As time goes on, my memories of two years ago seem to become both sharper and dull at the same time.
I remember more of what was going on, and that can be hard, but the pain isn't as intense.
One of the things I have been remembering, with a smile, is my "Summerville Family".
My mom's family is from Summerville, SC and like a lot of good southern families there are a lot of them, er, us.
Growing up, thanks to my dad's dark skin and eyes, my brothers (and later, sister) and I stood out like sore thumbs. I think we were literally the only brown-eyed kids in the bunch. Luckily, our blue-eyed cousins (or second cousins, or grand this or thats) forgave us our Upstate ways and we spent our trips to the Lowcountry eating spaghetti, hunting Easter eggs, jumping on trampolines, and playing in cow pastures...you know, normal stuff.
We all got older, some got married, saw each other at various weddings or (sadly) funerals or every other holiday...but the days roaming cow pastures as one happy herd were pretty much over.
And then we lost Rip. And those Summerville people came out of the woodwork.
My cousin Jennifer works in the PICU in the same hospital where Rip was taken after he got sick. Never have I been so glad to look up and see someone. She brought us everything we needed while we were there, including comfort and kind words. She didn't even flinch when my mom forced her to look at my c-section to make sure it wasn't infected...I know she is a nurse and all, but probably not what she was expecting when we were having spend the night parties in our windsuits and perms back in the day.
My cousin Jamie reached out time and time again, letting me know every time she saw a rainbow once I got pregnant with Gracie. She and her husband were the first people to come visit us when Gracie was born, I felt like she deserved part of the credit for getting her here safely.
And that's just two of the twenty or thirty who called, hugged, wrote, prayed and just down right loved us through a terrible time.
That Summerville family, they know how to throw in when it counts. I hope that as we get older, we can show this next generation how important it is to have that kind of family...brown eyes or blue.
Thankful for all of the family who has been there for us these past two years.
Friday, November 2, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
Welcome Back, Old Friend
* Apologies ahead of time for the stream of consciousness post, just some thoughts that have been bouncing around in my head these past few days
November, three years ago and all years prior, has always been my favorite month of the year. Mainly because it is my birthday month...that's right I said birthday month. I've never been one to shy away from the fact that I like my birthday to be a celebration, preferably one that goes on for many days and culminates in some hectic day after Thanksgiving shopping.
More than that though, November is just a great time of year. Cool weather, football (not that I really watch, but the tailgating is fun), Thanksgiving, great food, great family and friends, Christmas right around the corner... and did I mention my birthday?
Of course, two years ago in November my world was turned upside down. We had and lost Rip and I thought well to hell with November.
I remember being on a walk with a friend when I was pregnant with Rip, before things got scary, and saying how I had this weird feeling this baby was going to be like me. How we would have other babies that were a mix of Parke and me (which Gracie totally is) or more like Parke, but this baby just felt connected to me.
And it was true, I had mother's intuition with Rip like nothing I have experienced since. I knew just how to touch him, just how to comfort him...I can't explain it, I just knew things. With Gracie everything is trial and error, I learn her little ways and we get through each milestone together. But we have the rest of our lives to figure one another out. With Rip I had seven days, and I believe God gave me the very necessary ability to provide the comfort he needed in those days.
I read two things after Rip died that brought me some comfort. One I think I wrote about here, that a child who is lost is somehow still with you in ways that a living child cannot be. And (I know, small consolation most of the time) I believe it to be true...whether it be in an 11-11 or feeling his little presence when I need it most, I feel my son with me most of the time. The other was some study that said after you have a baby, you always carry some of his or her DNA in your body. It's a (small) comfort to think that part of Rip is always physically with me as well.
Last night we went to a Halloween bash, Gracie's first. It was great, the girl loves a good holiday celebration and had eaten Lord knows how many cupcakes at school that day (apple doesn't fall far from the tree). The whole day was so fun. There were a few off-handed comments about "wait until you have two (kids)" and things along those lines from people who didn't know us. The thing is, those comments really don't bother me. I just hate that I don't get to show off my other baby too.
I don't know what it is like to have two kids or more that I have to get ready for school in the morning, and I can only imagine how stressful that is...it takes both Parke and me to hold down Miss Priss and wrestle her into an outfit. But I do know what it is like to hold two little people in my heart. I think about both of my children constantly, just like everyone else. I think that is what makes it hard when one isn't there for everyone to see, it's like a huge part of you is hidden away.
