Day 29

My large family has a tradition, on your birthday, where we go around the table and name our favorite thing about the birthday boy or girl. Last year, on Gracie's birthday, we got all of the way around the table to my adorable two-year-old niece. She smiled the sweetest smile and said, "I don't know. what. is. happ-ening."

And that pretty much sums up life right now.

Most conversations you have with people go around and around in similar ways: Do you think school will re-open? Do you think there will be summer camps? How long are they saying this will last? Does anywhere have toilet paper?

But the bottom line is that we don't know. what is. happ-ening.

Today I put on my Walmart bunny suit and for 1.5 hours my family drove around and I waved my little bunny heart out at children big and small. Really got into character too.

Afterwards, Gracie declared it the best Easter of her life.

And for the 1 millionth time in my 39 years I learned that not having answers to the big things does not mean we can't find joy in the little ones.

Day 27

A friend shared this with me this morning. It gave me chills, thought it was worth preserving here.

How the Virus Stole Easter
By Kristi Bothur
With a nod to Dr. Seuss 

Twas late in ‘19 when the virus began
Bringing chaos and fear to all people, each land.

People were sick, hospitals full,
Doctors overwhelmed, no one in school.

As winter gave way to the promise of spring,
The virus raged on, touching peasant and king.

People hid in their homes from the enemy unseen.
They YouTubed and Zoomed, social-distanced, and cleaned.

April approached and churches were closed.
“There won’t be an Easter,” the world supposed.

“There won’t be church services, and egg hunts are out.
No reason for new dresses when we can’t go about.”

Holy Week started, as bleak as the rest.
The world was focused on masks and on tests.

“Easter can’t happen this year,” it proclaimed.
“Online and at home, it just won’t be the same.”

Maundy Thursday, Good Friday, the days came and went.
The virus pressed on; it just would not relent.

The world woke Sunday and nothing had changed.
The virus still menaced, the people, estranged.

“Pooh pooh to the saints,” the world was grumbling.
“They’re finding out now that no Easter is coming.

“They’re just waking up! We know just what they’ll do!
Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
And then all the saints will all cry boo-hoo.

“That noise,” said the world, “will be something to hear.”
So it paused and the world put a hand to its ear.

And it did hear a sound coming through all the skies.
It started down low, then it started to rise.

But the sound wasn’t depressed.
Why, this sound was triumphant!
It couldn’t be so!
But it grew with abundance!

The world stared around, popping its eyes.
Then it shook! What it saw was a shocking surprise!

Every saint in every nation, the tall and the small,
Was celebrating Jesus in spite of it all!

It hadn’t stopped Easter from coming! It came!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And the world with its life quite stuck in quarantine
Stood puzzling and puzzling.
“Just how can it be?”

“It came without bonnets, it came without bunnies,
It came without egg hunts, cantatas, or money.”

Then the world thought of something it hadn’t before.
“Maybe Easter,” it thought, “doesn’t come from a store.
Maybe Easter, perhaps, means a little bit more.”

And what happened then?
Well....the story’s not done.
What will YOU do?
Will you share with that one
Or two or more people needing hope in this night?
Will you share the source of your life in this fight?

The churches are empty - but so is the tomb,
And Jesus is victor over death, doom, and gloom.

So this year at Easter, let this be our prayer,
As the virus still rages all around, everywhere.

May the world see hope when it looks at God’s people.
May the world see the church is not a building or steeple.
May the world find Faith in Jesus’ death and resurrection,
May the world find Joy in a time of dejection.
May 2020 be known as the year of survival,
But not only that -
Let it start a revival.

Day 26- A Tale of Two Quarantines

So many times during all of this I have been reminded of the time I was on hospital bed rest before Rip was born.

For six weeks I was confined to one room (and really one bed, unless I was showering or said bed was being changed).

Obviously that quarantine would come to an end, one way or the other, and while this one will too the timing is less certain.

But there have been many similarities in my emotions during both of those times.

I am a big lover of both books and Jesus...but I found then and I find now I don't have the concentration for reading or really prayer. It's like my body is in this constant state of tension that can't be released.

I found that reading and prayer were my biggest sources of comfort in the aftermath of Rip's death, and I expect I will find myself there again in whatever "after" looks like this time.

The other lesson I learned when on bed rest was to enjoy the present.

I remember vividly- and listen, this happened while I was in the bathroom and I wish it hadn't but I was eight months pregnant and on bedrest, it was either going to be there or the bed- having this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. This feeling that no matter how things turned out, I was thankful for the time I had right in that moment and I would always be thankful for it.  I still am.

I am trying hard to remember that now. This time is scary and uncertain- and I really don't do well with that (who does?) but it can also be a gift. I can do things I know will ease my soul for the moment (long walks, watch Arrested Development, this time I can even drink wine!) and not worry too much about the things I am not doing or what will happen tomorrow.

Every day of my bedrest I wrote down what I ate and who came to visit in a little book with a bible verse on each page.

I thought about doing that now, but let's be honest- my visitor page would be pretty pathetic and my food diary would consist primarily of Doritos, Twizzlers and some wine. I did however look for a verse this morning. My favorite verse, Phil 4:8. I realized after the fact that is also today's date.

4.8.20

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil 4:8

Day 25

I've spent the best $50 of my life on a blow up "Candy Land" pool from Amazon. After a rough start to so-called spring break yesterday, this beautiful piece of plastic was delivered in the nick of time and the kids spent 6 hours floating in it today. Praise.

