Thursday, March 10, 2011

What If Syndrome

Sometimes I feel enormously guilty.  I can't help it, I think it just comes with the territory.  I look at Parke when he is having a really bad day, or my mom, or my seventeen year-old sister, and I can't help but think that I caused all of this.  If I had just done something differently none of these people would be so sad right now. 

Don't even get me started on Rip...what if I had gone to a different hospital, asked more questions...the list goes on and on...

When I am thinking rationally, I know that life can't be re-lived and how in the world could I ever have known the most joyful thing in the world...wanting a baby...could have led to so much sadness.  But to be honest, rational thinking is not one of my strong points these days.

And then there is the "what if" of doing it all over again.  As a mom who lost her first baby, I just don't know that I can, as in "do I have the ability", have a live child.  There is a part of me that knows down to my very core that some part of this sadness will not go away (and some part of this sadness will never go away) until there is a living, breathing baby here with us.

But then the "what if" creeps in and I start to wonder if that is even possible...what if I try to fix us and I only end up making it worse again.  I don't know that there is going to be answer to that question until there is one.

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