I've said many times that it is hard to be mom to a child in heaven. It's hard for all of the obvious reasons. It's hard because while I may not know what it is like to be up all night with a crying baby, I know what it is like to be up all night wishing with every piece of my being that there was a crying baby there with me. Hard because while I may not know how my day to day life will be completely changed when I have a baby with me, I know what it is like to have my day to day life completely changed by having a baby who is not with me. I don't know everything that my friends know about being a mom, but I know things that I am so thankful they don't have to know.
My job as a mom to Rip is different, being a mom to Rip is the main reason I write this blog. So that no matter how much time passes, his name will not be forgotten. It will always be known how much he is loved and missed, how many lives he touched and changed.
My job as a mom to Gracie will also be different. Gracie will know she has a big brother who is loved and missed, that she has an angel who looks out for her. But my biggest goal for Gracie is for her to know just how much she is loved and wanted. Not as a replacement, not as someone to take away the sadness, but as a little girl her parents want so much just for being her. It's my job to make sure that Gracie grows up in a happy home, and it's one I take very seriously.
However hard it may be, I wouldn't trade my job for anything in this world.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Fall-ing Out
I am the most cold-natured person on earth. I am that girl in a sweatshirt as soon as the temperature dips below 80...and yet, I am almost giddy about our first cool weather coming this weekend.
This time last year, I was only one week away from a 6 week hospital stay. I basically missed an entire season sitting in one bed, one room for 36 days. I kept looking outside and watching the sky get that bright fall blue, I dreamed about football games and Halloween and pumpkin spiced lattes.
I really try not to dwell on the sad, lord knows there is enough sad without me dragging things up...so here are some good things:
This weekend I am going to plant purple pansies in my front yard..heck, I might even get a pumpkin
I am going to sit on the beach in a chair (and a sweatshirt) and let the sun beat down on my face
I am going to take a walk and let cold water hit my feet, because I can
I am going to eat as much candy corn/m&m/peanut/raisin mix that I can fit into my ever-growing belly
I am going to drink apple cider, pumpkin spiced lattes and hot chocolate
I am going to buy some big old jeggings and put them on with boots
Basically, I am going to fall out over fall.
This time last year, I was only one week away from a 6 week hospital stay. I basically missed an entire season sitting in one bed, one room for 36 days. I kept looking outside and watching the sky get that bright fall blue, I dreamed about football games and Halloween and pumpkin spiced lattes.
I really try not to dwell on the sad, lord knows there is enough sad without me dragging things up...so here are some good things:
This weekend I am going to plant purple pansies in my front yard..heck, I might even get a pumpkin
I am going to sit on the beach in a chair (and a sweatshirt) and let the sun beat down on my face
I am going to take a walk and let cold water hit my feet, because I can
I am going to eat as much candy corn/m&m/peanut/raisin mix that I can fit into my ever-growing belly
I am going to drink apple cider, pumpkin spiced lattes and hot chocolate
I am going to buy some big old jeggings and put them on with boots
Basically, I am going to fall out over fall.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Just to be heard
I believe in God. I became a Christian when I was eleven years old. Even after what happened with Rip, I still believe in God...and that makes it so much harder sometimes.
I've mentioned how I now write in a prayer journal. The last few weeks it has been filled with a lot of "Thank you for this...Please this...Thank you for this...Please this"...but the words on the paper were not the words going on inside my head. To tell you the truth, for the last few weeks I've been really angry at God. I don't know if it is because we are getting closer to the anniversary of Rip's birth and death, or closer to Gracie's birth, probably both. But I've been mentally crossing my arms and turning my back, feeling hurt and betrayed.
So yesterday I wrote what i was feeling. My journal entry went something like this:
Dear God,
I made a commitment to believe in you no matter what, but I am having a really hard time believing in you. I am having a hard time believing that you love me, that you want what is best for me. I look at pictures of Rip and I cannot for the life of me understand how his not being here is best. You tell me that there is a plan that I cannot understand but sometimes that answer is not good enough. I have this child growing inside of me and have the full knowledge that Your Plan is the only thing that guarantees that she will get here safely and be healthy. I put my trust in you and pray every day for her, but I know that her life is in Your hands as was Rip's. And if I am honest with you, sometimes, that does not bring me much comfort. So even as I know I have to rely on you completely, I need you to know that sometimes it feels like too much is being asked of me.
Amen
Today I woke up and that dark cloud that was hanging over my head started to clear. The anger and resentment I was feeling just wasn't there anymore. I know there are people who would tell me it is not up to me to question or be mad at God...those people are right...and also those people probably haven't lost a child. Just like with any other relationship, I needed to make myself heard. I'm glad I did. I feel like having this honest prayer healed me in ways that my rote "Thank you for, Please"'s have not.
I still don't have the answers, and I know that I probably never will. But I believe that I was heard, even understood, and maybe that is what I needed all along.
I've mentioned how I now write in a prayer journal. The last few weeks it has been filled with a lot of "Thank you for this...Please this...Thank you for this...Please this"...but the words on the paper were not the words going on inside my head. To tell you the truth, for the last few weeks I've been really angry at God. I don't know if it is because we are getting closer to the anniversary of Rip's birth and death, or closer to Gracie's birth, probably both. But I've been mentally crossing my arms and turning my back, feeling hurt and betrayed.
So yesterday I wrote what i was feeling. My journal entry went something like this:
Dear God,
I made a commitment to believe in you no matter what, but I am having a really hard time believing in you. I am having a hard time believing that you love me, that you want what is best for me. I look at pictures of Rip and I cannot for the life of me understand how his not being here is best. You tell me that there is a plan that I cannot understand but sometimes that answer is not good enough. I have this child growing inside of me and have the full knowledge that Your Plan is the only thing that guarantees that she will get here safely and be healthy. I put my trust in you and pray every day for her, but I know that her life is in Your hands as was Rip's. And if I am honest with you, sometimes, that does not bring me much comfort. So even as I know I have to rely on you completely, I need you to know that sometimes it feels like too much is being asked of me.
