Wednesday, March 2, 2011

That's the Girl Who...

Life after loss is full of contradictions.
One minute I am full of hope, the next I am terrified.
I'm afraid of being "the girl who" in "that's the girl whose baby died", and yet one of my biggest fears is the day someone forgets my sweet baby died.
I spend half my day dreaming of the family I want to have and the other half thinking of the family I will never have.
I want control of everything but am reminded daily that I have control of nothing.
Pick yourself up and get knocked back down.
One step forward, two steps back.
Crying, laughing, screaming...somehow I get up and put one foot in front of the other.
It's enough to make a crazy person insane.

1 comment:

  1. I feel that just when I feel like I can make it thru the day.. I start to stumble again and go backwards. Recently I am able to actually really say that I am doing ok after the miscarriage. But others would think I am going backwards..I have the need to want to control everything so recently I started preparing our 2nd guest room for the preparation of a child. When I started I thought I was being responsible, planning ahead and that plenty of people do this. But than at times I think- You are completely crazy because one you are not pregnant and two you could lose another child. I told my mother these thoughts.. she assured me God has a plan (sure you heard that) and that he knows my child. She is right- whether I have the child myself or naturally I know that eventually I will have that family and I shouldn't sit here and day dream about it and than let my fears crush them.

    So on your bad days because we all have them remember that God has a plan and he knows your story and he will be there to take the steps forward or back.

    Lastly, my sister in law lost her son two Novembers ago. He was stillborn (fullterm).Until that happened to her and I had my miscarriage I never knew how many other woman are or have went thru it also. God knew her plan though and she has a beautiful baby girl now. So I say this to convince you but also myself.. he knows our plans.