The next two weeks are supposed to be the worst yet in South Carolina. I feel like they've been saying that for the last two weeks but maybe I'm wrong. We officially went under a "stay at home" order today at five. Everyone's phones went off and scared the daylights out of a group of people whose nerves are already SHOT I tell you.

The alert read " GO HOME. STAY HOME. TRAVEL ONLY FOR WORK & ESSENTIAL. VIRUS SPREADING IN ALL SC COUNTIES."

I imagine everyone in the state's eyes collectively darting back and forth.

My Easter bunny costume did not arrive on time today, and it looks like it is supposed to rain on Sunday. I mean, grand scheme clearly not that big of a deal but I've learned I can (sort of) deal with quarantine but I don't deal well with quarantine in the rain. All bets are off quarantine in the rain on a major holiday I can't spend with my family and no bunny suit.

It is, however, Taco Tuesday and there is plenty of solace to be found in ground beef tacos and traditions that don't have to change.

Day 23

Day 23

This morning was Palm Sunday. I woke up all full of promise that I was going to bring the meaning of this day to my family and was in tears by 9 am when the kids were fighting and Parke had been in the bathroom for the last 45 minutes while I was begging everyone to come to “home Sunday school”.

They appeased me with a 12 minute video on Palm Sunday for kids before announcing it was way too long. Jesus be a spanking.

I tried to rally and make myself one of these palm crosses I am seeing all over social media. I took the little dog on a solo walk and ran into a friend of mine whose whole family is in Louisiana. Many of them are sick and possibly dying and she isn't sure if she can see them again. She sat there sobbing and I couldn’t do anything because we aren’t allowed to touch. This is really hard.

I made my palm cross. It looks pretty but I nearly lost my religion making it.

The rest of the afternoon I pretty much spent cleaning the house and listening to Bill Withers, “Lean on Me”, “Aint No Sunshine”...he died this week but I don’t think it was COVID related. 

Sam is really into the Lion Guard TV show and told me he would like to go on to heaven so he could meet Kion, the main character. So there’s that.

I’ve bought myself an adult-sized bunny suit to wear on Easter. Never let it be said I’m not trying.

We ended the night watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. In the top right corner it says “Taped in Feb 2020” I guess so people won’t get all worked up that Alphonso is high fiving the audience. I can’t help but wonder if any of us will ever give a high five again without feeling like we are committing a crime.

Quarantine- Day 22

Day 22

I ordered a carbon monoxide detector at 3 am this morning. I figured of all the things I cannot control right now, that’s one thing I can.

After that I went back to sleep until almost 7 am…that’s been one of the silver linings of all of this…this whole family lays about every morning until 7 or 8 am. The first few weeks I leapt out of bed and did the whole get dressed thing but honestly it just prolonged the day.

That’s a little dramatic. I am, embarrassingly so at times, for the most part enjoying this time with my family. Take away the whole killer virus and add in the ability to see extended family/friends and this life is sort of what I've spent the better part of my last few years praying for.

I am writing this listening to my children playing happily in the shower together. Gracie just asked Sam to grab her pajamas when he got out. I heard him yell “Gwacie, I got you a nightgown and undapants”.

It’s not all like that- every morning Sam asks, “Mama, what are we going to do today?”

And I have the overwhelming urge to say “What we do every day Pinky, take over the world”

But instead I try to make staying in our house and going on a bike ride for the 100000000 time sound exciting.

Today is Saturday so I went to my friend’s house for a social distancing happy hour. It was wonderful and I was a nervous wreck the whole time. That pretty much sums up this whole experience.

Oh and also, today I learned we are supposed to take off our shoes because if we are somewhere when someone with corona sneezes, and we walk in it and bring it in our homes we are all doomed. So there’s that.

If Its Meant To Be

I am doing a daily advent book this season, and the directive this morning was to share something that God is doing in your life right now.

The thing is, I know what God is doing in my life right now, I'm just not sure I like it.

God is asking me to trust Him.

You see, for a very long time now (well, since I had Sam), I've wanted another baby. My husband does not.

This is not me throwing Parke under the bus- he has very, very good reasons for not wanting another child. Ours has, obviously, not been an easy path to parenthood. Even after Rip, my pregnancies ranged from frightening to downright terrifying at times. Not to mention- kids are expensive (have you noticed??)

And to be honest, in my heart of hearts, I'm not even sure we should have another baby. We have two healthy children. I am healthy. We have such a good life. Why would I even think of rocking this boat?

And yet. Why won't the desire go away?

All of my life, I've wanted three children. And in the most heartbreaking way, I have them. What do you do when a prayer like this is answered...and it isn't?

You trust God. And it is so very hard.

Because His answer is going to be- Yes, Not Yet....or No. And there is a very real possibility that it is going to be "No".

And so, my prayer in this advent season is to trust God with my whole heart, and to lean not on my own understanding. I was praying about this the other day (wanting another baby, what if I do, what if I don't, and on and on) and very clearly I heard in my head "Seek first the kingdom of God".

I don't know what that means, other than to keep praying. So that's what I am trying to do.

There is a saying I love, and will likely butcher: "If its meant to be yours, it will not pass you by"

Key word is "if". The achiever in me hates "ifs". If I push long and hard enough, I can MAKE that if go away...but is that right? Is it right for my family? Is it God's will for my life? How will I know?

Advent is a season of hope, of waiting. I don't know what the answer to my question will be. I'm almost 40 (gulp) so there’s every chance it’s a no. Either way what I am being asked to do is to trust.

Its not easy...but if its meant to be.

In the meantime, I think I'll just buy myself a puppy.