I haven't written in a while because I've kind of been following the "if you don't have anything nice to say" way of thinking...
Going back to work has been hard. I feel kind of like some cartoon I used to watch where a girl flipped over the swing set and all of her insides end up on her outside (embarrassingly, I think it was PeeWee Herman). I feel like some part of me that is supposed to be on the inside is now on the outside and it just doesn't feel right.
Of course I am so glad Gracie is here, I am so glad I am not pregnant anymore...but for the longest time I have had her with me all of the time. I knew her every wiggle and scrunch. Even when she was born I knew just how to jiggle and shake to make her stop crying. For the first three months I was the only one who could feed her, another thing my body couldn't keep up with when I went back to work.
Now I leave just when she is waking up and I get home when she is grumpy and tired. I feel like I am missing so much. And that's really, really hard.
It makes me feel weak, people do this every day. Nobody said it was going to be easy, in fact everybody told me how hard it was going to be. After all we have been through, I should be thanking my lucky stars every single day. Everyone keeps telling me to buck up, it will all be fine...and I am sure they are right.
But somehow I went a little too high or a little too fast and flipped over that swing set. My little inside is now in the big bad outside without me, and I don't care how right everyone is, it still makes me sad.