This morning I went to see my neurologist, who I now see only every two years for migraines. The last time I saw him was shortly after Rip died when he got the award for "best response ever" when he sat on the floor and cried with me when he heard the news. This time he hesitantly asked how things were going and burst into a HUGE smile when I whipped out Gracie pics. While flipping through the (roughly) 500 pictures I had on my phone he said, " I know the pain won't ever go away, but I am just so glad you have joy in your life again."
And there it is. Nothing will ever take away the pain of losing Rip. But I have JOY in my life again. Yesterday, Halloween, was fun. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Gracie's Birthday, *My Birthday*...they will be fun this year. Even Rip's birthday is a cause for joy. These are joyous occasions. Joyous occasions that I truly thought were a thing of the past two years ago.
While walking to the elevator from the doctor's office this morning, I had a flash of deja vu. I feeling of what I always think of as "God Arms". Just a peaceful feeling I've associated with God kind of hugging you close. I remember the exact feeling leaving that office a little over two years ago, broken and joy stripped but with the smallest stirrings of hope. This morning I felt God's Arms around me, clearly remembering that broken girl and hugging me close.
Stepping out into the cool November air felt wonderful. Oh, November. Welcome back, old friend.
November, three years ago and all years prior, has always been my favorite month of the year. Mainly because it is my birthday month...that's right I said birthday month. I've never been one to shy away from the fact that I like my birthday to be a celebration, preferably one that goes on for many days and culminates in some hectic day after Thanksgiving shopping.
More than that though, November is just a great time of year. Cool weather, football (not that I really watch, but the tailgating is fun), Thanksgiving, great food, great family and friends, Christmas right around the corner... and did I mention my birthday?
Of course, two years ago in November my world was turned upside down. We had and lost Rip and I thought well to hell with November.
I remember being on a walk with a friend when I was pregnant with Rip, before things got scary, and saying how I had this weird feeling this baby was going to be like me. How we would have other babies that were a mix of Parke and me (which Gracie totally is) or more like Parke, but this baby just felt connected to me.
And it was true, I had mother's intuition with Rip like nothing I have experienced since. I knew just how to touch him, just how to comfort him...I can't explain it, I just knew things. With Gracie everything is trial and error, I learn her little ways and we get through each milestone together. But we have the rest of our lives to figure one another out. With Rip I had seven days, and I believe God gave me the very necessary ability to provide the comfort he needed in those days.
I read two things after Rip died that brought me some comfort. One I think I wrote about here, that a child who is lost is somehow still with you in ways that a living child cannot be. And (I know, small consolation most of the time) I believe it to be true...whether it be in an 11-11 or feeling his little presence when I need it most, I feel my son with me most of the time. The other was some study that said after you have a baby, you always carry some of his or her DNA in your body. It's a (small) comfort to think that part of Rip is always physically with me as well.
Last night we went to a Halloween bash, Gracie's first. It was great, the girl loves a good holiday celebration and had eaten Lord knows how many cupcakes at school that day (apple doesn't fall far from the tree). The whole day was so fun. There were a few off-handed comments about "wait until you have two (kids)" and things along those lines from people who didn't know us. The thing is, those comments really don't bother me. I just hate that I don't get to show off my other baby too.
I don't know what it is like to have two kids or more that I have to get ready for school in the morning, and I can only imagine how stressful that is...it takes both Parke and me to hold down Miss Priss and wrestle her into an outfit. But I do know what it is like to hold two little people in my heart. I think about both of my children constantly, just like everyone else. I think that is what makes it hard when one isn't there for everyone to see, it's like a huge part of you is hidden away.
This morning I went to see my neurologist, who I now see only every two years for migraines. The last time I saw him was shortly after Rip died when he got the award for "best response ever" when he sat on the floor and cried with me when he heard the news. This time he hesitantly asked how things were going and burst into a HUGE smile when I whipped out Gracie pics. While flipping through the (roughly) 500 pictures I had on my phone he said, " I know the pain won't ever go away, but I am just so glad you have joy in your life again."
And there it is. Nothing will ever take away the pain of losing Rip. But I have JOY in my life again. Yesterday, Halloween, was fun. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Gracie's Birthday, *My Birthday*...they will be fun this year. Even Rip's birthday is a cause for joy. These are joyous occasions. Joyous occasions that I truly thought were a thing of the past two years ago.
