What a beautiful mess

Today some work colleagues and I were talking about a girl we know and what kind of guy she was looking for...tall, funny and willing to travel.  To which I said, "until she falls in love with a short, serious homebody"

Because isn't that the way life is? You plan and you plan and you watch all of those plans go right out the window.

Sometimes it is heartbreaking.  All those plans I made to bring my firstborn home...and poof, gone.

Sometimes it is better than you could have ever imagined.  All those fears I had that my second born would never come home...and every night I get to rock her to sleep.

I love to tell God what to do.  I have to laugh when I look back at some of the prayers I've written down over the years...they often start with, "I know you have a plan and you are in control BUT..." and then I go on and tell Him how I think things could be done better.

Life can be really hard and unfair.  There have been times where I have been left wondering what the heck we are all doing here.  And then there are those happiest of times, the times that you wish you could put your arms around and squeeze like one of those big stuffed animals nobody ever wins at the fair.  And somehow it all kind of comes together and makes you...you.

Someday I hope I learn to let go, to stop trying to control everything and everyone around me...but I think that is probably unlikely, it's just not who I am. What I have learned is that not everything in this world is good, some things are just no good messes no matter how you try to dress them up.

But oh gosh are there ever some wonderful, beautiful things behind all that mess.

Let's Hear it for the Boys

I write a lot about my family on this blog, but there are three members that don't get nearly enough shout outs..."the boys" (minus Parke...who will get his own special Father's Day post soon enough) include my Dad (better known as Daddy, or Pop to his granddaughter) and my two brothers, Will and Tee.

I lucked up big time in the Dad department. Picture a mix of Steve Martin a la Father of the Bride with a pinch of Clark Griswold and a dash of Andy Taylor.  If you ever see him running around without a shirt on it is probably because he has literally given someone the shirt off his back.  We don't call him Dudley (as in Do Right) for nothing.  He is a man who loves to breathe salt air and played endless hours of "bucking bronco" with his children, even after a long days work.  Gracie loves her Pop and it will only be a matter of time before she is holding on to his hair and screaming with glee while she rides wildly all over the living room.

"Uncle" Will is what I like to call sneaky sweet.  He spent a majority of our childhood "frogging" me in the arm and racing me to the car for front seat privileges.  While he is still known to throw a sly frog or two, he will also on occasion buy my lunch, load my iPod with "cool" music, drive my pregnant behind to and from Greenville, and compliment his niece.  Sneaky Sweet.  It is common knowledge within my family that one day this brother will be a millionaire and I can only hope he will find a job for his older sister (may I suggest "Fashion Consultant/Wine and Chocolate Taster")

"Uncle" Tee is the good child.  The child that makes the rest of us look bad.  He just finished a stint for Teach for America, is headed to law school in the fall, and has been known to go the soup kitchen in his spare time.  The rest of us pretty much accept the fact that we will never be this good, and it would all be rather annoying if Tee wasn't one of the funniest people I know.  His one liners are legendary. Nice with a good sense of humor...what's not to like? Seeing my 6'8" brother with my teeny tot of a daughter is pretty entertaining, Gracie's face as she looks up (and up) at her Uncle Tee is priceless.

So there you have it, my unsung heroes. Not a bad looking bunch either! Let's hear it for the boys!

Ask, Seek, Knock

A couple of weeks ago, when I wrote this post about Baby Grace Frick, I had not met her beautiful Mama, Sarah.  Now I have.

Sarah is me, or was me, eighteen months ago.  Sarah is a mama without a baby.  Sarah misses her girl.  Sarah wants a baby so badly she can hardly breathe.

When I met Sarah I wanted to physically pick her up and carry her through time to that place where she could have a baby in her arms.  Because even though we all know (say it with me now) having a baby does not replace the irreplaceable, that one and only child you miss so much...losing a child does not change that desire to hold your baby in your arms, it only makes it stronger.

