For the first 29 years of my life, I took happiness for granted. In fact, when nothing was going wrong, I thought up things to worry about.
Then we lost Rip. It was worse than the worst of my worries. Something had happened to me that was almost literally unimaginable.
But there is a certain "safeness" in the worst happening. In those first few months, I was allowed just to float through life in my misery, in the knowledge that this is as bad as it gets. Nothing could touch me, because nothing would ever hurt as bad as losing my child.
And that is still true, I can't imagine anything happening that would ever hurt as badly as Rip's death did, and does.
But as time passes, you start to feel again. You start to notice that things are happening around you...and some of those things are good.
And that has been one of the scariest parts for me...I think it will be a very long time before I can trust that something good happening doesn't mean something bad is just around the corner. To be able to trust that something beyond my wildest worries is waiting for me just up ahead.
I would never want to live in a world where misery was my only company...but it's going to take a while for me to call a truce with happiness.