Saturday, March 26, 2011

It's Complicated

Praying for a baby after our loss is so complicated...
The first thought that always pops into my mind is to pray for Rip to come back...I haven't completely lost my mind yet, so I know this is impossible and illogical, but if I am honest that is what comes to mind first.
Then I feel like I need to pray for God to tell Rip how much we love him, how my praying for another baby has nothing to do with how much I miss him, or how much I think about him...the guilt thing again, seemingly ever present.
When I move on to praying for a pregnancy, I pray for an easy one...I know that it won't be, at least mentally, but the thought of going through another physically dangerous pregnancy is enough to leave me in a ball on the floor.
So I pray for a healthy baby, but then I remember that technically Rip was a healthy baby, so I pray for a healthy baby who lives...which makes me feel guilty again.
And when I finally finish with all of that, I wonder if I should have been praying on my knees.
It's not that I don't think that God doesn't know what I want, or that if I get one word wrong I am going to ruin everything...but for some reason, praying for this very important thing the "right" way seems crucial me.  I get frustrated when I can't put something so clear in my heart into words.
Anyway, I think by the time I finish my prayer, God is probably as exhausted as I am.

1 comment:

  1. While Rip cannot come back I believe you will see him in his sister or brother...you will see his spirit, his strength, his understanding... HIS LOVE... My prayers are with you....be gentle with yourself...as gentle as you can be...

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