Tuesday, November 30, 2010

She's Come Undone

I swear EVERYBODY I run in to has a baby. Particularly if I happen to be in Target. Every single person in Target has a child, and most of them are acting like really crummy parents. They yell, or worse ignore, their kids and all I want to do is grab them by the collar and scream in their faces " DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE THIS KID??? ACT LIKE IT! NOW HAVE A NICE DAY AND ENJOY YOUR NACHOS AND CHERRY SLURPEE."

But I don't, instead I pray to God that I have taken enough Ativan to get me out of the store without having a major meltdown.

My latest thing is just this crippling fear that I won't be able to have any more children. That Rip was it and I did not even realize it. I feel like if someone had told me before Rip that I could not have kids, I am sure I would have put on quite a show of moaning and groaning. But I would not have really known what I was missing. Now I know. I know the moment that baby cries your life changes forever. I know that my husband is the best father in the world. I know the sheer terror and absolute love of being a mother. And now I don't think I can live without that.

If I am lucky enough to do this again, I won't take one minute of it for granted.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

On Bed

Grieving for my child goes against everything that I am. My natural state of being is that of a happy, optimistic, it will all be okay kind of girl. It is hard for me to be so sad and to cry all of the time when I want so badly to be happy but, for today at least, I have to experience grief.

I woke up crying today, occasionally I will just get huge waves of how much I have lost and it seems overwhelmingly sad. Parke had made plans to play golf but offered to stay home with me. I don't want to be "that girl", have never been "that girl", so I made him go.
I crawled back in bed, hid under the covers, and felt exactly like the poster child for one of those depression commercials. After a while I decided I did not particularly want to be "that girl" either.

I have been through a lot, I deserve a day to just be sad...so I decided to have a day on bed. In bed was too sad, too hopeless. The bed needed to be made, the dog walked, the downstairs tidied, and the Thanksgiving left-overs thrown out. All tasks complete, I am now on the bed with a good book, limitless movie options thanks to our new direct TV, and my dog.

I may cry fifty times today, but that is okay. I may actually enjoy some of my day on bed, and that is okay too. Being on bed, rather than in bed, gave me hope. And for me, that is what my day to day life is all about right now.

Saturday, November 27, 2010

What Did Not Help

Somebody gave me a book recently that is supposed to comfort mothers after the loss of a child. You read something from their experience and then you are encouraged to write your own feelings about whatever the subject of the day might be.
I have been dutifully writing each day, journaling my hurt, despair, lack of understanding etc. I have written to Rip about how he looked and how much we love him. As hard as it is to imagine, I can in some way see how I may need or want to look back at these memories years later.
So I was good with the book until today. Today the book asked me to write down what I had been looking forward to experiencing with my baby, and now never would. I am really not a fan of bad language, but I hurled every word I could think of at the stupid book before physically hurling it across the room.
After a minute I retrieved the book from where it landed under the bed and gave it a piece of my mind, told it exactly what I thought of such a ridiculous question. I felt much better.
I know that anger is a stage of grief, a necessary emotion that helps you to heal. So today, I am angry...I am angry with myself, the doctors, God, and anyone else who dares to cross my path. And I am really angry at that stupid book.

Friday, November 26, 2010

What Helped

Our friend, Phill, wrote this song after Rip died. He based it on the story of Job from the Bible, I have been amazed at how it pretty much sums up how I have been feeling. I've listened to it a lot, sometimes it makes me cry and sometime it gives me comfort.



I used this blog as a way to vent through my pregnancy. We lost our little boy, my perfect Rip, eight days ago. There is nothing I can say to express how heartbreaking, devastating that has been. There are no words to adequately say how much he was and is loved, how he taught Parke and me more about life in seven days that we ever thought was possible. All I can say about Rip is that from the minute he was born he was a miracle.
Today is my 30th birthday, a day I was dreading so much. Yesterday (Thanksgiving), was much harder than I thought it would be...the holidays have always been such a fun and exciting time for me, the loss of Rip was almost too much to bear during a time I am used to being so happy.
This morning I woke up, made Parke coffee (something I have started doing since we lost the baby), got back in bed and cried. Parke comforted me, told me it was okay to cry. My mom called to plan our day of Black Friday shopping, everyone just wants to make it better. I buried my head down deeper in the covers and decided maybe I could just skip my 30th birthday all together.
Then the dog threw up. In the bed.
Parke ran to get paper towels, tripped and fell down the steps.
So there I was, no option but to get up and deal with my sick dog, groaning husband, and soiled bed spread. And I think that is what life, and yes, God, gives us. We can be in the worst situation imaginable and life makes us get up and clean up dog puke.
I am still lonely, confused, and so so sad. I am also, at times, hopeful and thankful. I am going to try to keep up this blog during my 30th year. I want to see how much my life changes by the time I turn 31. I hope to have love, laughter, and maybe even a baby to fill my year. For now, the bad outweighs the good, but there is some good. By this time next year I pray, pray, pray the good will outweigh the bad.