If Its Meant To Be

I am doing a daily advent book this season, and the directive this morning was to share something that God is doing in your life right now.

The thing is, I know what God is doing in my life right now, I'm just not sure I like it.

God is asking me to trust Him.

You see, for a very long time now (well, since I had Sam), I've wanted another baby. My husband does not.

This is not me throwing Parke under the bus- he has very, very good reasons for not wanting another child. Ours has, obviously, not been an easy path to parenthood. Even after Rip, my pregnancies ranged from frightening to downright terrifying at times. Not to mention- kids are expensive (have you noticed??)

And to be honest, in my heart of hearts, I'm not even sure we should have another baby. We have two healthy children. I am healthy. We have such a good life. Why would I even think of rocking this boat?

And yet. Why won't the desire go away?

All of my life, I've wanted three children. And in the most heartbreaking way, I have them. What do you do when a prayer like this is answered...and it isn't?

You trust God. And it is so very hard.

Because His answer is going to be- Yes, Not Yet....or No. And there is a very real possibility that it is going to be "No".

And so, my prayer in this advent season is to trust God with my whole heart, and to lean not on my own understanding. I was praying about this the other day (wanting another baby, what if I do, what if I don't, and on and on) and very clearly I heard in my head "Seek first the kingdom of God".

I don't know what that means, other than to keep praying. So that's what I am trying to do.

There is a saying I love, and will likely butcher: "If its meant to be yours, it will not pass you by"

Key word is "if". The achiever in me hates "ifs". If I push long and hard enough, I can MAKE that if go away...but is that right? Is it right for my family? Is it God's will for my life? How will I know?

Advent is a season of hope, of waiting. I don't know what the answer to my question will be. I'm almost 40 (gulp) so there’s every chance it’s a no. Either way what I am being asked to do is to trust.

Its not easy...but if its meant to be.

In the meantime, I think I'll just buy myself a puppy.