I haven't forgotten about the whole 30 days of thankfulness thing...in true Anne fashion, I've just procrastinated until the last possible minute.
The good news is the last possible minute is usually when I do my best work. So where did I leave off? Day 7? Twenty-three things I am thankful for, coming right up!
8. My bed. There is nothing like sinking into a warm, soft bed at the end of the day...particularly one that you have been sleeping in so long that it is all "Anne-shaped" on one side.
9. Sweet Tea. Seriously, what does the rest of the country drink?
10. Old Friends. There is something about being born, going to college, and raising your kids in the same state. Some people may consider that to be sad, uncultured even...but I consider it lucky. I have friends who have known me at my best and my worst and even before anyone clued me into eyebrow waxing, and they love me anyway.
11. New Friends. I never understood why some had to be silver and some gold (all former Brownies will know what I am talking about). The new friends I have made, especially since Rip died, are all platinum to me.
12. Family. I've got a good one. The one we've created, my husband's, the one who raised me...just good. 'Nuff said.
13. The smell of Christmas Tree. I found THE BEST candle while shopping on Black Friday, it smells just like a Frasier Fir and makes me so happy. It's the little things.
14. Christmas in general. This year is fun for us. I am beyond thankful for that.
15. Black Friday shopping. It's a tradition my mom and I have been doing for our birthdays since I was about ten. I know that everyone carries on about the lines and why and blah blah blah...but I have a cute new peplum top and a really good smelling candle...do you?
16. My faith. Because honestly, this girl, wouldn't be here today without it.
17. Days of renewed faith. Today I went back and read "Sounds of Sunshine", my first Gracie blog post. I called "her" her when I was 11 weeks pregnant. Sometimes it takes my going back and reading something to see just how much God has been there all along. And I need reminding.
18. Anniversaries. Parke and my five year anniversary is this Saturday. We have been together for 13 years. Thankful for the Parke-shaped spot on the other side of my bed.
19. Picking Gracie up from school. She gets the biggest smile on her face and starts wildly waving her arms and legs, it's like her whole body lights up. Best. Thing. Ever.
20. Grey's Anatomy. I love it. I can't explain why, but I do. Don't judge.
21. Exercise. I just (like this week) started doing it again. I used to be a runner and I miss that runner's high, feeling strong thing. For me, physical strength helps with mental strength...and who couldn't use more of that? Hopefully it will become more of a regular routine.
22. Treats. Just the word is exciting. Who wants a treat? Who doesn't??!!
23. Family Boots. These are the boots that my mom, sister, and I all bought two years ago and thus dubbed the "family boots". They are camel colored and I wear them almost everyday with everything. They rock.
24. Good books. Recently I've slipped back into my old routine of reading every night before bed. Few things make me happier than being in the middle of a good book. I will walk around all day feeling like something exciting is happening before I remember it is actually happening to the characters in my book, and then I can't wait to get back to them (Hi, my name is Anne...I am a dork).
25. Our new house. I love the neighborhood we are in now, and I've got big plans for the house. Much to Parke's horror, these plans include turquoise interior doors.
26. The ocean. Because it heals all things.
27. Signs. In particular the number eleven and rainbows.
28. Big Bows. On my child's head. Even if they only stay there for five minutes.
29. The fact that Gracie's fist word was "kitty-cat". And that she uses it indiscriminately, so that at any given time the dog, Parke, or I can all be a kitty-cat. Again, it's the little things.
30. And lastly, and perhaps unexpectedly, I am thankful for this lady who, by royally screwing up a priceless painting, gave my friend and I a good old fashioned belly laugh when we really needed it. Probably not the nicest thing to be thankful for, but there you have it.
Happy belated Thanksgiving, everybody!
Friday, November 30, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
The Mamas
You know who I find myself praying for, time and time again...the Mamas.
My heart all but breaks for the Mamas who have lost babies.
And yes, I am sure this is mainly because I have been there and done that. That I am a Mama who lost her baby.
I realize that there are others involved...certainly the Daddys, but also the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends. They certainly deserve throughts and prayers as well. But somehow they seem to be able to cope better, to be stronger.
And then there are the babies themselves...and I am not just talking about babies in the strictest sense of the word..any mama can tell you that her baby is always her baby. I think about Rip and pray for him all of the time. But, deep down, I know he is okay. He is safe. He is loved. He is taken care of...
So usually it is the Mamas who need the caring for. And it leaves me frustrated, wishing that I could DO more. I know what it feels like to wish more than anything you could go back to that one day and change something...I wish I could fix it for them, for all of us.
Lori, Sarah, Christa, Brandy, Liza, Austin, and all of those other Mamas out there who have lost, I am so sorry. I wish there was something more that I could say. May peace find you on this day.
My heart all but breaks for the Mamas who have lost babies.
And yes, I am sure this is mainly because I have been there and done that. That I am a Mama who lost her baby.
