Recently I've been reading The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale. It's a pretty powerful book (no pun intended). The idea that the way you look at a situation can affect the outcome of that situation is one that is appealing to me more and more these days.
For instance, this morning I came across a quote. It read, "The only thing that makes life possible is a permanent, intolerable uncertainty: not knowing what comes next." (Ursela K. LeGuin). Many times since we lost Rip I've said surely, if things can go so wrong so fast, surely they can go right just as fast. I think the "not knowing" is the scariest thing in the world, but maybe if I can get my mind in the right place, it doesn't have to be. I have almost literally been to hell, and I am very slowly making my way back...I have no way of knowing what comes next, but I have nothing left to lose in believing that something good could be around the corner.
I'm not naive, I'm just not ready to give up.
I guess I'm starting to realize I've got nothing to gain by sitting here thinking something terrible is going to happen all of the time.
I read a book by another woman who lost a child recently, and when she was pregnant with her second child she denied herself any pleasures of the pregnancy. She didn't take pictures, didn't find out the gender,didn't name the child, didn't buy baby clothes, etc. etc.
And I get that, when you've seen the worst you don't want to set yourself up for disappointment again.
But I really hope I'm not like that. I know I'm going to be afraid, maybe even terrified at times...but I would like to think I will be able to find some hope in the not knowing.
One of the main principles in The Power of Positive Thinking is believe and succeed. It can't hurt.