Friday, January 25, 2013

The Trick Of It

I've been having a hard time writing lately, at least on this blog.

In trying to figure out why, I think in part it is because that where I am right now is hard to put in to words.  After Rip died, I wrote about loss and sadness and the desire to have another baby.  When I got pregnant again, I wrote about how scared and excited I was and how much I still missed my boy.  And then when Gracie finally arrived, there was so much joy and relief...with a different level of missing Rip.

Now...well, what do I write about now?

I still think about Rip every single day.  I miss him, a lot.  I think about what he would be doing, or look like now.  I think probably a lot like a boy version of Gracie (ie Mama-visioned cutest baby ever).  Yesterday was an eleven eleven day...I saw it everywhere, all of the time.  I still feel him, I still talk to him.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief when Gracie turned one.  Before I was even pregnant with her, my doctor told me I would probably be afraid for the first year of my next child's life and she was right.  Somehow, deep down it was like I couldn't quite believe she was mine until we hit that one year mark.  Don't get me wrong, I still worry way more than I think most "normal" moms do...but it is getting much, much better.

I also think a lot about how lucky I am.  I have friends who have lost babies and are still waiting to hold a child in their arms.  There is not a night that I put Gracie to bed that I don't thank God for the mere fact of her.  The solid weight of her body breathing into my neck is the only drug I will ever need (but I won't turn down a glass of wine, just to be on the safe side).

I guess part of me feels in limbo...for the last two years there has always been a next step to the grieving process, a goal in mind.  Now, even though a million different things will change until the day I die, now is the part where I move forward and Rip's death comes with me as it is.

I guess it all really comes back to not wanting his story to end, wanting his life to mean something more  "the baby we lost".  And I know it has, so many people have told me that Rip's story meant something to them and that truly makes all of the difference in the world.

I think the trick now is how to move forward in a way that is healthy for Gracie, for me and for Parke, and also in a way that honors Rip and keeps him a celebrated part of our family.  It's not easy, but I've always been one who believes in magic.

1 comment:

  1. This post was just so right on for me. First, the wine... yes. I'll never turn down a glass either and Benjamin is seriously a drug for me as well.

    I blog about everything, so my writing continues, but less than it was. Rip's death will go with you until your last day as Andrew's will with me. I understand this so well. Some part of that is comforting... to know he's always with me despite the obvious sadness of it being static.

    I love that last paragraph. How to move forward with the family who is still here while still honoring Rip. Some kind of balance, but that's the trick and difficulty of it all. Balance wavers and it's so hard to know just how to go about this part of our lives.