"You can always remember the second and the third and the fourth time, but there's no time like the first. It's always there."
Friday, November 18, 2011
Always There
There is a quote that my parents put in my high school yearbook that keeps running though my head ...
"You can always remember the second and the third and the fourth time, but there's no time like the first. It's always there."
Today, I am thankful that Rip will always be my first. No matter what, in my heart, he is always there.
"You can always remember the second and the third and the fourth time, but there's no time like the first. It's always there."
Friday, November 11, 2011
To You on Your Birthday
Dear Rip,
Today you are one year old! This day is a happy, happy day.
The morning you were born your Daddy and I got up very early, mainly because I wanted to take a shower, dry my hair, and put on make-up to look pretty for you (because I am your Mama, and that's just how I am). We were so so excited to meet you.
When the doctor finally held you up, we were both crying tears of joy. We thought you were the most beautiful thing we had ever seen, even if you looked a little like an alien at first. Soon you were all clean and fluffed up and I knew you exactly who you were...my baby boy.
Your daddy went with you to make sure you were settled into your new surroundings okay, and when he got back he told me that you were like a perfect little present. He was exactly right, you gave us the best gift that we could have asked for...you made us your Mama and Daddy. That is a gift I am so thankful for today and every day.
Of course we are sad that we cannot be with you on this day, but life is full of very sad things and very good things and you can't really experience one without the other...and you, my little boy, are a Very Good Thing.
The day will come when I get to hold you in my arms again and I hope you are ready to be squeezed to pieces (because I am your Mama, and that's just how I am).
Happy Birthday, Rip Harris. We love you more than words can say.
Love,
Your Mama
Today you are one year old! This day is a happy, happy day.
The morning you were born your Daddy and I got up very early, mainly because I wanted to take a shower, dry my hair, and put on make-up to look pretty for you (because I am your Mama, and that's just how I am). We were so so excited to meet you.
When the doctor finally held you up, we were both crying tears of joy. We thought you were the most beautiful thing we had ever seen, even if you looked a little like an alien at first. Soon you were all clean and fluffed up and I knew you exactly who you were...my baby boy.
Your daddy went with you to make sure you were settled into your new surroundings okay, and when he got back he told me that you were like a perfect little present. He was exactly right, you gave us the best gift that we could have asked for...you made us your Mama and Daddy. That is a gift I am so thankful for today and every day.
Of course we are sad that we cannot be with you on this day, but life is full of very sad things and very good things and you can't really experience one without the other...and you, my little boy, are a Very Good Thing.
The day will come when I get to hold you in my arms again and I hope you are ready to be squeezed to pieces (because I am your Mama, and that's just how I am).
Happy Birthday, Rip Harris. We love you more than words can say.
Love,
Your Mama
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Isn't She Lovely
Today is my sister Kit's 18th Birthday.
Everyone should be so lucky to have such a sweet, kind, beautiful on the inside and out sister.
We love our "Aunt Kit"...Happy Happy Birthday!!!
Isn't She Lovely?
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
"She's Just Not a Small Girl"
Gracie's 32 week ultrasound was today and all looked great. The first thing the tech commented on was how much hair she has, which old wives tale or no, I think is contributing to the ridiculous amount of heartburn I've been having lately. The second thing she noticed was that Gracie is BIG.
Rip weighed a little over 5 lbs when he was born at 35 weeks...according to the ultrasound (which I know can be off), Gracie has already surpassed him. Overall she is in the 75th percentile, with her head being in the 90th percentile...when I asked if that was normal, my doctor said "well, she's just not a small girl". Not what most ladies want to hear, but it was music to my ears! Maybe a little more so knowing that I will have a c-section.
It looks like all of those prayers for a big, fat healthy baby are paying off...I can't wait to get that hairy little piglet in my arms!
Rip weighed a little over 5 lbs when he was born at 35 weeks...according to the ultrasound (which I know can be off), Gracie has already surpassed him. Overall she is in the 75th percentile, with her head being in the 90th percentile...when I asked if that was normal, my doctor said "well, she's just not a small girl". Not what most ladies want to hear, but it was music to my ears! Maybe a little more so knowing that I will have a c-section.
It looks like all of those prayers for a big, fat healthy baby are paying off...I can't wait to get that hairy little piglet in my arms!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Saints and Miracles and all that Jazz..
I will be the first to admit, I can be pretty cynical. It goes against my nature to act too "sweetsy" about anything, I always feel the need to follow sentimentality with a joke or sarcastic comment. I'm not a huge fan of romantic comedies or things of that nature, I think I am the only person in the world that hated The Notebook.
Yesterday was All Saints Day at our church. It is a day where, as my pastor told Parke and me, "we honor all of the saints, even the littlest ones". Rip's name was the first read out loud during the service. I would never have chosen for my child to be a saint, but hearing him commemorated in that way reminded me of how special he is. I felt pride along with my sadness. I am so thankful for his life, for the mere fact that he was and still is remembered and loved.
Later in the day we held Gracie's baby shower. It was a happy, happy time. So many family and friends, all there to celebrate her life, just as we celebrated her brother's earlier in the day.
