Before I start with this story, I have to give it a disclaimer. I am writing this blog for myself, so that I can (she says hopefully) look back at this time and see how far I have come next year. Along the way, I've heard from and about various people who have had a loss and who read this blog. I know I've tried to find everything ever written by someone who has lost a child in some attempt to find my way. That said, I write a lot about the blessings I've found even through a terrible time... but most of this is really hard. Most of the time the miracles are so miraculous because the rest of life while grieving is sad and EXHAUSTING. I say that because this is not easy, and it is not supposed to be easy...I need to be honest about that.
This week has been especially hard for some reason, some weeks just are. This morning I woke up crying, the same thoughts going through my head, the same prayers being said...my two emotions are sadness over Rip and absolute terror that I will not have any more children. I cried silently in the shower, praying to God for some sign, ANY sign that He was listening (I will say this, even in my worst moments I often think about how dramatic grief is...a lot of falling to my knees and crying out to God...sometimes I picture him up in heaven rolling his eyes, like oh geez, here SHE comes again).
Here's where the good part comes in. For whatever reason I decided to turn on the computer, something I never do in the mornings. After that I decided to check my facebook, another odd thing to do when you are crying so hard you can hardly see straight. There I found that my mom had sent me a picture of a rainbow and underneath it she wrote "You will be here soon!".
Now, I know she sent me that picture because it was taken on an island that Parke and I will be visiting this month. I know she sent me that picture to remind me of good times to come. What she did not know is that a baby that comes after the loss of a pregnancy or newborn is called a "rainbow baby", because that baby is the rainbow after the storm. I prayed to God to give me a sign that I would have more children, opened my computer and found a picture of a rainbow saying "you will be here soon."
So I make a choice. I can choose to be cynical and believe that God does not have his hands in things like computers and facebook and pictures. Or I can choose to look for the rainbow.