It's been a while since I have written on this blog, mainly because of the wild woman who turned one month old today...that is SO hard for me to believe.
I've gone back and forth a lot these last few weeks about what to do with the blog.
This has been such a healing thing for me to do after the loss of Rip, writing about the past year has been better than any therapy I've had...it has been a place I felt like I could be honest about what I was feeling, a place where I could put my best and my worst days for safe keeping.
Even though I wrote about my pregnancy with Gracie here, this blog was mainly about Rip.
I feel his presence less now...I know feeling his presence at all sounds like wishful thinking to some, and that's fine, but I also know that my little boy has been with me this year. The last time I really felt him was the morning of Gracie's birth. Over the course of my pregnancy, I was told that Gracie may have any number of things, including but not limited to Down Syndrome, Trisomy 18, dilated kidneys, and a head that was unusually large. To put it mildly, I was a wreck. But I went into that operating room completely calm...I realized that Gracie was going to be born exactly 1 year, 1 month, and 11 days after Rip. My little Eleven Eleven boy gave me peace that morning. It's not that I think he is truly gone from me now, and he is never ever going to be anything less to me than he was the day he was born...it's more that I can almost feel him telling me "It's okay now, Mama. You are okay, Gracie is okay, and I am okay".
And then there is my second little miracle, our Gracie...whose head is of perfectly normal size, thankyouverymuch. She is what my family lovingly refers to as "perky" (those not in my family may say "colicky"). She is our little spitfire. She is stubborn, she lets you know what she wants, she is strong as an ox...all qualities that I hope she never loses as she grows into a woman...also all qualities that leave Parke and me wondering how something so tiny can keep us running 24/7. We are flat worn out, covered in spit up and/or poop...and so in love.
So my dilemma has been whether or not to keep writing this blog now that Gracie has arrived. On one hand, it will be different. I know that while Rip is always on my mind and in my heart, I probably won't be writing about him as much. I worry that continuing to write here and not mentioning Rip will take away from what I did write about him, make him seem less important. On the other hand, this has been such an outlet for me. If Gracie's first month is an indication, she will give me PLENTY to write about (if she will let me put her down for five minutes...someone (aka me) may have let her get just the teensiest bit spoiled).
For now, I think I will keep writing as the spirit (or the baby) moves me. I don't know what this first year with Gracie and this second year without Rip will bring, I don't know for sure if writing about "normal" things is the right thing to do...heck, I don't even know if I will have a chance to get dressed tomorrow. But I get the same feeling that I did the morning Gracie was born, no matter what happens "it's okay".