While walking to the elevator from the doctor's office this morning, I had a flash of deja vu. I feeling of what I always think of as "God Arms". Just a peaceful feeling I've associated with God kind of hugging you close. I remember the exact feeling leaving that office a little over two years ago, broken and joy stripped but with the smallest stirrings of hope. This morning I felt God's Arms around me, clearly remembering that broken girl and hugging me close.
Stepping out into the cool November air felt wonderful. Oh, November. Welcome back, old friend.
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Three Little Pumpkins
Well, technically, one little Pumpkin, one little Pirate, and one little Duck...
Happy Halloween Y'all!
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Oh Happy Day!
Lawdamercy! I can breath again!!
After 21 days of feeling like my head was going to bust wide open every time I bent over, the wretchedness has passed. My apologies go out to anybody who crossed my path over the last three weeks. I know I tried to throw everyone off with the whole putting on a happy face deal last week, but I am completely aware that I have been a real pain in the you know where to deal with these past three weeks.
Whew! Good thing I am such a joy to be around the rest of the time. (Ha. Ha. Ha.)
Other things making me smile today...
-Starbucks hot chocolate in a festive holiday cup
-The fact that it is almost time to legitimately listen to holiday music (what I consider the legitimate time to listen to holiday music is probably about a month sooner than most of the listening public, but c'mon people, it's the most wonderful time of the year for a reason)
- This kid, who is celebrating "Spirit" week at school. Honestly. Today is "Wild and Wacky" day (hence the crazy tights etc.) Tomorrow she has to be a farmer. I am trying to decide if I can scrape her hair back into teeny tiny pigtails.
After 21 days of feeling like my head was going to bust wide open every time I bent over, the wretchedness has passed. My apologies go out to anybody who crossed my path over the last three weeks. I know I tried to throw everyone off with the whole putting on a happy face deal last week, but I am completely aware that I have been a real pain in the you know where to deal with these past three weeks.
Whew! Good thing I am such a joy to be around the rest of the time. (Ha. Ha. Ha.)
Other things making me smile today...
-Starbucks hot chocolate in a festive holiday cup
-The fact that it is almost time to legitimately listen to holiday music (what I consider the legitimate time to listen to holiday music is probably about a month sooner than most of the listening public, but c'mon people, it's the most wonderful time of the year for a reason)
- This kid, who is celebrating "Spirit" week at school. Honestly. Today is "Wild and Wacky" day (hence the crazy tights etc.) Tomorrow she has to be a farmer. I am trying to decide if I can scrape her hair back into teeny tiny pigtails.
She's Wacky, She's Wild!
- Halloween. Last night we carved our pumpkins. Correction- Parke carved our pumpkins and Gracie and I watched. Gracie is having a "Halloween party" tonight (i.e. Some of our friends in the neighborhood are bringing their babies over so we can take pictures of the kids in their costumes, hopefully before one or all of them has a meltdown). This time last year, while I was full of Gracie and hope, I still wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to take part in the magic of having kids at the holidays...this year I am taking full advantage.
SUPER BABY (and Daddy)
- The cooler weather. Normally, I am a tan-loving, beach-going girl. But this year I didn't get much beach time in (for a well worth it reason), so this sweater weather goes much better with my vaguely green complexion. Also, wind blown = rosy cheeks= homemade blush.
- Did I mention that I feel better? Seriously, I am a terrible sick person. It makes me weepy, and I hate being weepy. Just glad to feel like pale, tacky child toting, holiday lovin' me again.
Oh Happy Day!
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Put on a Happy Face
I admit, I've been having a little pity party the past week or so.
A combination of a tough time of year, a two week cold, a baby with an ear infection, a bunch of rejection letters, and a bit of an identity crisis pity party.
So where do you turn during such a time? Well, yeah, I mean first and best answer-God, the Bible, etc. Let's just say that's a given.
But recently my second favorite place for a pick-me-up...Pinterest.
So without further ado, wisdom from the fabulous world of Pinterest, based on a board I've named "Put on a Happy Face"
"Just because something isn't happening for your right now doesn't mean that it will never happen"
"Keep your head, heels, and standards high"
"Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be."
"People who love to eat are always the best people"
"You're prettiest when you're happy"
"Keep calm and WRITE something"
"REALLY GOOD STUFF IS COMING"
"You're a human being you live once and life is wonderful so eat the damn red velvet cupcake" Emma Stone
"I've seen miracle just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new...that's what faith can do"
"The stronger you are the better you feel"
"All they can say is no or hell no"
"Nothing worth having comes easy"
"She believed she could so she did"
"I'm not bossy I just know what you should be doing"
"It always seems impossible until it is done"
"Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing"
"Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"
"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together" Elizabeth Taylor
My face feels happier already!!