After Rip died, I had moments where I would walk into a crowded place, look at all of the people, and recognize that they were all once babies. At that time, my thoughts were darker and I felt bitter that all of these "babies" made it when mine didn't. I was in the frame of mind that it is a miracle that anyone makes it into this world at all. Now I realize it is a miracle.
The lives that I celebrated yesterday are miracles...I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes or putting in a sarcastic comment here...but it's true. This little girl that is growing inside of me is a miracle, and I am so thankful for the chance to celebrate her. The family and friends that surround me in the good times and the bad are part of that miracle too.
So, like that good old Grinch, my heart has grown a few sizes this year. Maybe it is the spirit of the season, but I'm not afraid to say that I believe in saints and miracles and all that jazz. Just don't ask me to watch The Notebook, I have limits.
Yesterday was All Saints Day at our church. It is a day where, as my pastor told Parke and me, "we honor all of the saints, even the littlest ones". Rip's name was the first read out loud during the service. I would never have chosen for my child to be a saint, but hearing him commemorated in that way reminded me of how special he is. I felt pride along with my sadness. I am so thankful for his life, for the mere fact that he was and still is remembered and loved.
Later in the day we held Gracie's baby shower. It was a happy, happy time. So many family and friends, all there to celebrate her life, just as we celebrated her brother's earlier in the day.
After Rip died, I had moments where I would walk into a crowded place, look at all of the people, and recognize that they were all once babies. At that time, my thoughts were darker and I felt bitter that all of these "babies" made it when mine didn't. I was in the frame of mind that it is a miracle that anyone makes it into this world at all. Now I realize it is a miracle.
The lives that I celebrated yesterday are miracles...I have to stop myself from rolling my eyes or putting in a sarcastic comment here...but it's true. This little girl that is growing inside of me is a miracle, and I am so thankful for the chance to celebrate her. The family and friends that surround me in the good times and the bad are part of that miracle too.
So, like that good old Grinch, my heart has grown a few sizes this year. Maybe it is the spirit of the season, but I'm not afraid to say that I believe in saints and miracles and all that jazz. Just don't ask me to watch The Notebook, I have limits.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Redirect
I have to admit, lately I have succumbed to what my dad always calls "stinkin thinkin". To be honest, in the last few weeks I kind of lost my way, my faith and the ability to believe.
After Rip died, my faith is a big part of what saved me. I turned to the Bible and to prayer in ways that I never thought to do before. I found comfort where I thought there was none to be had. Believing that I would see my son again saved me.
I've realized that I haven't been carrying that same faith with me in the last part of this pregnancy. I think a lot of it has to do with protecting my heart. Subconsciously I guess I've been feeling that if I didn't trust God then I couldn't be hurt again, which of course if far from the truth.
This morning I woke up and knew that I had to make a choice, either I believe or I don't. I chose to believe. To believe that the same God who carried me through the weeks after Rip's death, the same God who answered my prayers for this pregnancy, the same God I know I've felt my whole life has not changed. I am not doing Parke, Gracie, Rip or myself a favor by turning my back on Him.
There is a saying that worry is just a prayer for something to go wrong, and I've been doing too much of that lately. I've lost sight of the goal, that despite all of the things that could go wrong the light at the end of this tunnel is a healthy baby. That's where my head needs to be right now.
There were two quotes I read this morning that affirmed what I was feeling. The first was the serenity prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I can't change what happened with Rip, as much as I wish I could. I can have the courage to have faith in Gracie, as hard as it may be. And for me, I know I don't have the strength to do either alone.
The second quote was "It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty- Goethe"
I know it was our choice to name this baby Grace, but it wasn't a name I even thought of using until I got pregnant with her. I feel like this name was meant to be, to give me comfort and make me feel as if God's grace and the baby Grace were meant just for me in quotes like this one.
I know I may have to make the choice to believe ten times a day, to redirect my thought from dark places fifty more...but today I choose to have faith.
After Rip died, my faith is a big part of what saved me. I turned to the Bible and to prayer in ways that I never thought to do before. I found comfort where I thought there was none to be had. Believing that I would see my son again saved me.
I've realized that I haven't been carrying that same faith with me in the last part of this pregnancy. I think a lot of it has to do with protecting my heart. Subconsciously I guess I've been feeling that if I didn't trust God then I couldn't be hurt again, which of course if far from the truth.
This morning I woke up and knew that I had to make a choice, either I believe or I don't. I chose to believe. To believe that the same God who carried me through the weeks after Rip's death, the same God who answered my prayers for this pregnancy, the same God I know I've felt my whole life has not changed. I am not doing Parke, Gracie, Rip or myself a favor by turning my back on Him.
There is a saying that worry is just a prayer for something to go wrong, and I've been doing too much of that lately. I've lost sight of the goal, that despite all of the things that could go wrong the light at the end of this tunnel is a healthy baby. That's where my head needs to be right now.
