Monday, April 11, 2016

Ophelia

Grief.
One minute you are driving down the road on a beautiful sunny morning turning up Ophelia on the radio, and the next thing you know you are crying huge, gut-wrenching sobs and pounding on your steering wheel.
You are having flashbacks and in between the sobs you are mouthing the words “I want my baby back” over and over again. You are speaking directly to God.
And even while you are doing these things you know that ten minutes from now you will walk into your office and smile at everyone, ask about their weekends and sit down at your desk.
This is all at once comforting and awful, the control you have over your grief.
It has been months, maybe even a year since it has bubbled over like this.
Again, comforting and awful.
Over five years later, that’s grief.

Monday, April 4, 2016

Time Marches On

 My baby boy is growing up. I saw a quote the other day that said motherhood is being torn between wanting to keep your babies little and being excited to see who they will become. And that is so true.

Sometimes, when Sam falls asleep on top of me and stirs around, I am imagine what it was like when he was still in my stomach…I know, creepy weirdo stalker mom. But I really did love it when he was in there. And I really loved it when he was a tiny baby. All the extremes I felt with Gracie (love and fear, mainly) finally settled down with Sam and I’ve been able to relax when I hadn’t before.

So, its bittersweet saying goodbye to those baby stages.

But, also, hilarious.

This toddler boy of mine is a funny dude. 

His favorite word, “NO”, is pronounced “NAW”

NAW MAMA, NAW DADA, NAW DAH (Dog), NAW GECE (Gracie), and after a recent premature viewing of Jim Carey’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas, NAW NINCH!!!!

He has a sweet little voice though, and is always looking for family members not in the same room with him. It makes my heart happy to hear his fat little feet padding down the hallway calling “Whea Mama?” Whea Mama?”

I recently took both kids to see the Weeki Wachee Mermaids at our local aquarium. I took Gracie two years ago and she is still talking about it, so I knew she would be on board but I didn’t expect Sam’s reaction. He was OBSESSED. This has been over a week now and we are still constantly badgered with “Whea muh-may?” And “Awwwww” when told said muh-mays have gone back from whence they came.

I love watching Sam and Gracie together. Don’t get me wrong, this relationship has its ups and downs- like major peaks and valleys- and much to my surprise, Gracie is by far the sweeter sibling. She is constantly kissing Sam and telling him he is “cutie boy”. There is hitting, pinching, and biting and Sam is the main culprit.  I did, however, hear yells last night and Gracie came running in to tell me she had accidentally pushed Sam down. Pause. And accidentally kicked him afterwards.

Overall though, they are at an age now where they play together and watching Sam copy Gracie’s every move has been one of the greatest pleasures of watching him grow. Do I wish she hadn’t taught him to spit out his drink at the water fountain? Yes. Other than that, pleasure.

I told someone the other day that I could eat Sam with a spoon, which is probably a braggy thing to say about your own child but I worked hard for this kid and its true. I find him to be the most adorable, snuggliest baby in the world. Even when he throws a tantrum (on the reg these days) and lashes out at anyone with arm’s reach, I am completely melted by his little “towwy” and smacking wet kiss that is very quick to follow. His smiley little eyes and solid, sweet smelling body are some of the greatest joys of my life. So yeah, its hard to watch this baby grow. Yes, I may cram my full-grown toddler into fetal position and give myself over to delusional fantasies every now and again. But overall, I am just very thankful for every day with my Sammy boy.