A combination of a tough time of year, a two week cold, a baby with an ear infection, a bunch of rejection letters, and a bit of an identity crisis pity party.
So where do you turn during such a time? Well, yeah, I mean first and best answer-God, the Bible, etc. Let's just say that's a given.
But recently my second favorite place for a pick-me-up...Pinterest.
So without further ado, wisdom from the fabulous world of Pinterest, based on a board I've named "Put on a Happy Face"
"Just because something isn't happening for your right now doesn't mean that it will never happen"
"Keep your head, heels, and standards high"
"Your children will become who you are; so be who you want them to be."
"People who love to eat are always the best people"
"You're prettiest when you're happy"
"Keep calm and WRITE something"
"REALLY GOOD STUFF IS COMING"
"You're a human being you live once and life is wonderful so eat the damn red velvet cupcake" Emma Stone
"I've seen miracle just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new...that's what faith can do"
"The stronger you are the better you feel"
"All they can say is no or hell no"
"Nothing worth having comes easy"
"She believed she could so she did"
"I'm not bossy I just know what you should be doing"
"It always seems impossible until it is done"
"Faith in God includes Faith in His Timing"
"Have you prayed about it as much as you've talked about it?"
"Pour yourself a drink, put on some lipstick and pull yourself together" Elizabeth Taylor
My face feels happier already!!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
She's Gonna Be Just Fine
As a Mama, I think you always worry about how your child is going to turn out. All of the sudden you are given this little person and tasked with making sure that they know how to make it through all of life's ups and downs...I mean, sometimes I am not even really confident distinguishing my right from my left so this is a daunting task to say the least.
The other morning, Gracie played her first joke on me. Keep in mind, she is nine months old so it is not like this is something that will have you rolling on the floor, but I was so proud and most of all relieved.
Every morning when I pick the girl out of her crib, I lean my face very close to hers and she gets a big kick out of it and we laugh and move on to other important things (like her first "ba ba" of the day). That morning I was mindlessly fixing said bottle when I noticed I tiny little head making its way towards mine. She leaned in close, touched my forehead, and threw her head back and laughed and laughed. The look on her face made me laugh out loud, she was just so pleased to have sneaked up on me.
I was just so pleased to see my baby had a sense of humor. See, I can and will try as hard as I can to teach Gracie what is important about life. I will teach her to trust God and her faith. I will teach her to count on her family, that her Daddy and I will always love her no matter what. I will teach her to find good friends and hold on to them, they will be there when she needs them most. But I am not sure that you can teach someone to have a sense of humor...and I honestly don't know what you do without it.
Even on the very worst days of my life, I have laughed and those laughs have fed my soul. I am not sure that on those days I could have seen the purpose of life without laughter.
So, seeing that baby girl with her head thrown back and a twinkle in her eye, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. She may not always be able to tell her right from her left, but she's gonna be just fine.
The other morning, Gracie played her first joke on me. Keep in mind, she is nine months old so it is not like this is something that will have you rolling on the floor, but I was so proud and most of all relieved.
Every morning when I pick the girl out of her crib, I lean my face very close to hers and she gets a big kick out of it and we laugh and move on to other important things (like her first "ba ba" of the day). That morning I was mindlessly fixing said bottle when I noticed I tiny little head making its way towards mine. She leaned in close, touched my forehead, and threw her head back and laughed and laughed. The look on her face made me laugh out loud, she was just so pleased to have sneaked up on me.
I was just so pleased to see my baby had a sense of humor. See, I can and will try as hard as I can to teach Gracie what is important about life. I will teach her to trust God and her faith. I will teach her to count on her family, that her Daddy and I will always love her no matter what. I will teach her to find good friends and hold on to them, they will be there when she needs them most. But I am not sure that you can teach someone to have a sense of humor...and I honestly don't know what you do without it.
Even on the very worst days of my life, I have laughed and those laughs have fed my soul. I am not sure that on those days I could have seen the purpose of life without laughter.
So, seeing that baby girl with her head thrown back and a twinkle in her eye, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. She may not always be able to tell her right from her left, but she's gonna be just fine.
My little jokester
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