Thankful For... Photo Edition

Standing Up Again

As you probably already know, occasionally I worry that I sound a little too Pollyanna-ish (and to quote my friend Walker, "the only good part of that movie is when she falls out of the tree").

The night of the anniversary of Rip's passing away, I got the stomach flu.  For those that know me, you know this was a big deal.  I HATE to throw up.  Up until recently I was on a 19 year span of not getting sick once, and that included college.  My parents never even gave me the "don't drink to much" spiel because they knew I would never knowingly put myself in that position.

I can't remember if I've mentioned it before, but there is a Minnie Driver movie called Return to Me that has one line that always pops in my head during this type of situation,  As I found myself huddled on the bathroom floor the other night writhing around in misery, I pictured good old Minnie screaming at the top of her lungs "WHAT WAS GOD THINKING?!!"

But you know what the one good thing about having the stomach flu is?  Getting over the stomach flu.  Waking up the next day was pure bliss.  It was over, I could drink flat Sprite and eat saltines and watch bad daytime TV. Was it worth it?  Probably not...but sometimes you are just thankful to have made it to the other side.

Losing my child is nothing like having a 24 hour bug.  I wont ever "get over" losing Rip.  It's not something I can compare to anything else in my life.  But I am glad to have made it through these last two years.  I am glad to be where I am now instead of where I was November 19th, 2010. 

I try, and often fail, to stay positive.  I have more than my fair share of "What was God Thinking?" moments.   But once you've fallen out of the tree there are only so many options.

Mama

Today, exactly two years from the worst day of my life, my second born said "Mama" for the first time.

I know some people believe things like that are a happy coincidence and some people believe things like that are gifts from above (I'll let you guess which I am), but I think all mothers will agree that hearing those words from your child's lips are heavenly.

 I am so thankful for the life of the little boy who made me worthy of such a wonderful sound in the first place.  For his sake, and his sister's, I hope I always live up to the name.

Dear Gracie

Dear Gracie,

Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day that your big brother Rip went to live in Heaven.  I know that as you grow up, it might be a little confusing to you if Mama and Daddy seem sad around this time of year.

As your Mama, I want to be able to explain things to you so that you understand...but even though Mamas and Daddys know almost everything, there are still some things even we don't know the exact answers to.

You know who does know the answer to everything? God.  And you know who loves us more than anything in the world? God. And do you know who is taking care of your brother this very minute? God!

So one very important thing for you to know is that Rip is safe and sound up in Heaven and you are safe and sound right here with us.

But even though we know that God has Rip safe in Heaven, because we are his Mama and Daddy and would like to squeeze him to pieces like we squeeze you to pieces it makes us sad that he is not right here with us.  And that's okay too...it is always okay to be sad or cry about somebody very important to you...just remember that even with sad things there are still good and happy things in the world.

And do you know what my best and happiest thing in the world is?  You.  Gracie Louise Harris.  And do you know why?  Just because you are you...the Gracie Louisest Harris of them all.  If your Daddy and I could pick from any baby in the whole world, we would always pick you, Squeeze Louise.

So remember, even if sometimes we may seem a little sad, it will always be okay.  Because Mama and Daddy love you very,very much (and we know almost everything).

Love,
Your Mama

Thanks to You, Gracie Lou

Gracie Lou,

Last Friday, your Daddy and I took you to the hospital to have tubes put in your ears.

We knew that it was the very best thing to do, we knew that your poor little ears needed a break, we knew plenty of other kids who had the very same procedure and we knew it was no big deal...but you are our very own Gracie Lou who we love more than anything in the whole world...so we were the teensiest of nervous wrecks.

Daddy was worried about your not being able to eat all morning (because we all know you like your morning "baba's").

Mama was worried about telling you bye-bye when you went with the doctor (because Mama is terrible at bye-byes).

And we were both worried that you would be hurt or upset during or after your surgery (because we love you and never, ever want you to be hurt or upset).

Your surgery started late and by 11:00 in the morning you'd had not one thing to eat...and made not one complaint about it.

When the time came to say goodbye, you looked Mama right in the eye and gave her a little smile.

And when we finally got to you after it was all over, you sucked down a bottle, waved bye-bye to the nurses, and generally were the cutest thing to hit post-op.  Shortly thereafter, you laid your head on Daddy's shoulder and promptly went to sleep.

Your Daddy told you that you were the best baby in the whole world, and he was right.  You were so calm...and thanks to you, Gracie Lou, we were too.

Love,

Your still recovering Mama

Remembering Rip

I struggle with the "right" way to remember Rip.  At this point, we don't have any sort of race or charitable event in his name...maybe one day we will, but who knows.

So I was thinking last night about what I want Rip's legacy to be, especially during this week where his little life, however brief, changed us forever.

There are two things that came to mind...

If you are a mother (or father) of a living child, I ask you to hold that child a little closer and a little longer this week.  Not at all in a "because you never know" sort of way, as if as parents we aren't nervous wrecks enough as it is!

No, I ask you to do this because one of the wonderful gifts Rip gave me was the ability to do this more often with Gracie.  I know myself well enough to know that by nature I like to move quickly through life, eager to get to the next thing.  Rip's life taught me to savor every wonderful moment as a mother.  It isn't always easy to do, but to quote Jack Johnson, "when the whole world fits inside of your arms" it's worth taking a few extra minutes a day to realize it.

The second thing I ask you to do this week is, if you know a mama (or daddy) who has lost a child, take some time to say a prayer or send a good thought... or whatever it is you believe helps...her way.  Because her heart is breaking and she needs some extra love.  Pray for her peace.

Rip's life introduced me to many of these Mamas, some of the strongest, most incredible mamas in the world, so it is only fitting that they receive some extra love this week.

Remembering Rip with babies and mamas...it just seems right to me.

You Are Loved

Someone gave the the book Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You for Gracie when she was born, but every time we read it, I think of Rip.

Wherever You Are My Love Will Find You by Nancy Tillman

I wanted you more than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow wherever you go.

It's high as you wish it.  It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it...it stretches itself!

So climb any mountain...climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you.  My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

if you're working...

or playing...

or sitting with friends...

You can dance til your dizzy...

paint 'til your blue...

There's no place, not one, that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or if you strike out in baseball,
or you think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass...in the smell of the the sea...
in the clouds floating by...at the top of a tree...in the sound
that the crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved.  You are loved.  You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep, it's always right there, even when
you're asleep.

So hold your head high and don't be afraid
to march to the front of your own parade,

If you're still my small baby or you're
all the way grown, my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling, my star...
and my love will find you wherever you are.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Rip.  You are loved.  You are loved. You are loved.