There have been times over these past few months that I have told God that I hate him (and yes, I did duck out of the way in case lightening struck after I said it). There have been times I have screamed at God until my throat was raw. There have been times that I have told God that I give up, that either he is not who he says he is, or he isn't listening.
A friend once told me that in order to have a real relationship, to really love someone, you have to go through every season with them. She said that is the only way that you can really know them. Until now, until I lost Rip, I've never really had a reason to be mad at God. Every season of my life has been a nearly perfect spring. It comes as no surprise to me that this has been the coldest winter that I can remember having.
I wish that I could say that God has answered me every time that I have cried out but, honestly, sometimes I have not heard a thing. But I still believe he is there. Maybe that is his answer to me. That despite my anger and my doubt, my faith is still there. My hope is that faith will keep me hanging on and this cold winter will melt away into another nearly perfect spring.