Day 26- A Tale of Two Quarantines

So many times during all of this I have been reminded of the time I was on hospital bed rest before Rip was born.

For six weeks I was confined to one room (and really one bed, unless I was showering or said bed was being changed).

Obviously that quarantine would come to an end, one way or the other, and while this one will too the timing is less certain.

But there have been many similarities in my emotions during both of those times.

I am a big lover of both books and Jesus...but I found then and I find now I don't have the concentration for reading or really prayer. It's like my body is in this constant state of tension that can't be released.

I found that reading and prayer were my biggest sources of comfort in the aftermath of Rip's death, and I expect I will find myself there again in whatever "after" looks like this time.

The other lesson I learned when on bed rest was to enjoy the present.

I remember vividly- and listen, this happened while I was in the bathroom and I wish it hadn't but I was eight months pregnant and on bedrest, it was either going to be there or the bed- having this overwhelming feeling of gratitude. This feeling that no matter how things turned out, I was thankful for the time I had right in that moment and I would always be thankful for it.  I still am.

I am trying hard to remember that now. This time is scary and uncertain- and I really don't do well with that (who does?) but it can also be a gift. I can do things I know will ease my soul for the moment (long walks, watch Arrested Development, this time I can even drink wine!) and not worry too much about the things I am not doing or what will happen tomorrow.

Every day of my bedrest I wrote down what I ate and who came to visit in a little book with a bible verse on each page.

I thought about doing that now, but let's be honest- my visitor page would be pretty pathetic and my food diary would consist primarily of Doritos, Twizzlers and some wine. I did however look for a verse this morning. My favorite verse, Phil 4:8. I realized after the fact that is also today's date.

4.8.20

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Phil 4:8

Day 25

I've spent the best $50 of my life on a blow up "Candy Land" pool from Amazon. After a rough start to so-called spring break yesterday, this beautiful piece of plastic was delivered in the nick of time and the kids spent 6 hours floating in it today. Praise.

The next two weeks are supposed to be the worst yet in South Carolina. I feel like they've been saying that for the last two weeks but maybe I'm wrong. We officially went under a "stay at home" order today at five. Everyone's phones went off and scared the daylights out of a group of people whose nerves are already SHOT I tell you.

The alert read " GO HOME. STAY HOME. TRAVEL ONLY FOR WORK & ESSENTIAL. VIRUS SPREADING IN ALL SC COUNTIES."

I imagine everyone in the state's eyes collectively darting back and forth.

My Easter bunny costume did not arrive on time today, and it looks like it is supposed to rain on Sunday. I mean, grand scheme clearly not that big of a deal but I've learned I can (sort of) deal with quarantine but I don't deal well with quarantine in the rain. All bets are off quarantine in the rain on a major holiday I can't spend with my family and no bunny suit.

It is, however, Taco Tuesday and there is plenty of solace to be found in ground beef tacos and traditions that don't have to change.

Day 23

Day 23

This morning was Palm Sunday. I woke up all full of promise that I was going to bring the meaning of this day to my family and was in tears by 9 am when the kids were fighting and Parke had been in the bathroom for the last 45 minutes while I was begging everyone to come to “home Sunday school”.

They appeased me with a 12 minute video on Palm Sunday for kids before announcing it was way too long. Jesus be a spanking.

I tried to rally and make myself one of these palm crosses I am seeing all over social media. I took the little dog on a solo walk and ran into a friend of mine whose whole family is in Louisiana. Many of them are sick and possibly dying and she isn't sure if she can see them again. She sat there sobbing and I couldn’t do anything because we aren’t allowed to touch. This is really hard.

I made my palm cross. It looks pretty but I nearly lost my religion making it.

The rest of the afternoon I pretty much spent cleaning the house and listening to Bill Withers, “Lean on Me”, “Aint No Sunshine”...he died this week but I don’t think it was COVID related. 

Sam is really into the Lion Guard TV show and told me he would like to go on to heaven so he could meet Kion, the main character. So there’s that.

I’ve bought myself an adult-sized bunny suit to wear on Easter. Never let it be said I’m not trying.

We ended the night watching “America’s Funniest Home Videos”. In the top right corner it says “Taped in Feb 2020” I guess so people won’t get all worked up that Alphonso is high fiving the audience. I can’t help but wonder if any of us will ever give a high five again without feeling like we are committing a crime.

Quarantine- Day 22

Day 22

I ordered a carbon monoxide detector at 3 am this morning. I figured of all the things I cannot control right now, that’s one thing I can.

After that I went back to sleep until almost 7 am…that’s been one of the silver linings of all of this…this whole family lays about every morning until 7 or 8 am. The first few weeks I leapt out of bed and did the whole get dressed thing but honestly it just prolonged the day.

That’s a little dramatic. I am, embarrassingly so at times, for the most part enjoying this time with my family. Take away the whole killer virus and add in the ability to see extended family/friends and this life is sort of what I've spent the better part of my last few years praying for.

I am writing this listening to my children playing happily in the shower together. Gracie just asked Sam to grab her pajamas when he got out. I heard him yell “Gwacie, I got you a nightgown and undapants”.

It’s not all like that- every morning Sam asks, “Mama, what are we going to do today?”

And I have the overwhelming urge to say “What we do every day Pinky, take over the world”

But instead I try to make staying in our house and going on a bike ride for the 100000000 time sound exciting.

Today is Saturday so I went to my friend’s house for a social distancing happy hour. It was wonderful and I was a nervous wreck the whole time. That pretty much sums up this whole experience.

Oh and also, today I learned we are supposed to take off our shoes because if we are somewhere when someone with corona sneezes, and we walk in it and bring it in our homes we are all doomed. So there’s that.