Amen
Today I woke up and that dark cloud that was hanging over my head started to clear. The anger and resentment I was feeling just wasn't there anymore. I know there are people who would tell me it is not up to me to question or be mad at God...those people are right...and also those people probably haven't lost a child. Just like with any other relationship, I needed to make myself heard. I'm glad I did. I feel like having this honest prayer healed me in ways that my rote "Thank you for, Please"'s have not.
I still don't have the answers, and I know that I probably never will. But I believe that I was heard, even understood, and maybe that is what I needed all along.
Sunday, September 25, 2011
It's Party Time
What: Dance Party!
When: 3-5 am, Nightly
Where: My Stomach
What to Bring: The ability to hiccup, kick or punch vital organs and tickle ribs for at least two hours. Bonus points for slowly dragging bodyparts across the bladder region.
S'long sleep...you've been good to me. Hope to see you again sometime next year!
When: 3-5 am, Nightly
Where: My Stomach
What to Bring: The ability to hiccup, kick or punch vital organs and tickle ribs for at least two hours. Bonus points for slowly dragging bodyparts across the bladder region.
S'long sleep...you've been good to me. Hope to see you again sometime next year!
Friday, September 23, 2011
They Say it's Your Birthday
My doctor's office called me this afternoon to let me know that Gracie's birthday (aka my c-section date) has been moved to December 27th. As my mom said, I think I can be available that day.
I am a little funny about the whole birthday thing with her anyway. Because it was medically necessary for me to have a c-section with Rip (as it will be for me with Gracie), I, in the broadest sense of the word, "chose" Rip's birthday. Granted, we knew he had to come early and I think I was maybe given a choice of a Thursday or a Friday, but I picked the 11th because it was my lucky number. And though I know (I know I know I know) that decision did not play a part in what happened after Rip was born, there are times when it weighs on me.
In the truest sense of the concept, Gracie won't get to come whenever she wants to...if she is still hanging in there two days after Christmas she is destined to be in my arms whether she likes it or not. But I am okay with that being my doctor's call at this point.
Still, being that Gracie seems to be a bit of a party girl, I would not be surprised if she made it known that she would like to join in the festivities a few days earlier. Either way, they say December 27th is your birthday and that is just fine with me.
I am a little funny about the whole birthday thing with her anyway. Because it was medically necessary for me to have a c-section with Rip (as it will be for me with Gracie), I, in the broadest sense of the word, "chose" Rip's birthday. Granted, we knew he had to come early and I think I was maybe given a choice of a Thursday or a Friday, but I picked the 11th because it was my lucky number. And though I know (I know I know I know) that decision did not play a part in what happened after Rip was born, there are times when it weighs on me.
In the truest sense of the concept, Gracie won't get to come whenever she wants to...if she is still hanging in there two days after Christmas she is destined to be in my arms whether she likes it or not. But I am okay with that being my doctor's call at this point.
Still, being that Gracie seems to be a bit of a party girl, I would not be surprised if she made it known that she would like to join in the festivities a few days earlier. Either way, they say December 27th is your birthday and that is just fine with me.
Gracie's Songs
These are the lyrics to the two songs Gracie and I listen to at least once a day...and yes, I tear up in at least one of them every time. Happy tears.
"Gracie" by Ben Folds
You can't fool me, I saw you when you came out
You got your momma's taste but you got my mouth
And you will always have a part of me
Nobody else is ever going to see
Gracie girl
With your cards to your chest walking on your toes
What you got in the box only Gracie knows
And I would never try to make you be
Anything you didn't really want to be
Gracie girl
Life flies by in seconds
You're not a baby Gracie, you're my friend
You'll be a lady soon but until then
You gotta do what I say
You nodded off in my arms watching TV
I won't move you an inch even thought my arm's asleep
One day you're gonna want to go
I hope we taught you everything you need to know
Gracie girl
And there will always be a part of me
Nobody else is ever gonna see but you and me
My little girl
My Gracie girl
"Amazing Grace" LeAnn Rimes version
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.
’twas grace that taught my heart to feel
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
When we’ve been dead ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing god’s praise
Then when we first begun.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.
"Gracie" by Ben Folds
You can't fool me, I saw you when you came out
You got your momma's taste but you got my mouth
And you will always have a part of me
Nobody else is ever going to see
Gracie girl
With your cards to your chest walking on your toes
What you got in the box only Gracie knows
And I would never try to make you be
Anything you didn't really want to be
Gracie girl
Life flies by in seconds
You're not a baby Gracie, you're my friend
You'll be a lady soon but until then
You gotta do what I say
You nodded off in my arms watching TV
I won't move you an inch even thought my arm's asleep
One day you're gonna want to go
I hope we taught you everything you need to know
Gracie girl
And there will always be a part of me
Nobody else is ever gonna see but you and me
My little girl
My Gracie girl
"Amazing Grace" LeAnn Rimes version
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.
’twas grace that taught my heart to feel
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed.
When we’ve been dead ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun,
We’ve no less days to sing god’s praise
Then when we first begun.
Amazing grace, how sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me.
I once was lost, but now I’m found.
Was blind, but now I see.
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
A Glimpse of Grace
In my former life, not only did I say that I would never pass around ultrasound pictures, I declared that I would never, ever stoop so low as to post those creepy 3-D babies.
This is why they tell you never say never.
Good news, it's a baby alright
This is why they tell you never say never.
My daughter, the Trekkie
"Seriously, Mama, relax...give me a little peace and quiet in here"
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