Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Are you okay?

Today, while I was sitting at Gracie's ballet class, I got an email from BabyCenter.com. It was alerting me that someone had answered my question.

My question, apparently, was from 2010, where I had written the following:

"I am pregnant with my first baby and have been diagnosed with a conditioned called vasa previa. I am going to have to deliver via c-section at 35 weeks- does anyone have experience with this?"

What I received today was not, in fact, an answer to that question...but a question from another mother who herself was facing the same situation. It was the only response I've received in almost five years. It read, "I too am facing vasa previa and am set to deliver at 34 weeks and 1 day. I found your post and wanted to know- are you and your baby okay?"

How to answer this question?

I mean there is the obvious answer, of course. But there is so much more to it than that.

How do I tell her that I cried today, nearly five years later, because I lost that baby. I also nearly cried today because I couldn't find my living child's purple shorts and we were late for school.

How do I explain that I am living the most normal of abnormal lives?

Do I tell her that my daughter, who was born almost exactly a year after my son was lost, told me today-apropos of nothing-that she really, really (really) loves me.

Do I tell her another mom from ballet class told me how smart my other son was and how proud that made me? Do I then tell her how she asked me if we would have more kids and I struggled for five minutes as to whether to tell her about the baby who I never got to watch grow up?

Do I tell her how, every day, I feel like the luckiest unlucky person who ever lived?

I'm not going to answer her question. I can't. There really aren't words.

Am I okay? No. And yes.

Is my baby okay? No. And yes.

Something tells me that might be more than she really wanted to know.