There were two quotes I read this morning that affirmed what I was feeling. The first was the serenity prayer:
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
I can't change what happened with Rip, as much as I wish I could. I can have the courage to have faith in Gracie, as hard as it may be. And for me, I know I don't have the strength to do either alone.
The second quote was "It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty- Goethe"
I know it was our choice to name this baby Grace, but it wasn't a name I even thought of using until I got pregnant with her. I feel like this name was meant to be, to give me comfort and make me feel as if God's grace and the baby Grace were meant just for me in quotes like this one.
I know I may have to make the choice to believe ten times a day, to redirect my thought from dark places fifty more...but today I choose to have faith.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Raindrops on Roses
I feel I've been a little doom and gloom lately, not that it isn't warranted but I wanted to make it known that there is still a good deal of happiness going on in my life.
Here are a few of my favorite things this fall:
My wiggle worm of a baby girl...Last week at our doctor's it took them a full ten minutes to get her heartbeat because she kept kicking away the monitor. The nurse (somewhat ominously) said, "This is when you can really start to tell their personalities". I am sure she will keep me running in the years to come, but for now nothing makes me happier than the crazy gymnastics going on in my belly.
Russian Tea...you know, the kind with Tang in it that is literally pure sugar? I didn't even know they still made Tang but over the weekend my mom made me a batch and it has become my morning treat. Based on the sugar content alone, Gracie seems to like it too.
Books on CD...this is my newest obsession. I sincerely look forward to getting in my car and driving somewhere when I know I have a good book. I was getting a bit hormonally road-ragey there for a while, but now I actually welcome the sight of a little traffic.
A Happy Halloween...I was a little worried that Halloween this year would be hard, but I honestly enjoyed it. Last year I was in the hospital and horribly lonely. This year, Parke, Dock the dog, Gracie and I all piled on the couch and ate hot dogs (a long standing family Halloween tradition). We had some cute little buggers come by to trick-or-treat and gave away all of our candy...well, except for the little pile I set aside for later. I have a growing girl to think about after all.
November...yes, parts of November are really hard. But I have always loved this month. Some of my favorite people have birthdays coming up, my mom, my sister...and well, me. And now I have Rip to add to the list, and no matter what he deserves to be celebrated this month. No child of mine would settle for anything less. Add a fabulous Thanksgiving meal and some day after Thanksgiving shopping (with birthday money in hand) to all of this and there are some good things about November.
Nice people...we have been blessed with some of the best friends and family anyone could ask for. This coming weekend we will have a baby shower for Gracie, something I was initially very hesitant to do because I feel that everyone has already done so much for us. But so many people encouraged this shower, and seemed to genuinely want to celebrate this baby that I am really looking forward to it. And I am enjoying nice people in general, being pregnant you tend to get a lot of big smiles and encouraging comments...and while they may be thinking you poor old big thing, it makes life considerably more enjoyable to be surrounded by goodwill.
So, these are just a few of my favorite things...simply remembered and now I don't feel so bad.
Here are a few of my favorite things this fall:
My wiggle worm of a baby girl...Last week at our doctor's it took them a full ten minutes to get her heartbeat because she kept kicking away the monitor. The nurse (somewhat ominously) said, "This is when you can really start to tell their personalities". I am sure she will keep me running in the years to come, but for now nothing makes me happier than the crazy gymnastics going on in my belly.
Russian Tea...you know, the kind with Tang in it that is literally pure sugar? I didn't even know they still made Tang but over the weekend my mom made me a batch and it has become my morning treat. Based on the sugar content alone, Gracie seems to like it too.
Books on CD...this is my newest obsession. I sincerely look forward to getting in my car and driving somewhere when I know I have a good book. I was getting a bit hormonally road-ragey there for a while, but now I actually welcome the sight of a little traffic.
A Happy Halloween...I was a little worried that Halloween this year would be hard, but I honestly enjoyed it. Last year I was in the hospital and horribly lonely. This year, Parke, Dock the dog, Gracie and I all piled on the couch and ate hot dogs (a long standing family Halloween tradition). We had some cute little buggers come by to trick-or-treat and gave away all of our candy...well, except for the little pile I set aside for later. I have a growing girl to think about after all.
November...yes, parts of November are really hard. But I have always loved this month. Some of my favorite people have birthdays coming up, my mom, my sister...and well, me. And now I have Rip to add to the list, and no matter what he deserves to be celebrated this month. No child of mine would settle for anything less. Add a fabulous Thanksgiving meal and some day after Thanksgiving shopping (with birthday money in hand) to all of this and there are some good things about November.
Nice people...we have been blessed with some of the best friends and family anyone could ask for. This coming weekend we will have a baby shower for Gracie, something I was initially very hesitant to do because I feel that everyone has already done so much for us. But so many people encouraged this shower, and seemed to genuinely want to celebrate this baby that I am really looking forward to it. And I am enjoying nice people in general, being pregnant you tend to get a lot of big smiles and encouraging comments...and while they may be thinking you poor old big thing, it makes life considerably more enjoyable to be surrounded by goodwill.
So, these are just a few of my favorite things...simply remembered and now I don't feel so bad.
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