Okay, I admit it...I watch Keeping Up with the Kardashians. I should be more ashamed, but I'm not. Furthermore, my favorite Kardashian is Khloe. Do I want them to be role models for my daughter, no. Do I enjoy them on a Sunday afternoon while I fold laundry, yes.
So, anyone familiar with the family K knows that it is their tradition to go around the table and list the peaks and pits of their day...incidentally, this is one of the reasons I like them, as this is also a tradition my family had growing up (although our similarities to the Kardashians pretty much end there).
I've been having some writer's block lately, I think there is just so much going on inside my head that I can't seem to get anything out. I decided maybe the peaks and pits thing might be a good way for me to get my thoughts organized.
Peaks:
Obviously, Gracie. Gracie, Gracie, Gracie. Which is a peak so huge it is practically a mountain! But,we also recently got the opportunity to move. We are supposed to go September 1st, and this move is something we have been wanting for a long time...which leads us to...
Pits:
The dangblasted house we live in now. Don't get me wrong, it's a great house (seriously, want to buy or rent it?!!?) It truly is a cute house, but we need more space, like yesterday. If something doesn't happen before September,we might not get to move and well, that makes me want to say things not fit for this blog.
My other pit is kind of hard to put into words. You know that story about putting golf balls, pebbles, and sand in a jar, where the golf balls are what's important and the sand is the small stuff blahdy blahdy blahdy (no? well, here you go...http://www.biz.colostate.edu/MTI/TeachingTips/Inspirational_Materials_Related_to_Education/MaynonnaiseJarTwoBeers.aspx)
Anyway, I feel like I am getting bogged down in the sand. Do you ever feel like there is something you are supposed to be doing, and you aren't? I guess that's where I am right now.
So, there you have it...my peaks and my pits. Khloe would be so proud.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Wednesday, July 11, 2012
It's the Knowing
Being a new Mama, you worry....a lot. I saw a quote the other day, I am sure most everyone has seen it because it is all over Pinterest (also known as "where did the last four hours of my life go"), it says...
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body" Elizabeth Stone
And how true that is. Today there was a huge thunderstorm, we're talking really big. I sat and watched seven fire trucks whip by me and immediately began to panic...so much so that I made Parke ride by Gracie's daycare to make sure it wasn't on fire.
This kind of thing happens and people will say something like, "well, that is just being a mother", and I know that's true, just see the quote above. But I have to wonder, how much of it is also being a mother who lost a child?
I think the difference is the knowing. Not just the worrying about "what if" something happened, but the knowing what it would feel like if it did. It adds a layer to being a mother, not always a bad layer. I know for certain that I take greater joy in Gracie's every breath because Rip also breathed. But yes also an extra layer of fear and worry.
So as always, you take the good with the bad, you can't have one without the other. Half of my heart in heaven, the other half right here on earth. Right now my earthly half, part of my good, is probably sucking down her last "ba ba" and waiting on her Mama to come give her some squeezes. Yes please.
"Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside of your body" Elizabeth Stone
And how true that is. Today there was a huge thunderstorm, we're talking really big. I sat and watched seven fire trucks whip by me and immediately began to panic...so much so that I made Parke ride by Gracie's daycare to make sure it wasn't on fire.
This kind of thing happens and people will say something like, "well, that is just being a mother", and I know that's true, just see the quote above. But I have to wonder, how much of it is also being a mother who lost a child?
I think the difference is the knowing. Not just the worrying about "what if" something happened, but the knowing what it would feel like if it did. It adds a layer to being a mother, not always a bad layer. I know for certain that I take greater joy in Gracie's every breath because Rip also breathed. But yes also an extra layer of fear and worry.
So as always, you take the good with the bad, you can't have one without the other. Half of my heart in heaven, the other half right here on earth. Right now my earthly half, part of my good, is probably sucking down her last "ba ba" and waiting on her Mama to come give her some squeezes. Yes please.
Monday, July 9, 2012
Spoiled...Just Another Word for Popular
Last weekend (after the Great Stomach Bug of 2012), Parke and I headed to Greenville to see The Lion King with my entire family. The show was GREAT, but it was the first time Gracie was left with a babysitter that was not a part of her family and was not one of her "teachers" from school. When we got home, the sweet babysitter (who has been keeping children, my sister included) for 24 years informed us that "somebody" had been spoiling this baby. Apparently, Gracie demanded to be held the entire time we were gone. Later, when Parke and I were slightly worried about this possible spoiling of our child, my mom assured us that spoiled was actually just another word for popular...makes total sense, don't you think??
