To be really honest, I still don't feel all that comfortable talking about God. It wasn't my thing before Rip died, I was always too worried about what other people would think. But so much has happened to me in the past year, especially during my pregnancy with Gracie, that I can't not write about my beliefs. So, to quote a friend, "if you don't like it don't look at it!"
I don't think I am anyone special, so the fact that I feel like God heard and answered my prayers during my pregnancy with Gracie just makes me feel as if he really cares that much about each individual person. For me, with Gracie, it was all about the rainbows.
Gracie is what is called my "rainbow baby", the sun after the storm. In the Bible, God sends his rainbow as a promise. I knew both of these things when "Gracie's rainbows" started appearing. I know I've written about some of this before, but it all started when my mother sent me a picture of a rainbow with the caption "you will be here soon!"...she meant the location, but I took it as an answer to my tearful prayer that morning for a sign that there would be a baby in our future.
The next rainbow was the most exciting for me...I'd prayed so hard to be pregnant by Easter, but no matter how many tests I took, that second little line wasn't showing up. I'd really tried so hard to believe, and I was devastated. I literally got on my knees and prayed...when I opened my eyes a rainbow was there...and when I took that next test, so was that wonderful little line.
And so it went. After we received scary test results and were asked to come back for follow up, I specifically prayed for a rainbow to show me everything was okay. Five minutes later, there is was. I'd be driving home from work, scared out of my mind, and look up only to see old Roy G Biv lighting up the sky. One day towards the end of my pregnancy, I was praying so hard for a sign that Gracie was going to live and never got one. Later that night, I asked Parke if he happened to see a rainbow that day...to which he replied "Yeah, there was a huge one out at the beach today."
Like I said, I don't think God picked me as anyone special, I think maybe He speaks to all of us when we need it most. And it's not that I don't wonder why he did not answer my prayers for Rip, I think about it all of the time. One day, when I was talking about that with a friend, she pointed me to John 11:35...Jesus wept. It gave me some comfort that maybe Rip's death made God weep for us...that for whatever the reason Rip had to be taken from us, it wasn't a vengeful God.
There were many, many other ways I felt God through these past two years, and many more since Gracie arrived. But it was the rainbow connection that had the biggest impact on me. I truly believe they were the answer to my prayers until the biggest answer, who thank the good lord is FINALLY asleep this morning, arrived. That's my story, and I'm sitcking to it!