Saturday, April 28, 2012

Nothing Sweeter in the Whole Wide World

Than A Happy (and Healthy!) Girl!!!

Saturday, April 21, 2012

So Here We Are

Five days into Gracie's first real illness, I've learned that:

She takes after her mother in two ways-
1) Her eyes are the most pitiful things in the world when she is sick, they resemble weeping red hots
2) Lack of appetite my foot, girl likes her comfort food (even if it just comes right back up)

She does NOT take after her mother in that she is the world's best patient...hacking cough, weepy eyes, runny nose, and other less pleasant symptoms and she still has a perma-gummy grin...UNLESS...

Forget what pyschology says about object permanence, the only time the child is not smiling is when she spots a nasal syringe...she knows good and well where it is, who had it, and she holds a grudge.

I wish I could say that I've been as well behaved as my brave girl, but to be honest I've been a wreck.  I am just no good at this sick kid stuff.  Poor girl hasn't woken up once over the past 48 hours without my big head hovering over hers and Parke has been called in multiple times a night to listen to her breathe (I've set up camp by the crib). 

The doctors have all assured me that she is doing very well (multiple times...pretty sure I've earned myself red flag sticky note on the charts, some things never change).  And I believe them...most of the time. 

So here we are, Gracie is still sick but handling it beautifully.    Clearly, she gets a lot of her personality from her father.
Pull it together Mama, geeze

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Really Sucky Visit stands for Respitory Syncytial Virus, and it is apparently what Gracie has..and what it amounted to today was a really sucky visit to the doctor.

I realize it is really common virus, and tons of babies get it every year with little or no complications.  But, and there is always a but..

I had to sit in the office today and listen to the "ifs"...if Gracie started having trouble breathing...if she retracting her lungs...if she had to go to the hospital...if she had to be put on oxygen

And when you have lived all of those things, the ifs have a sneaky way of becoming whens in your mind.

Gracie IS NOT Rip.  I know that, I really and truly do.  But it is still so scary.

So a little prayer request for no more RSV...really sucky visits or otherwise. 

Crazy Girl

This morning has been One of Those Mornings.  Gracie has her first official daycare cold and yes, I know she is building her immune system and blah blah blah, but leaving her when she is sick is my least favorite thing about being a working mother.  Thankfully, my mother-in-law volunteered to watch her for the day, but being up all night suctioning and wiping and rocking left even more mentally drained than usual this morning.

So, by the time I got in the car and realized that what had formally been 75 and sunny was now 59 and raining, I just didn't care.  Yes, I was soaked and freezing, but oh well.  And then when I looked around for my umbrella and had a flashback of me, in a post-partum hormonal cleaning frenzy, chunking it out the back door, again I thought ah well, I won't melt.  But, when I looked in the back seat and my eyes were met with other eyes, piercing green eyes that were most certainly NOT supposed to be in the back of my car, I freaked.  Tired, wet, freezing...fine.  Hallucinating...we have a problem.

Thankfully, I didn't fall down the rabbit hole just yet.  The cat evidently decided hitching a ride to work sounded like a good idea.  Once I stopped screaming, screeched back home, and dropped her rear off,  I had to laugh.

You know how after you lose a loved one, people will always say, very sentimentally, "they are looking down on you from Heaven now".

Well, if that's true, I can only hope Rip gets a laugh or two out of his mother being a crazy girl...and maybe adds a little extra emphasis on the  guardian part of angel on his little sister's behalf.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012


You Talkin' to ME?!

Monday, April 16, 2012

Laugh it Up

I've done everything up to and including standing on my head to try to get Gracie to laugh.  Somewhere along the way a friend told me that her child laughed around 14 weeks, so for the past two weeks poor kid has had my face in hers almost constantly.

One baby we knew got a real kick out of the dog barking. Poor old Dock was having none of it when I tried to get him howling...finally after about five minutes of me yipping and yapping like an idiot, Gracie gave me a little half smile of pity, probably wondering if she should try to seek help.

Someone else sent me a video of a baby laughing his head off at his mama after she sneezed...after thirty fake sneezes I was so dizzy I could hardly see straight and Gracie was covered in spit.  Not even a smile on that one.

