Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Everyone deserves a break now and then

The denial or shock stage I felt right after Rip died was absolutely necessary in getting me through each day, and the kind of denial I go through now serves an equally important purpose.

For me, those first few days of denial kept me sane...it was the bubble wrap stage, where I couldn't feel anything and somewhere deep down I knew that was saving me.

Over the past months there have been moments of real denial.  Moments where I think about what could have gone differently, where a different decision could have been made, and maybe this whole thing would have never happened.  I have those fleeting moments where I think maybe I can still fix this, there has to be some way to make the outcome different.

But I know I can't.

So for the most part, denial for me now is a choice.  Not that I for one minute deny Rip.

When I was younger, and I got into a situation that scared me or made me uncomfortable, I would pretend I was in a play.  That is kind of what denial is like for me these days...it's pretending I am just a normal pregnant girl, shopping for normal pregnant girl things.  It is allowing people to exclaim over my bump and just taking a moment to be excited with them. It is allowing myself to be the me that other people, who know nothing about my situation, see for a few minutes. It's not so much running away from what has happened, it is taking a break from the bad parts.

In the beginning, I had no control over my emotions.  Now, being able to take five or ten minutes to check out from anything painful is one of the biggest ways I have been able to heal.  Denial is always talked about as such a negative thing, but I feel like everyone deserves a break now and then.

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