So this morning when I got a group email from Sarah with prayer requests, I had a flashback of a doctor's appointment I had with Gracie...one of the many where I left in tears, having heard "one in" or "soft marker" or something else that was just the last straw.  I told Parke that I was going to have every person in the world pray for my baby...I don't know if every person in the world prayed for Gracie but sometimes it felt close.  I believed in those prayers, I believe those prayers delivered my girl safely to my arms...those same arms that were so empty eighteen months before, wondering if they would ever feel full again.

So, here are Sarah's prayer requests.  You can read more about Sarah and Baby Grace here...but please take a minute this morning and pray for Sarah and her husband John.

"Keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. Keep on seeking, and you will find. Keep on knocking, and the door will be opened to you."

Sarah's Prayer Requests....

Prayer Requests for the week 

1.) Please pray that John and I's genetic testing comes back with good results (we find out in the next week to few weeks)

2.) Please pray that my body heals quickly and properly so when the time comes we can move forward with conceiving again

3.) Please pray for John and I's hearts to heal and for us to accept God's plan and bigger picture for our lives so we don't live everyday looming in sadness as I know God not Grace wants that for us.

4.) Please pray that John and I are blessed with a healthy baby(s) soon.  The baby after a loss is called a rainbow baby and we want ours to love and hold~

Just Weight

I love to eat.  I also love to fit into my clothes.  These two things have often caused conflict in my life...except when I was pregnant...it was like a dream come true.  Everywhere I went people shoved more food in my face and my clothes were actually designed to accommodate my ever expanding belly.  Sure, every once in a while I wondered (doughnut in hand) how I would fit back into my regular clothes...but, wait, are those CREAM FILLED??!!

After I gave birth to Gracie, I'd basically been pregnant for two years and reality set in fast.  Not to worry, all the other mothers assured me, you will be so busy you won't have TIME to eat. The weight will come off Clearly, these mothers did not know me at all.  My husband had not dubbed me "Anne the ice-cream animal" for nothing.

And yet...over the last five months and half months...my jeans have slowly started to fit again.  Given the fact that I haven't so much put on a running shoe since Gracie Harris entered this world, I started to wonder how this phenomenon was occurring.  Possibly I had a tapeworm?

Yesterday, the light bulb started to go off.  Parke, Gracie, and I and were on our way to a birthday (pool) party when we made a quick stop at the grocery store.  To make a very long story short:

We needed to bring adult beverages to the party

Parke was the only person in the car with an ID

Parke had to take a very long work call, for which he needed his computer hooked up to the car

Gracie started screaming her head off and would only stop if she had continuous movement

So for forty-five minutes, I walked laps around the Harris Teeter parking lot in my bathing suit with a sleeping fifteen pound infant on my shoulder.  I got some strange looks.  I was really dreading what would happen if anybody asked what I was doing..."Yes, see my husband is working in that air conditioned car right there...and we can't leave because we want a beer...but I promise we are very fit parents."

But there you have it.  With nary a running short in sight (and in a bathing suit no less), I got a forty-five minute workout in, with weights!  Glamorous, no.  Effective, yes.  

So, if I am blessed and lucky enough to be a mama again some day, this is a reminder to myself...enjoy, eat up...and remember... just wait, and it's just weight.

Jolly Old. St. Anne...1/4 Gracie, 3/4 Anything I Could Get My Hands On

Go Aunt Kit, Go Aunt Kit, Go!

My little sister, our very own Aunt Kit, is graduating from high school tomorrow.  I can't believe it.

Kit was "my" first baby.  Thirteen years younger than me, my summer job for the first three years of her life was to keep my baby sister (and no, this was not a paying job).  And while I am sure I rolled my eyes and stomped my feet about it, we actually had a great time.  I think I left Barney on the television until my parents were out of sight and then teeny Kit and I would prop our feet up with cherry popsicles and watch morning marathons of Blossom.  Probably not the best babysitting skills but well...she's graduating, isn't she?

