I got my haircut today. The appointment was with a stylist I'd never met before, and for the first ten minutes or so we did the usual small talk, where are you from, love your shoes etc etc.
The whole time I was thinking about Rip, and about how strange it felt to be discussing such trivial things while having these deep, emotional thoughts. As she was shampooing and chatting, I was looking at the brightly lit ceiling and thinking about what I would say if she asked about kids.
And then she did.
Ever the suave one, I turned bright red and fumbled around and said no...but then I just couldn't. So I told her about Rip and it felt like a dam breaking loose. She said how sorry she was and I said thank you and the conversation moved easily from there. I didn't feel strange anymore, it was like now that my big "secret" was out in the open, I could be myself again.
I know time may pass and that immediate need won't be there, and there will be people I won't feel right sharing with...but then there are the times when you need to let it all hang out. I know there will be moments when I won't feel right talking about him, but I needed Rip in the room with me today, it was so much easier once he got there.