Most of the time, I try to stay really positive...and most of the time I do feel pretty positive. But the whole point of me writing this blog is so that I can look back and see how far I have come. I feel like I need to be able to look back and see some of the bad things in order to appreciate the good.
Right now I need to be sad, even mad, about some things. It makes me sad that I have to think about what to say when people ask if I have children. It makes me sad that I can be standing in the middle of Urban Outfitters and suddenly feel like I have been kicked in the gut because I see a pregnant woman. It makes me sad that I have to worry about how to tell my future children about their brother. It makes me sad when I think about having another baby, something I know I would not be thinking about, at least not yet, if Rip was here. It makes me sad to see the people I love hurting.
This song, I think it may be from Sesame Street, has been popping in my head every so often, "one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn't belong". That is how I feel when I am out in the world sometimes, I am not sure exactly where I belong...I'm not like the other mothers out there, but I am a mother. Being a mother to a baby in heaven is really hard work.
I think in time (good old time again) I will find my place, but right now all of this is still very new and raw. It sounds strange, but I think taking time to feel the sadness will make me more ready to accept the good when it comes.