Worth the Wait

I may have had to wait 18 months...three years...a lifetime, to hear it...

But it was sooooo worth the wait.

Ba-Ba and Gee-Gee forever.

(Also please excuse my nasty shoes and nasty bathroom)

For this child...

I prayed.

Holy or Human

I read a book this week that I would HIGHLY recommend.  It's called What Happy People Know by Dan Baker (Ph.D)...the author just so happened to have lost an infant son, which of course made it more relatable to me, but regardless the whole book was one of those where I had my pen out the whole time and ended up underlining half of every page.

There was one quote that got me good.

"Sometimes when our minds and bodies are shattered by life, it's only the spirit that can knit us whole and keep us alive."

As soon as I ready those words I got a huge lump in my throat and and had to blink back tears for the better part of a minute.  I just knew what he was talking about.

The other day, I was with my friend Sarah.  Sarah has been through more in the past few years than most people go through in a lifetime.  She lost her mom, lost her daughter, had another pregnancy loss...so the other day, when Sarah casually said, "I think I am a fairly resilient person", I busted out laughing.  I would say that is the understatement of the century.  Sarah has more spirit in her pinkie finger than some have in their whole bodies.  In fact, that is true of most of the Baby Loss Mamas that I've met.

The image that quote brought back to me was just a flash.  A flash of standing in the shower, water streaming down on a broken body with a baby no longer inside of it and no baby to hold on to.  A flash of a mind blank with grief.  A flash of a girl whose happy life had been shattered.  And yet, in that flash  there was a little curl of fight.  That little something that kept her holding on.  That told her it was time to start again.

Whether it be holy or human, thank God for the spirit.

A Gift

As time moves on, and I meet more and more new people, I find that telling them Rip's story becomes  a gift I can choose to give someone.

When I first moved into this phase of life, this phase where I wasn't so recently "that girl who", I felt unsettled.  I could have people in my life who would never know about my first born child-but if they didn't know him then they would never truly know me.

Recently, I've realized that this choice is a gift.  I get to choose who I allow to know the most precious parts of me.  Now, some of them may think, "hey-this is the worst gift ever, I would rather have an itchy sweater than this gift!", but that's okay, it just means we won't hang out and drink wine together, which is clearly their loss.

For the most part, I've waited until I was sure I wanted to bestow my gift on the new people in my life, and they have received him graciously.  They see the gift of Rip's life as what it has always been to me, something to be treasured and loved.

The Littlest Mama

Yesterday, while tidying up, I found evidence that the littlest mother in our home had put her baby down for a nap...

After calling the mom in question to the room, I suggested the kitty-baby may be more comfortable in a softer location.  She agreed.

But when it came down to it, this mama knew what all mamas know- there is nothing like snuggling that baby to sleep your very own self (even if that baby just so happens to be a kitty-cat).

If you have two loaves of bread...

If you have two loaves of bread, sell one and buy a lily- Chinese Proverb

After a particularly rough week,  I stopped by the local Trader Joe's and bought myself some beautiful hydrangeas for the kitchen table and these roses for my office...

Normally, I would not advocate voluntarily giving up food for anything but I think the Chinese might be on to something.

Here's to a little hot pink in the rest of your week.

Half of My Heart

Some people are real big about their "side"- you know, as in which side of the bed they sleep on.  I've never had a side, per se, I've just always had to be on whichever side of the bed is closest to the door.  Like, if there is an emergency I want to be able to escape first.

It's kind of a subconscious thing which I didn't fully realize was that big of a deal to me until I got married.  Luckily, Parke pretty much took it in stride that if something dire was to happen in the middle of the night I was basically going to high-tail it straight for the door and leave him there to fend for himself.  Every man and all that jazz. In fact, when we go on trips, he often sweetly points out that I will need to put my stuff in the drawers closest to the exit so I can make my great escape.

On the day of our wedding rehearsal, standing at the front of the church our minister was showing us where to stand.  I told him I was going to need to stand nearest to the door.  He looked more than a little alarmed but Parke just nodded like it was the most normal thing in the world.  He gets me.

Anyway, as I mentioned, this weekend we went away with friends for the Mother's Day weekend.  We set Gracie up in her whoever-thought-of-it-is-a-genius Pack n' Play and hours later I went to bed before Parke.  It was right before I drifted off that I realized that I was not sleeping beside the door.  I was sleeping on the side closest to Gracie.  In fact, any time we have been out of town, I've slept on the side where Gracie has been closest to me, door or no door.

I recently came across that quote again that I love so much, the one that says "Having children is like letting your heart walk around outside of your body".  I guess my subconscious knows that even in a middle of the night emergency we can't be running off without half of our heart.  Now evidently our husband on the other hand...only kidding, as long as he steps lively he can come too.