She's Come Undone

I swear EVERYBODY I run in to has a baby. Particularly if I happen to be in Target. Every single person in Target has a child, and most of them are acting like really crummy parents. They yell, or worse ignore, their kids and all I want to do is grab them by the collar and scream in their faces " DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE TO HAVE THIS KID??? ACT LIKE IT! NOW HAVE A NICE DAY AND ENJOY YOUR NACHOS AND CHERRY SLURPEE."

But I don't, instead I pray to God that I have taken enough Ativan to get me out of the store without having a major meltdown.

My latest thing is just this crippling fear that I won't be able to have any more children. That Rip was it and I did not even realize it. I feel like if someone had told me before Rip that I could not have kids, I am sure I would have put on quite a show of moaning and groaning. But I would not have really known what I was missing. Now I know. I know the moment that baby cries your life changes forever. I know that my husband is the best father in the world. I know the sheer terror and absolute love of being a mother. And now I don't think I can live without that.

If I am lucky enough to do this again, I won't take one minute of it for granted.

On Bed

Grieving for my child goes against everything that I am. My natural state of being is that of a happy, optimistic, it will all be okay kind of girl. It is hard for me to be so sad and to cry all of the time when I want so badly to be happy but, for today at least, I have to experience grief.

I woke up crying today, occasionally I will just get huge waves of how much I have lost and it seems overwhelmingly sad. Parke had made plans to play golf but offered to stay home with me. I don't want to be "that girl", have never been "that girl", so I made him go.
I crawled back in bed, hid under the covers, and felt exactly like the poster child for one of those depression commercials. After a while I decided I did not particularly want to be "that girl" either.

I have been through a lot, I deserve a day to just be sad...so I decided to have a day on bed. In bed was too sad, too hopeless. The bed needed to be made, the dog walked, the downstairs tidied, and the Thanksgiving left-overs thrown out. All tasks complete, I am now on the bed with a good book, limitless movie options thanks to our new direct TV, and my dog.

I may cry fifty times today, but that is okay. I may actually enjoy some of my day on bed, and that is okay too. Being on bed, rather than in bed, gave me hope. And for me, that is what my day to day life is all about right now.

What Did Not Help

Somebody gave me a book recently that is supposed to comfort mothers after the loss of a child. You read something from their experience and then you are encouraged to write your own feelings about whatever the subject of the day might be.
I have been dutifully writing each day, journaling my hurt, despair, lack of understanding etc. I have written to Rip about how he looked and how much we love him. As hard as it is to imagine, I can in some way see how I may need or want to look back at these memories years later.
So I was good with the book until today. Today the book asked me to write down what I had been looking forward to experiencing with my baby, and now never would. I am really not a fan of bad language, but I hurled every word I could think of at the stupid book before physically hurling it across the room.
After a minute I retrieved the book from where it landed under the bed and gave it a piece of my mind, told it exactly what I thought of such a ridiculous question. I felt much better.
I know that anger is a stage of grief, a necessary emotion that helps you to heal. So today, I am angry...I am angry with myself, the doctors, God, and anyone else who dares to cross my path. And I am really angry at that stupid book.

What Helped

Our friend, Phill, wrote this song after Rip died. He based it on the story of Job from the Bible, I have been amazed at how it pretty much sums up how I have been feeling. I've listened to it a lot, sometimes it makes me cry and sometime it gives me comfort.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0puGMMmnbbs

After

I used this blog as a way to vent through my pregnancy. We lost our little boy, my perfect Rip, eight days ago. There is nothing I can say to express how heartbreaking, devastating that has been. There are no words to adequately say how much he was and is loved, how he taught Parke and me more about life in seven days that we ever thought was possible. All I can say about Rip is that from the minute he was born he was a miracle.
Today is my 30th birthday, a day I was dreading so much. Yesterday (Thanksgiving), was much harder than I thought it would be...the holidays have always been such a fun and exciting time for me, the loss of Rip was almost too much to bear during a time I am used to being so happy.
This morning I woke up, made Parke coffee (something I have started doing since we lost the baby), got back in bed and cried. Parke comforted me, told me it was okay to cry. My mom called to plan our day of Black Friday shopping, everyone just wants to make it better. I buried my head down deeper in the covers and decided maybe I could just skip my 30th birthday all together.
Then the dog threw up. In the bed.
Parke ran to get paper towels, tripped and fell down the steps.
So there I was, no option but to get up and deal with my sick dog, groaning husband, and soiled bed spread. And I think that is what life, and yes, God, gives us. We can be in the worst situation imaginable and life makes us get up and clean up dog puke.
I am still lonely, confused, and so so sad. I am also, at times, hopeful and thankful. I am going to try to keep up this blog during my 30th year. I want to see how much my life changes by the time I turn 31. I hope to have love, laughter, and maybe even a baby to fill my year. For now, the bad outweighs the good, but there is some good. By this time next year I pray, pray, pray the good will outweigh the bad.

You have got to be kidding

I just noticed that somebody on Facebook posted that their idea of "heaven" was a trip to the gym followed by some sugar-free ice cream. SERIOUSLY??!! What has the world come to when people think the ultimate reward involves diet food?? It's heaven people, live a little... (I mean, as much as you can when you are technically dead).

Down but not out...or how to look good on bedrest

Now working my way to week two of bedrest, I have learned a few things about what it takes to stay sane when you are not able to do anything but sit on your big duff all day. For me, the key to making it through the day without chucking the remote at Matt Lauer's big stupid grinning face (which would be impossible anyway because the remote is one of those annoying hospital things that is attached to your bed) is to try to keep up appearances. I soon realized that I would be seeing more people while I was on bedrest than I usually see in any given month, so this was not the time for me to let myself go into greasy hair, sweatpant mode.

Here are just a few tips in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation:
1. If you are able to shower..shower. Maybe even two or three times a day. This will make you feel like a new person, you will never again be so thankful for the opportunity to shave your legs and slap on a little moisturizer.

2. Demand that someone change your sheets daily. I know, this is not something I thought much about in "normal" life either...but seriously do it. When you get up for your shower only to look down and see half of the chicken salad you had for lunch yesterday has been hiding under your left butt cheek you will be darn glad it won't be there all day.

3. Choose an outfit that does not make you feel like someone off of "What Not to Wear". It may be cute and carefree to throw on some old clothes and run to the grocery store in real life, but when you are sitting in a hospital bed it just looks pitiful. A further recommendation is to put on something with color, even though vampires are in right now, you are no Bella Swan.

4. Now that you are clean and back in the bed, take the time to put on some make-up. You have nothing else to do and slapping on some "dramatic eye" wear will not kill you, it will only make you stronger.

5. As a grand finale, put on your best dangly earrings. Even if you have ignored numbers 1-4, you can distract and dazzle even the most critical of visitors with some shoulder-length sparkles.

Bonus** If you are willing to go the extra mile, have someone give you a pedicure. Nothing says invalid like nasty toenails. Use a bright color, another terrific distraction and a necessary accessory for your anti-embolism hose.

So that's it! I hope that you don't end up in this situation, but just in case, don't give up hope. I would also like to issue an apology to Matt Lauer, I don't normally want to smash your face in...just when I wake up to find I am laying on some old deli-spread.