After Rip passed away, one of my first thoughts was how much I wanted to have children. Sometime in those first grief-stricken weeks I circled a date on the calendar, April 21, 2011. It was the 111th day of the year and, as you know, the number 11 is special to me because it reminds me of Rip. I decided that was the day I would be pregnant again... and yes, I may have been slightly drugged at the time.
April 21st rolled around and I took a pregnancy test...it was negative. An emotional day got even worse when I heard a song on the radio that reminded me of Rip. It's kind of a cheesy Michael Franti song, but there is a line in it..."here i am, waiting for this storm to pass my by and that's the sound of sunshine coming down" that I hung on to during Rip's pregnancy. Now it just seemed like another kick while I was down.
But then, the whole "sound of sunshine coming down" part started to stick in my head. I came home, looked at Parke, and said "I am going to get another pregnancy test" (ever the practical one, he said, "great, grab me a Snickers").
This time a positive line started to show...and then disappeared. I was devastated.
I felt like I literally could not take one more minute of this, it was the lowest I have felt since we lost Rip. Not knowing what else to do, I got on my knees and prayed. I kid you not when I say a rainbow appeared shortly after I stood up.
The next day I received another positive test...this one stuck. I am now almost 11 weeks pregnant. To say that I am happy about it would be an understatement.
And yet...I am so scared.
Even though I truly believe this baby is a miracle, a God-given blessing, I am afraid.
So I very selfishly ask for your prayers. Being Rip's mother has taught me so many things, not the least of which is the power of having others believe for you when you are not strong enough to do it yourself.
I am trying to enjoy every day, to be grateful every day for this little bit of "sunshine" who will be so loved by her (just guessing here...but "her" feels right) family and, I believe, has a very special angel guiding her way.
I am so thankful for my family, my friends and, most especially, my children.