I guess it is safe to say that I have reached the dreaded "depression" phase of this grief thing. I knew it was coming, everyone warned me it was coming...I've been waiting for it, dreading it like the plague for the past 14 weeks, so I don't know why it has taken me by surprise.
According to "the experts", grief looks like this...
That is basically what it feels like too..I'm okay! No, I'm not! I'm okay! No, I'm not!
Symptoms of the depression phase include crying, sleeping a lot and then not sleeping at all, lack of appetite, lack of concentration, irritability, and bad hygiene (okay, I do draw the line there, my mom taught me that nobody ever feels better by looking bad, and I believe her).
Basically, none of this is anything I haven't experienced at least once in the past few months, but I think maybe the depression phase is just where is all catches up to you, your body finally just says give me a break!
There is a song called "Where Does the Good Go?", and part of it has been running through my head during this past week...
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go
That is kind of what this part of grief feels like to me...where did all of that good go? What do I do with all of the stuff that comes with this loss...how do I accept a broken heart and what parts of it am I supposed to hold on to forever?
The good news is, according to all of those so-called experts, things get better after this...and I don't doubt they will. I think that's another part of what makes the depression phase so hard...you know you are on your way to letting a part of your grief go and that can be whole lot scarier than just crying and sleeping too much.
So I am going to try to just take this phase as it comes (easier said than done, I'll admit) and give my body the break (breaks) it needs to heal. Find out where the good goes.