Here is the honest truth...the closer we get to "D" day, the more terrified I get.
If I were to list everything that I have worried about today...even in the last hour...someone would haul me off to the asylum.
The bottom line is that we need this baby girl. We need her to get here safely, to be healthy...to be ours. Love and need this great is the scariest thing in the world.
If I've learned anything this year, it is that I am not in control. I am doing everything I can possibly do to make sure that this baby arrives safe and sound, including annoying the living daylights out of my doctors (I am sure they all have little advent-like calendars, counting down to the day they have seen and heard the last of me!). But at the end of the day, I can't control what happens next.
So somewhere in the midst of my fear, I have to let go...the only thing I can hold on to at this point is faith, and let me tell you, I am clinging for dear life.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Friday, December 2, 2011
Priorities
Making a list of what we have versus what we need before Gracie's arrival...
Crib sheets...none
Towels...not yet
Burp Cloths...no
Diaper Cream...nada
Three pairs of faux fur boots...check, check and check!
Crib sheets...none
Towels...not yet
Burp Cloths...no
Diaper Cream...nada
Three pairs of faux fur boots...check, check and check!
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Big Day
12-1-11 is a big day in the Harris household...
First of all, it's our anniversary! Four years married, twelve (twelve!) years together. You know how everyone always tells you marriage is hard work and blah blah blah. Well, they're right, and this year has brought us a whole heaping of blah blah blah. But you know what? I am still excited to go home and see my husband every day. I know that not everyone is that lucky, and I am thankful.
First of all, it's our anniversary! Four years married, twelve (twelve!) years together. You know how everyone always tells you marriage is hard work and blah blah blah. Well, they're right, and this year has brought us a whole heaping of blah blah blah. But you know what? I am still excited to go home and see my husband every day. I know that not everyone is that lucky, and I am thankful.
Happy Anniversary to a great husband and dad!
Also big in our world today..it is Gracie's birth month!! When I got pregnant with her, it seemed like this day would never come. It's been a long, sometimes really hard, road but thank the lord we have made it this far. Only three and a half weeks until her arrival, scheduled for December 27th at 8:00 am...all good thoughts and prayers are GREATLY appreciated.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Stay Baby Stay!
I am officially more pregnant than I have ever been...Hallelujah! 35 weeks and counting. And while I am quite sure I have never been this uncomfortable in my life (you name it, it hurts)...I need this baby to STAY PUT for at least another two weeks.
One of my (seemingly endless) fears during this pregnancy is that we would somehow end up back in the NICU. While I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the doctors and nurses there, it would suit me fine not to even have to say the word for the rest of my life.
Gracie is big, and showing some signs that she may want to come a little earlier than her December 27th due date...but I feel sure she is an obedient little cuss who will listen to her mama when I say STAY BABY STAY (and then get the heck out of there).
One of my (seemingly endless) fears during this pregnancy is that we would somehow end up back in the NICU. While I have nothing but wonderful things to say about the doctors and nurses there, it would suit me fine not to even have to say the word for the rest of my life.
Gracie is big, and showing some signs that she may want to come a little earlier than her December 27th due date...but I feel sure she is an obedient little cuss who will listen to her mama when I say STAY BABY STAY (and then get the heck out of there).
Saturday, November 26, 2011
After After
One year ago today, I wrote the post "After"...it was the first post I wrote after we lost Rip, and it was my 30th birthday. In it I said that I wanted to keep this blog going for a year, I wanted to see how my life changed after that devasting loss.
Some things haven't changed...there are still no words to adequately express how much we loved and love that little boy, how much his life means in our lives. There are still days when I feel very lonely, confused and so so sad.
But more days than not, I have felt hopeful and thankful. On that day a year ago, I hoped for a year that, despite our loss, was filled with love, laughter and maybe even a baby.
I have never experienced love like I have this year. I've learned that even in the worst situations, there can be good and the good that has come out of our situation has been the love...I never would have imagined that I could feel so loved by family, friends and total strangers. It makes all of the difference on those lonely days. I think I've also learned how to really love...the kind of love that comes with an open heart and will make my life worth living.