I realize that there are others involved...certainly the Daddys, but also the grandparents, aunts, uncles, and friends. They certainly deserve throughts and prayers as well. But somehow they seem to be able to cope better, to be stronger.
And then there are the babies themselves...and I am not just talking about babies in the strictest sense of the word..any mama can tell you that her baby is always her baby. I think about Rip and pray for him all of the time. But, deep down, I know he is okay. He is safe. He is loved. He is taken care of...
So usually it is the Mamas who need the caring for. And it leaves me frustrated, wishing that I could DO more. I know what it feels like to wish more than anything you could go back to that one day and change something...I wish I could fix it for them, for all of us.
Lori, Sarah, Christa, Brandy, Liza, Austin, and all of those other Mamas out there who have lost, I am so sorry. I wish there was something more that I could say. May peace find you on this day.
Monday, November 26, 2012
And Then Some
Well, it's official. I am "in my thirties". Thirty-two, to be exact.
I think maybe I am slightly in shock. It's not that I really mind...but let's be honest, I was pretty heavily drugged when I turned thirty, and pretty heavily pregnant when I turned thirty-one. It's been a heck of a two years and this is kind of like my 29 year old self blinking and waking up well, "in my thirties".
I have a vivid memory of being around seven years old and thinking about what thirty would be like. I thought that a) I would stay up very late and watch TV and b) shots would no longer hurt
Ironically, although I guess I could technically stay up as late as I want and watch TV, I am lucky to keep my eyes open past 9:00 and unfortunately, shots still hurt, it's just less socially acceptable to run screaming from the nurse these days.
But lest you think my seven year old self would have been totally let down, I do think there are some good things about growing up. I find that I feel things more and less.
Things that I used to care about so much (ie whether anybody in the room thought I was a complete fool), I could now care less about...mainly because I've learned, as most people do by their late 20's or so, that everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to waste much time thinking about me. And, if they do think I am a complete fool, fine by me. They are totally right.
On the other hand, I feel what I DO care about these days are the really important things. The people in my life who matter. Taking time to enjoy them, taking time to listen. Trying to push myself to be a person I like, even when it is hard to do.
Maybe that wouldn't have made up for the going to bed early or painful shots... I also eat a LOT of candy, whenever I want!
So here's to thirty-two, bound to be a good year...because honestly, how could anything associated with the number of flavors at Baskin Robbins not be?
I think maybe I am slightly in shock. It's not that I really mind...but let's be honest, I was pretty heavily drugged when I turned thirty, and pretty heavily pregnant when I turned thirty-one. It's been a heck of a two years and this is kind of like my 29 year old self blinking and waking up well, "in my thirties".
I have a vivid memory of being around seven years old and thinking about what thirty would be like. I thought that a) I would stay up very late and watch TV and b) shots would no longer hurt
Ironically, although I guess I could technically stay up as late as I want and watch TV, I am lucky to keep my eyes open past 9:00 and unfortunately, shots still hurt, it's just less socially acceptable to run screaming from the nurse these days.
But lest you think my seven year old self would have been totally let down, I do think there are some good things about growing up. I find that I feel things more and less.
Things that I used to care about so much (ie whether anybody in the room thought I was a complete fool), I could now care less about...mainly because I've learned, as most people do by their late 20's or so, that everyone is too busy thinking about themselves to waste much time thinking about me. And, if they do think I am a complete fool, fine by me. They are totally right.
On the other hand, I feel what I DO care about these days are the really important things. The people in my life who matter. Taking time to enjoy them, taking time to listen. Trying to push myself to be a person I like, even when it is hard to do.
Maybe that wouldn't have made up for the going to bed early or painful shots... I also eat a LOT of candy, whenever I want!
So here's to thirty-two, bound to be a good year...because honestly, how could anything associated with the number of flavors at Baskin Robbins not be?
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Standing Up Again
As you probably already know, occasionally I worry that I sound a little too Pollyanna-ish (and to quote my friend Walker, "the only good part of that movie is when she falls out of the tree").
The night of the anniversary of Rip's passing away, I got the stomach flu. For those that know me, you know this was a big deal. I HATE to throw up. Up until recently I was on a 19 year span of not getting sick once, and that included college. My parents never even gave me the "don't drink to much" spiel because they knew I would never knowingly put myself in that position.
I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but there is a Minnie Driver movie called Return to Me that has one line that always pops in my head during this type of situation, As I found myself huddled on the bathroom floor the other night writhing around in misery, I pictured good old Minnie screaming at the top of her lungs "WHAT WAS GOD THINKING?!!"
But you know what the one good thing about having the stomach flu is? Getting over the stomach flu. Waking up the next day was pure bliss. It was over, I could drink flat Sprite and eat saltines and watch bad daytime TV. Was it worth it? Probably not...but sometimes you are just thankful to have made it to the other side.
