Monday, August 29, 2011

Raw End of the Deal

The bargaining stage is one that maybe I don't understand very well.  I never did the stereotypical "I promise I'll do XYZ, if Rip can come back".

But as I said, I have definitely had moments where I wondered what I could have done differently.  Thankfully, even knowing what I know now, I have had a lot of peace that there is nothing else I would or could possibly have known then that would have changed the outcome.

I think one form of bargaining I did right after we lost Rip, and still do to some extent, is turn to books for answers.  In the first few weeks and months I read all sorts of books about pregnancy loss, stories from doctors, psychiatrists, other parents...and I think I was really just looking from some answers about why this happened to us.  As if something in one of those books could give me the reason I lost my son, why Anne lost Rip.  And maybe, on a subconscious level, if I could just figure out the why, there would be some way for me to fix it.

I do find myself doing a lot of bargaining these days on Gracie's behalf.  I have absolutely done the stereotypical if...then thing with this pregnancy.  I think I have promised everything that isn't nailed down for the healthiness of this child.

And I think she will be healthy, but I don't think it is because of any deal I make...nor do I think we lost Rip because I failed to make the right deal last time.  There is nothing I would not have given to get Rip back.  Maybe part of the healing during this stage of grief is knowing that there are some deals you just can't win.

No comments:

Post a Comment