I had my first taste of motherhood one morning when I was dancing around our dining room table with one-year-old Kit clinging onto my neck and giggling up a storm.  I remember my heart being so full of love and at the same time so afraid something would happen to her that I said a prayer right then and there for God to take care of that Baby Girl...and He has.

Now I get to watch that Baby Girl take care of my Baby Girl and it is so much fun.  Gracie loves her Aunt Kit and so do I. She is one of the few people that can make me laugh so hard that I cry but my little sister is no-nonsense.  Recently, when I was in a fit of post-partum melt-down about something or another (my body, hair, or something equally as trivial) she looked at me very seriously and said, "This is neither the time nor the place to hash those feelings out." Hahaha, she was right, and usually is.  The girl is as beautiful on the inside as she is on the out and if you have ever seen her picture that is REALLY saying something.

We love you Kitty, and we are so so proud of you! Go Aunt Kit, Go Aunt Kit, Go!

Sisters

The Baby Girl with the Baby Girl

I mean, did YOU look like that in high school?  I sure didn't!

The girls...minus Gracie (who was present in my belly at picture time)

Handle with Care

One thing that is very different about being a mom to Gracie than being a mom to Rip is that I am much more afraid of death.  With Rip, even though I would have given anything to change it, I knew it was no longer my job to take care of him.  Gracie's life is very dependent on mine.

I never really feared for my own life before, which is actually kind of selfish, but I've always been pretty confident in where I was going after I died and while I certainly don't want to rush things, the idea of somebody I loved dying was always so much scarier than my own mortality.

But now I have this little life that depends on me so much.  And of course she also has a Daddy that is every bit as important...but I'm the Mama.  I have the shoulder that is perfect for napping.  I have that famous intuition.  Whether I am right or not, nobody does it just like me.

So it's scary.  I feel like I should be walking around with  "Fragile- Handle with Care" stamped on my rear (actually, there is probably ample padding there, maybe on my ribs).

Being a mother makes me feel powerful and oh so vulnerable at the same time.  One minute I know exactly what to do and the next I am right back in the deep end of the water.  It's a job that I am honored and grateful and privileged to have...it's a job to be handled with care.

From Me to You, Gracie Lou

Dear Gracie Lou,

You, at FIVE months today, are just so much fun. 

You are learning so much every day, and have quite the personality.  You are kind of sensitive (I have NO idea where you got that from), and it hurts your feelings if we laugh at you...but you are such a funny little thing.

You are so strong, today you sat up by yourself for a full minute and I swear if you held on to something you could stand by yourself too.

Your little arms and legs look like they have rubberbands on them, I love your rolls and could kiss them all day long.

At night we read The Foot Book and Hop on Pop, followed by The Going to Bed Book, and finish up with your personal favorite Goodnight Moon.  You have recently discovered how to turn the pages yourself and find it much more fun to slam the book shut if my fingers happen to be in the way...you will do this repeatedly and grin and squeal.  This is probably the kind of behavior we should discourage but you are just so pleased with yourself that it is hard to do.

Another recent discovery is the dog...you LOVE the dog.  I wish I could say that the feeling is mutual, but to be honest I think you might scare poor old Dock a little.  Maybe it has something to do with the way you scream at the top of your lungs in his face before grabbing his ears and sucking on his head. 

My favorite part of every day is coming into your room in the morning.  Most days you don't even cry or make noise, you entertain yourself until I come to get you and then your eyes light up and you get the biggest grin on your face.  It's like every morning you remember you have a mama all over again and it is the greatest thing that has ever happened in your whole life.  It rocks.

Recently, you have started reaching out and putting your chubby little palm on my face and leaving it there for a while.  You will look at me very intently, like you own me.  You are so right about that Baby Girl, I am all yours.

Your Daddy and I could not love you more if we tried, everything you do makes us smile and you make us better people.  We pray every day that we have what it takes to be the parents you deserve, the very best.

So that's it for now, from me to you, Gracie Lou.

Love,
Your Mama