The whole fam, post-show...I somehow managed to get a whole wad of gum stuck to the front of my dress after intermission, which is why I look a little sheepish
Spoiled?! I really have no idea what you are talking about.
Just a really popular kid
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
You might be a redneck if...
(Apparently the heat got the best of Dock in the first picture as well)
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
What Goes In Must Come Out
For those in the know, you will be very glad to hear, with a title like that, this is NOT a post about how the entire family is recovering from the stomach bug...although, let me just say, the past few days have been motherhood trial by fire. I passed...but just barely!
This is more about what has been going on inside my head these days. Last week was, for whatever reason, a week where I was teary. I give myself a hard time about that, about being sad. But we lost Rip a little over a year and a half ago. I try to think about what my reaction would have been before I was this girl to hearing that someone else had lost a child a year and a half ago, and I am sure I would be horrified and wondering how they were still dragging themselves around! People who hear about me as "the girl who" probably feel the same way (although, if you are going to talk about me behind my back, you may also want to mention that I know everything there is to know about Great White Sharks, just to add a little dimension).
Before we lost Rip, I always expected good. I've noticed some of that slipping away and I don't like it. I hear sad stories on the news or in passing and they shake me to the core. I find myself questioning God, not really that He is, but how all of this bad can keep happening. I know there are answers, a fallen world, a plan we don't understand...but that's hard to remember sometimes.
It takes me really coming back to God, to prayer, to get my head on straight again. And I truly do feel peace...I will be very honest, without my faith I have nothing. No hope of my child in heaven and no hope for the prayers I whisper daily for my child on earth. I believe, with all of my heart, but it isn't always easy.
So what to do about the negativity I have found slipping in to my old "glass half full" self...
I said after Rip died that I was still the same person, the same Anne "with an e" girl that I was before, and that is partially true. But you can't go through something life changing without being well...changed.
I said I wanted my life to be a celebration of Rip's life.
And, maybe most importantly, I said I wanted to be the same mother to Gracie that I would have been two years ago...but, I think that is not true either...I want to be better.
The closest I can come to answering any of this is my favorite Bible verse from childhood, I found it when I was about ten and worried about one thing or another (my poor parents) and used it many times since...
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
I think the problem I've been having is that I have forgotten to think about such things. I'm not talking about burying my head in the sand, not acknowledging anything painful or sad...but remembering the good that comes with the bad. Realizing that bad things happen, but not to the exclusion of expecting good.
What goes in, must come out...what I put in my mind on a daily basis, the thoughts I choose to concentrate on (and most of the time, at least now, it is a choice) if those are pure, lovely thoughts...maybe that glass will start to fill itself up again (maybe even a little over half full, that is certainly how I like my wine glass anyway!) And maybe all of those things I want for my life, my little Anne "with an e" who celebrates her firstborn and rocks mama-hood for her second, life...those things will be just as lovely and excellent.
This is more about what has been going on inside my head these days. Last week was, for whatever reason, a week where I was teary. I give myself a hard time about that, about being sad. But we lost Rip a little over a year and a half ago. I try to think about what my reaction would have been before I was this girl to hearing that someone else had lost a child a year and a half ago, and I am sure I would be horrified and wondering how they were still dragging themselves around! People who hear about me as "the girl who" probably feel the same way (although, if you are going to talk about me behind my back, you may also want to mention that I know everything there is to know about Great White Sharks, just to add a little dimension).
Before we lost Rip, I always expected good. I've noticed some of that slipping away and I don't like it. I hear sad stories on the news or in passing and they shake me to the core. I find myself questioning God, not really that He is, but how all of this bad can keep happening. I know there are answers, a fallen world, a plan we don't understand...but that's hard to remember sometimes.
It takes me really coming back to God, to prayer, to get my head on straight again. And I truly do feel peace...I will be very honest, without my faith I have nothing. No hope of my child in heaven and no hope for the prayers I whisper daily for my child on earth. I believe, with all of my heart, but it isn't always easy.
So what to do about the negativity I have found slipping in to my old "glass half full" self...