Everyone saw the baby who got tickled over his dad ripping up the rejection letter.  When I tried it the noise scared Gracie and I got a paper cut.

And then last night, it finally happened.  Parke walked in the door and she squealed.  And then chuckled.  And then full out froggy belly LAUGHED.  And then we laughed, which made her laugh even harder, and soon we all had tears coming down our faces from laughing.  It was the best sound I have ever heard in my life.

When all the hilarity finally calmed down, I asked Parke, "wait, what did you do?"

So, So Typical.

Oh well! I am still the proud mama of a laughing baby!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

And Then It Hit Me

And then it hit me, as it usually does right around a "birthday".  Today is April 11th, Rip would have been almost a year and a half today.

It hit me out of nowhere yesterday, that prickly feeling behind my eyes, that feeling of just plain old missing my baby boy.  So I stopped, closed my eyes, and told him.  Told him how much I missed him and how much I loved him.  Told him how much he would have loved his little badpot of a sister who kept me up all night because her doggone Sleep Sheep was broken.  Told him how proud he would be of his Daddy who is working so hard.  Told him about the fun Easter we had and how thankful I always am to be his mama on that day.

I don't know for sure if he hears me when I tell him these things, but when I opened my eyes and looked down at my sleeping baby, felt the warm breeze caressing my cheeks and ruffling her hit me...I'd be willing to bet he does.

Sunday, April 8, 2012

Happy Easter Y'all!

Notice that I am the only one who looks truly happy in these pictures. 

Saturday, April 7, 2012

Wake up and smell the Easter Bunny

Do you ever feel like God is talking right to you?  Not in the "blah blah blah" sense, but in the "something happens and you know it was meant just for you" sense?

That is what happened to me when I got home from work yesterday... basically God told me to get over myself.

After my "Inside Out Girl" post, I came home feeling pretty sorry for myself.  After I got Gracie to bed last night I noticed that my sister (who kept Gracie for us this week) left her devotional book at our house and I decided to read yesterday's lesson.  This is part of what it said:

"When you focus on what you don't have of situations that displease you, your mind becomes darkened.  You take for granted life, salvation, sunshine, flowers, and countless other gifts from Me.  You look for what is wrong and refuse to enjoy life until that is 'fixed'."

Guilty.  GuiltyGuiltyGuilty.

Yes, it is awful leaving Gracie every day, I hate every minute I am not with her...but there is a Gracie to leave.  Last Good Friday, I literally did not know if I would ever have a living baby.  Parke and I sat in a sanctuary and prayed for the problem we are having right now, and our prayers were answered.

So, shame on me for not believing our prayers will continue to be answered, for not believing there is a plan, and I am certain it does not involve any of us being miserable.  Shame on me for almost not recognizing how lucky I am this weekend.

Thank goodness I woke up and smelled the Easter Bunny just in bring on the Peeps!!

Friday, April 6, 2012

Inside Out Girl

I haven't written in a while because I've kind of been following the "if you don't have anything nice to say" way of thinking...

Going back to work has been hard.  I feel kind of like some cartoon I used to watch where a girl flipped over the swing set and all of her insides end up on her outside (embarrassingly, I think it was PeeWee Herman).  I feel like some part of me that is supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside and it just doesn't feel right.

Of course I am so glad Gracie is here, I am so glad I am not pregnant anymore...but for the longest time I have had her with me all of the time.  I knew her every wiggle and scrunch.  Even when she was born I knew just how to jiggle and shake to make her stop crying.  For the first three months I was the only one who could feed her, another thing my body couldn't keep up with when I went back to work.

Now I leave just when she is waking up and I get home when she is grumpy and tired.  I feel like I am missing so much.  And that's really, really hard.

It makes me feel weak, people do this every day.  Nobody said it was going to be easy, in fact everybody told me how hard it was going to be.  After all we have been through, I should be thanking my lucky stars every single day.  Everyone keeps telling me to buck up, it will all be fine...and I am sure they are right.

But somehow I went a little too high or a little too fast and flipped over that swing set.  My little inside is now in the big bad outside without me, and I don't care how right everyone is, it still makes me sad.