Sunday, February 27, 2011

Explaining the Unexplainable

I know that I don't owe an explanation to anyone, and I think most people don't question why I would want to have another baby after we lost Rip.  But sometimes I question myself, how even after all that we have been through my biggest prayer is to have more children.

When I was probably around four years old, my mom found me just lying on the bed, doing nothing.  When she asked what I was up to, I replied " Oh, just layin' around, waitin' on a baby to pop out."

I guess that is what this time of my life feels like now.  I've always wanted to be a mom, for as long as I can remember.  When I got pregnant with Rip, had Rip, then lost Rip...well it just made that desire even stronger.  I know now what it actually feels like to be someones mama...but I have nowhere to put all of those feelings.

I've said it before and I am sure that I will say it again, it is so hard to be a mama to someone who is not physically on this earth.  I cannot write the words here that would describe the way I feel about Rip.  But no matter what I do, I can't hold him, or put him in a stroller, or feed him breakfast...those are the things that having him left my arms wanting to do that I just can't change.

I also honestly believe that Rip is safe.  I believe that Rip is being cared for in a way that I cannot even fathom.  I even believe that sometimes when the missing him gets to be too much that his little presence makes itself known, just letting me know he is okay.  That gives me peace in my heart...but not in my arms.

I know many people worry that after you lose a child you want another baby to replace that child...but nobody will ever replace Rip.  The only thing our next child will be getting is a few extra doses of love and probably a lot of spoiled.

I guess the thing that I have had a hard time putting into words, even understanding myself, is I want more children because of Rip, not instead of Rip.

I've been waiting to be a Mama since I was four years old, I became one when I was twenty-nine, I had a little boy who told me more about life and love in seven days than I ever could have hoped to know, now I hope that I am lucky enough to pass on what I've learned.


  1. Very well written. I think only a mom who has lost a baby can understand the intensed desire to have another baby. I used to worry that others would see me as trying to replace the twins (the comment, "You can always have another one" doesn't help that impression.), but now I realize that I can't change how they feel.
    It's really kind of crazy that how after losing a baby we want almost immediately to have more. But we do, and we know our angel babies will always be with us and their siblings.
    Hope today is a gentle one for you and your husband.

  2. I totally understand how you feel. Being a mother but not having your baby to care is impossible. Even though I still have my son, I still feel the need for another baby. Our situations are different but I think mothering is an instinct and when your time is cut short, you feel empty. Of course another baby will replace the one we want, I think it's hard for others to understand that. They should be glad for their ignorance- it means they haven't felt our pain.

  3. I have been read your blog for a while since I lost my baby girl on Jan/2/2011. She is also my first one via C/S, and you know how I hate the required waiting period to ttc. My dream is to have a lot of children although I am already in my 30s. I would like to thank you for sharing your thoughts that I can always relate to.

    want to share a quota that inspires me today:True faith is staying the course, even when all seems lost. Stay the course!