I said after Rip died that I was still the same person, the same Anne "with an e" girl that I was before, and that is partially true. But you can't go through something life changing without being well...changed.
I said I wanted my life to be a celebration of Rip's life.
And, maybe most importantly, I said I wanted to be the same mother to Gracie that I would have been two years ago...but, I think that is not true either...I want to be better.
The closest I can come to answering any of this is my favorite Bible verse from childhood, I found it when I was about ten and worried about one thing or another (my poor parents) and used it many times since...
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
Philippians 4:8
I think the problem I've been having is that I have forgotten to think about such things. I'm not talking about burying my head in the sand, not acknowledging anything painful or sad...but remembering the good that comes with the bad. Realizing that bad things happen, but not to the exclusion of expecting good.
What goes in, must come out...what I put in my mind on a daily basis, the thoughts I choose to concentrate on (and most of the time, at least now, it is a choice) if those are pure, lovely thoughts...maybe that glass will start to fill itself up again (maybe even a little over half full, that is certainly how I like my wine glass anyway!) And maybe all of those things I want for my life, my little Anne "with an e" who celebrates her firstborn and rocks mama-hood for her second, life...those things will be just as lovely and excellent.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
In This Minute
I have been dreading and worrying (and worrying) and praying and down right obsessing over something for the past couple of weeks.
Yesterday, at daycare, Gracie held her bottle by herself for the first time.
These things seemed completely unrelated until last night when I was putting Gracie to bed. I was giving her a bottle and rocking and fretting and fuming away, when a phrase popped in to my head, "Be in this minute".
So I took myself out of my head and brought myself back to this minute. This minute is where I get to give my baby girl a bottle before she gets too big and sassy and wants to do it herself, where I can just listen to her hungry little suck-suck-suck noises gradually slow and become lazy as she drifts off to sleep. This minute is where I watch her pudgy little fingers rub the sleeve of her pink owl pajamas (something I used to call "collecting soft" as a kid). This minute, all I really have to think about is how impossibly long my baby's eyelashes are and how anybody can have such a perfect little tiny nose.
I don't know what the outcome will be to my worries, I would like to believe "it all works out in the end", but sometimes that is hard to do when you aren't at the end. But what I am trying really hard to remember is that this minute is just that...a minute. I flash of time that will be gone before I know it. So, regardless of anything else, I need to enjoy being in this minute.
Yesterday, at daycare, Gracie held her bottle by herself for the first time.
These things seemed completely unrelated until last night when I was putting Gracie to bed. I was giving her a bottle and rocking and fretting and fuming away, when a phrase popped in to my head, "Be in this minute".
So I took myself out of my head and brought myself back to this minute. This minute is where I get to give my baby girl a bottle before she gets too big and sassy and wants to do it herself, where I can just listen to her hungry little suck-suck-suck noises gradually slow and become lazy as she drifts off to sleep. This minute is where I watch her pudgy little fingers rub the sleeve of her pink owl pajamas (something I used to call "collecting soft" as a kid). This minute, all I really have to think about is how impossibly long my baby's eyelashes are and how anybody can have such a perfect little tiny nose.
I don't know what the outcome will be to my worries, I would like to believe "it all works out in the end", but sometimes that is hard to do when you aren't at the end. But what I am trying really hard to remember is that this minute is just that...a minute. I flash of time that will be gone before I know it. So, regardless of anything else, I need to enjoy being in this minute.
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Happy Father's Day Parke Harris!
My intention was to do a sappy Father's Day post to Parke, about how much he deserves this day, about what a wonderful father he is and has been to both of our children, about how proud I am that I picked him to be the Daddy...
And then last night, I went to run a few errands. By the time I got home, about 45 minutes after I left my smocked dress/ bow wearing princess of a child, this is what I found in my front yard...
And I realized that is what a good Daddy really is...someone who takes you outside in your diaper and socks, lets you get aways with all the things your Mama never lets you do (by the way, I love Gracie's face in this picture..."uh oh Daddy, she's back!")
So Happy Father's Day Parke Harris, We love you!!! To many, many more years of getting away with stuff when I'm not around.
And then last night, I went to run a few errands. By the time I got home, about 45 minutes after I left my smocked dress/ bow wearing princess of a child, this is what I found in my front yard...
So Happy Father's Day Parke Harris, We love you!!! To many, many more years of getting away with stuff when I'm not around.
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