If Its Meant To Be

I am doing a daily advent book this season, and the directive this morning was to share something that God is doing in your life right now.

The thing is, I know what God is doing in my life right now, I'm just not sure I like it.

God is asking me to trust Him.

You see, for a very long time now (well, since I had Sam), I've wanted another baby. My husband does not.

This is not me throwing Parke under the bus- he has very, very good reasons for not wanting another child. Ours has, obviously, not been an easy path to parenthood. Even after Rip, my pregnancies ranged from frightening to downright terrifying at times. Not to mention- kids are expensive (have you noticed??)

And to be honest, in my heart of hearts, I'm not even sure we should have another baby. We have two healthy children. I am healthy. We have such a good life. Why would I even think of rocking this boat?

And yet. Why won't the desire go away?

All of my life, I've wanted three children. And in the most heartbreaking way, I have them. What do you do when a prayer like this is answered...and it isn't?

You trust God. And it is so very hard.

Because His answer is going to be- Yes, Not Yet....or No. And there is a very real possibility that it is going to be "No".

And so, my prayer in this advent season is to trust God with my whole heart, and to lean not on my own understanding. I was praying about this the other day (wanting another baby, what if I do, what if I don't, and on and on) and very clearly I heard in my head "Seek first the kingdom of God".

I don't know what that means, other than to keep praying. So that's what I am trying to do.

There is a saying I love, and will likely butcher: "If its meant to be yours, it will not pass you by"

Key word is "if". The achiever in me hates "ifs". If I push long and hard enough, I can MAKE that if go away...but is that right? Is it right for my family? Is it God's will for my life? How will I know?

Advent is a season of hope, of waiting. I don't know what the answer to my question will be. I'm almost 40 (gulp) so there’s every chance it’s a no. Either way what I am being asked to do is to trust.

Its not easy...but if its meant to be.

In the meantime, I think I'll just buy myself a puppy.

I Believe

Believe: Feel sure of the truth of

I believe turquoise makes life happier
I believe you can question your faith and still be faithful
I believe in childhood
I believe in rainbows, four leaf clovers and heads up pennies
I believe in saying I love you and meaning it
I believe in miracles, but I wish there were more of them
I believe that holidays are special
I believe in the smell of a baby's head, even when that baby is five
I believe that everything looks better in the morning
I believe in sweating it out
I believe in champagne
I believe in pouring your heart out
I believe in girl's weekends
I believe in sticking it out
I believe nobody feels 100% all of the time
I believe looking bad never solved anything
I believe in books
I believe writing is the best therapy
I believe that trust is hard
I believe in prayers before bed
I believe God has heard my prayers
I believe that social media is bad, but I use it anyway
I believe in cleaning the house every day
I believe in unexpected laughter
I believe in daily phone calls with your mama
I believe in sisters
I believe in loving someone for life
I believe life is good, and bad, and good again
I believe in looking on the bright side
I believe sometimes its okay to take a time out
I believe salt water cures almost everything
I believe in hunting for shark's teeth and shells
I believe in travel
I believe in compliments
I believe in family recipes
I believe in home cooked meals, I just don't want to cook them
I believe in long walks
I believe it can be hard to stand up for yourself
I believe we get too caught up in being right
I believe in listening to both sides of the story
I believe I should stay away from WebMD
I believe we are losing touch with each other
I believe in crying in the shower
I believe in new outfits for special occasions
I believe in looking for the best in others
I believe in family
I believe sometimes we need to write down what we believe.

On Faith

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see- Hebrews 11:1

Faith can be a confusing thing. In order to "have faith", as Christians, we must hope and believe in a God who can, at least sometimes, seem very far away. I know I can't be the only one who has wondered why the Almightly doesn't just come on down and make Himself known-  you know, glowing lights and booming thunder and burning bushes? Old Testament Style. 

Being a Christian these days can be heavy. There are a lot of not so great connotations. And it would be A LOT easier (I mean, mainly on me) if Jesus would come along and be His great, loving self. I could just point to Him and be like- See! THIS is what I was talking about!! 

Or when non-believers look at you like you're crazy because CLEARLY science has it right and the Bible has it wrong? Wouldn't it be cool if God just opened the heavens and was all "Hey Guys! Alpha and Omega here".

But, yeah- faith. "Assurance of what we do not see"

And then there are the parts of faith that can be even harder to understand. I am, along with half of the internet, following the story of Eva Love. A seven year old girl who, due to a freak accident, is fighting for her life. A seven year old girl who has a younger brother and parents who love her..it hits very close to home.  Parents who did EVERYTHING RIGHT. Parents who are GOOD CHRISTIANS. It is very hard not so say why God?! Why not just heal this child and prove all of the doctors and naysayers wrong? 

And He might- I pray so hard that he does.

While Eva's parents are holding on to their faith by gasps and threads, tens of thousands of other believers are praying for their little girl. While her family is weak (and I mean this in the sense that their minds and bodies are exhausted; not in the least that they are weak people), these followers- by their faith- are strong.

It reminds of a quote by CS Lewis:

I believe in Christ as I believe that the sun has risen: not  because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.

There are tens of thousands of people praying for a little girl they've never met. Praying because they have faith. Hope for and assurance of what is not (yet) seen.

Maybe they have reason for their faith. Maybe they have two rainbow babies, brought to them by countless small miracles along the way. 11:11's, burning bushes- tomato, tomahto. 

Sometimes faith is hard. Most of the time faith is hard. But maybe it's not Christ Himself we need to see- maybe its just seeing Him in someone (everyone?) else.