Sunday, January 9, 2011

I'm Fine

"I'm fine".  The first thing someone asks you when they see you, "How are you?" To which you are supposed to respond "I'm fine". 

I've always been a person who likes to make sure that everyone around me feels comfortable.  I don't want to upset anyone, ruffle any feathers.  So when someone asks me how I am these days, I say "I'm fine".

And I am fine. I am fine for someone who feels like their whole world fell apart two months ago.  I am fine for someone who is constantly thinking about their loss.  I am fine for someone who is repeatedly reliving memories that, while necessary, are not always pleasant.  I am fine for someone who has to continually ask hard questions about their faith, and find a way to get through the doubt and the fear to somehow find my way back to hope and trust.

But I know that is not what you want to hear.  The time has come, two months later, when everyone else has moved on.  The time has come where I am expected to carry on conversations that have nothing to do with loss or fear or doubt.

So I do.  And I am fine.  But it is a different kind of fine than I was two months ago.

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