Monday, May 23, 2011

Social Butterfly to Roly Poly (and back again?)

My whole life I have kind of been groomed to be a social butterfly...cotillion, debutante, name it, I've done it.  I've always been on the quiet side, but before we lost Rip, I rarely found myself in a situation that I could not talk my way through.

It's different now.

As time goes on and I find myself at more and more social events, I feel more like a roly poly than a butterfly.

Sometimes it's because I see someone I saw when I was pregnant, don't know if they have heard about Rip, and feel like I have to hide to save us both from an uncomfortable (and sometimes upsetting) conversation.

Other times it's meeting someone for the first time and steeling myself for the "do you have kids" conversation...even if it never comes I spend the whole time wracking my brain deciding what I will say if it does.

And even when it is the people I know best, I can be in the middle of a conversation and be hit by a memory I'm not prepared to deal with.

I feel like I am curling up in a little ball each time, using some invisible protective shell to keep out anything that may inflict pain.

I guess the best way of putting it is that I feel vulnerable.

I can't use the whole metamorphosis metaphor here, I don't know many roly polys who turn into butterflies...but I guess I'm hoping to be the exception.

1 comment:

  1. I also went through this. I would get sick to my stomach and have panic attacks at times. It has gotten better now.
    I find that I am more protecting Lucas and Caleb's memories when I don't share much with random people, or people who may or may not know. Our babies are so precious, and the memories so few.
    You'll go back to butterfly mode some day. And you probably won't even realize it.

    Thinking of you and sending some love your way.