Being a new Mama, you worry....a lot. I saw a quote the other day, I am sure most everyone has seen it because it is all over Pinterest (also known as "where did the last four hours of my life go"), it says...
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body" Elizabeth Stone
And how true that is. Today there was a huge thunderstorm, we're talking really big. I sat and watched seven fire trucks whip by me and immediately began to panic...so much so that I made Parke ride by Gracie's daycare to make sure it wasn't on fire.
This kind of thing happens and people will say something like, "well, that is just being a mother", and I know that's true, just see the quote above. But I have to wonder, how much of it is also being a mother who lost a child?
I think the difference is the knowing. Not just the worrying about "what if" something happened, but the knowing what it would feel like if it did. It adds a layer to being a mother, not always a bad layer. I know for certain that I take greater joy in Gracie's every breath because Rip also breathed. But yes also an extra layer of fear and worry.
So as always, you take the good with the bad, you can't have one without the other. Half of my heart in heaven, the other half right here on earth. Right now my earthly half, part of my good, is probably sucking down her last "ba ba" and waiting on her Mama to come give her some squeezes. Yes please.