I have to admit, lately I have succumbed to what my dad always calls "stinkin thinkin". To be honest, in the last few weeks I kind of lost my way, my faith and the ability to believe.
After Rip died, my faith is a big part of what saved me. I turned to the Bible and to prayer in ways that I never thought to do before. I found comfort where I thought there was none to be had. Believing that I would see my son again saved me.
I've realized that I haven't been carrying that same faith with me in the last part of this pregnancy. I think a lot of it has to do with protecting my heart. Subconsciously I guess I've been feeling that if I didn't trust God then I couldn't be hurt again, which of course if far from the truth.
This morning I woke up and knew that I had to make a choice, either I believe or I don't. I chose to believe. To believe that the same God who carried me through the weeks after Rip's death, the same God who answered my prayers for this pregnancy, the same God I know I've felt my whole life has not changed. I am not doing Parke, Gracie, Rip or myself a favor by turning my back on Him.
There is a saying that worry is just a prayer for something to go wrong, and I've been doing too much of that lately. I've lost sight of the goal, that despite all of the things that could go wrong the light at the end of this tunnel is a healthy baby. That's where my head needs to be right now.
There were two quotes I read this morning that affirmed what I was feeling. The first was the serenity prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I can't change what happened with Rip, as much as I wish I could. I can have the courage to have faith in Gracie, as hard as it may be. And for me, I know I don't have the strength to do either alone.
The second quote was "It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty- Goethe"
I know it was our choice to name this baby Grace, but it wasn't a name I even thought of using until I got pregnant with her. I feel like this name was meant to be, to give me comfort and make me feel as if God's grace and the baby Grace were meant just for me in quotes like this one.
I know I may have to make the choice to believe ten times a day, to redirect my thought from dark places fifty more...but today I choose to have faith.