Losing my child is nothing like having a 24 hour bug. I wont ever "get over" losing Rip. It's not something I can compare to anything else in my life. But I am glad to have made it through these last two years. I am glad to be where I am now instead of where I was November 19th, 2010.
I try, and often fail, to stay positive. I have more than my fair share of "What was God Thinking?" moments. But once you've fallen out of the tree there are only so many options.
The night of the anniversary of Rip's passing away, I got the stomach flu. For those that know me, you know this was a big deal. I HATE to throw up. Up until recently I was on a 19 year span of not getting sick once, and that included college. My parents never even gave me the "don't drink to much" spiel because they knew I would never knowingly put myself in that position.
I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but there is a Minnie Driver movie called Return to Me that has one line that always pops in my head during this type of situation, As I found myself huddled on the bathroom floor the other night writhing around in misery, I pictured good old Minnie screaming at the top of her lungs "WHAT WAS GOD THINKING?!!"
But you know what the one good thing about having the stomach flu is? Getting over the stomach flu. Waking up the next day was pure bliss. It was over, I could drink flat Sprite and eat saltines and watch bad daytime TV. Was it worth it? Probably not...but sometimes you are just thankful to have made it to the other side.
Losing my child is nothing like having a 24 hour bug. I wont ever "get over" losing Rip. It's not something I can compare to anything else in my life. But I am glad to have made it through these last two years. I am glad to be where I am now instead of where I was November 19th, 2010.
I try, and often fail, to stay positive. I have more than my fair share of "What was God Thinking?" moments. But once you've fallen out of the tree there are only so many options.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Mama
Today, exactly two years from the worst day of my life, my second born said "Mama" for the first time.
I know some people believe things like that are a happy coincidence and some people believe things like that are gifts from above (I'll let you guess which I am), but I think all mothers will agree that hearing those words from your child's lips are heavenly.
I am so thankful for the life of the little boy who made me worthy of such a wonderful sound in the first place. For his sake, and his sister's, I hope I always live up to the name.
I know some people believe things like that are a happy coincidence and some people believe things like that are gifts from above (I'll let you guess which I am), but I think all mothers will agree that hearing those words from your child's lips are heavenly.
I am so thankful for the life of the little boy who made me worthy of such a wonderful sound in the first place. For his sake, and his sister's, I hope I always live up to the name.
Saturday, November 17, 2012
Dear Gracie
Dear Gracie,
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that your big brother Rip went to live in Heaven. I know that as you grow up, it might be a little confusing to you if Mama and Daddy seem sad around this time of year.
As your Mama, I want to be able to explain things to you so that you understand...but even though Mamas and Daddys know almost everything, there are still some things even we don't know the exact answers to.
You know who does know the answer to everything? God. And you know who loves us more than anything in the world? God. And do you know who is taking care of your brother this very minute? God!
So one very important thing for you to know is that Rip is safe and sound up in Heaven and you are safe and sound right here with us.
But even though we know that God has Rip safe in Heaven, because we are his Mama and Daddy and would like to squeeze him to pieces like we squeeze you to pieces it makes us sad that he is not right here with us. And that's okay too...it is always okay to be sad or cry about somebody very important to you...just remember that even with sad things there are still good and happy things in the world.
And do you know what my best and happiest thing in the world is? You. Gracie Louise Harris. And do you know why? Just because you are you...the Gracie Louisest Harris of them all. If your Daddy and I could pick from any baby in the whole world, we would always pick you, Squeeze Louise.
So remember, even if sometimes we may seem a little sad, it will always be okay. Because Mama and Daddy love you very,very much (and we know almost everything).
Love,
Your Mama
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that your big brother Rip went to live in Heaven. I know that as you grow up, it might be a little confusing to you if Mama and Daddy seem sad around this time of year.
As your Mama, I want to be able to explain things to you so that you understand...but even though Mamas and Daddys know almost everything, there are still some things even we don't know the exact answers to.
You know who does know the answer to everything? God. And you know who loves us more than anything in the world? God. And do you know who is taking care of your brother this very minute? God!
So one very important thing for you to know is that Rip is safe and sound up in Heaven and you are safe and sound right here with us.
But even though we know that God has Rip safe in Heaven, because we are his Mama and Daddy and would like to squeeze him to pieces like we squeeze you to pieces it makes us sad that he is not right here with us. And that's okay too...it is always okay to be sad or cry about somebody very important to you...just remember that even with sad things there are still good and happy things in the world.
And do you know what my best and happiest thing in the world is? You. Gracie Louise Harris. And do you know why? Just because you are you...the Gracie Louisest Harris of them all. If your Daddy and I could pick from any baby in the whole world, we would always pick you, Squeeze Louise.
So remember, even if sometimes we may seem a little sad, it will always be okay. Because Mama and Daddy love you very,very much (and we know almost everything).
Love,
Your Mama
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