Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Sappy

Sappy just about sums me up these days.  It is a combination of sad and happy that seems pretty inevitable.

These days there is just a very pure sadness when it comes to losing Rip.  I think enough time has gone by so that I am finally strong enough to feel this sadness.  I lost what was most precious to me in the entire world, something that is absolutely irreplaceable.  There are mornings when I wake up crying for Rip, and there is definitely a release in that.  I need to miss him.  There are also so many bittersweet moments...knowing that we will be taking down his nursery... knowing that while my feelings for Rip will never change, I will inevitably have less time to concentrate on just him when the new baby comes.  Even moments like being at the beach with my family, or going to a friend's baby shower leave me a little weepy.  There is just no easy way around missing him, and that is sad.

But I am also so happy.  I love this little girl more than I thought possible.  She is a little spit-fire, always moving...legs, arms, popping up all over my belly.  I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, I enjoy lying there and feeling her wake-up so much.  I am like some kind of addict...okay, I will get up after one more kick, okay one more, one more...it's a wonder I've made it to work at all.  All of this activity is such a blessing, it helps my mind and my heart knowing she is in there growing away.  I talk to her all of the time, "we" go shopping and I swear she hops around a little more every time I find yet another adorable dress, hat, bow.  I am all too aware that those bittersweet moments...time at the beach, baby showers...would be nothing but bitter without this little bundle of joy. There are smiles in our voices that I was so worried would never be there again.  She is truly an amazing Grace.

So a lot of crying, and a lot of laughing.  There are worse things than being sappy.

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