And we have laughed. Sometimes it has been hard to find anything to laugh about, but I am lucky to have a family that can find humor when it is needed most. That has been the other lesson I have learned from all of this, laughter is so importnant. Life is hard, but it is going to be so much harder if you can't find something to laugh about.
As for the baby, I am so chock full of baby right now that I feel like I have one of the suction-cupped Garfields stuck to my insides, with a different appendage in every nook and cranny. I am so so lucky to be pregnant with Gracie. She is an answer to many prayers.
Last night, I found Rip's blanket from the hospital. It is the only thing I have that he touched, and I am thankful to have that piece of him. Here in the "After After", Rip is still a part of our family. Of all the things I worried about last year, I think I was most afraid that as time passed I would lose him completely, but I haven't (in fact, when I started this post I glanced at the clock and it was 11:11...he is very good at checking in when it's important).
So, 31 years old. I could never have predicted how this year would go...but last year my prayer was that the good would outweigh the bad. Today, I sit here typing with a baby squirming in my stomach and an angel I carry in my heart, somewhere in this house is a husband who has loved us through it all and right next to me is a big brown dog who had the good sense to throw up all over the bed 365 days ago and make me start my life again. I am so glad that I did.
Some things haven't changed...there are still no words to adequately express how much we loved and love that little boy, how much his life means in our lives. There are still days when I feel very lonely, confused and so so sad.
But more days than not, I have felt hopeful and thankful. On that day a year ago, I hoped for a year that, despite our loss, was filled with love, laughter and maybe even a baby.
I have never experienced love like I have this year. I've learned that even in the worst situations, there can be good and the good that has come out of our situation has been the love...I never would have imagined that I could feel so loved by family, friends and total strangers. It makes all of the difference on those lonely days. I think I've also learned how to really love...the kind of love that comes with an open heart and will make my life worth living.
And we have laughed. Sometimes it has been hard to find anything to laugh about, but I am lucky to have a family that can find humor when it is needed most. That has been the other lesson I have learned from all of this, laughter is so importnant. Life is hard, but it is going to be so much harder if you can't find something to laugh about.
As for the baby, I am so chock full of baby right now that I feel like I have one of the suction-cupped Garfields stuck to my insides, with a different appendage in every nook and cranny. I am so so lucky to be pregnant with Gracie. She is an answer to many prayers.
Last night, I found Rip's blanket from the hospital. It is the only thing I have that he touched, and I am thankful to have that piece of him. Here in the "After After", Rip is still a part of our family. Of all the things I worried about last year, I think I was most afraid that as time passed I would lose him completely, but I haven't (in fact, when I started this post I glanced at the clock and it was 11:11...he is very good at checking in when it's important).
So, 31 years old. I could never have predicted how this year would go...but last year my prayer was that the good would outweigh the bad. Today, I sit here typing with a baby squirming in my stomach and an angel I carry in my heart, somewhere in this house is a husband who has loved us through it all and right next to me is a big brown dog who had the good sense to throw up all over the bed 365 days ago and make me start my life again. I am so glad that I did.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Giving Thanks
I wish I had something profound to say about Thanksgiving, but I don't. I do plan on giving thanks for many things this year, thanks for everything from my children and family to the fact that there is absolutely nothing I need from Target at 12:00 am tomorrow night.
And maybe that's what Thanksgiving is really about, all the big and the little things that you are thankful for without having to put too much thought into any of it.
Well, that and sweet potato casserole with marshmallows on it.
Monday, November 21, 2011
The Last of the Firsts
Last Friday, November 18th, was the first anniversary of the day that Rip passed away. It was kind of "the last of the firsts" for us, and there some relief in that. Not that any holiday, birthday, or even just plain old Monday will be any easier, but now we have experienced it, and lived through that experience, at least once.
I had a much harder time on Rip's birthday, November 11th, than this past Friday. I think there are probably many reasons for that...I can't actually remember a lot of the day he died, either the trauma of it or the drugs from the c-section have allowed me to block some of that day out, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But mostly I think the day he was born is harder from me because it is his life I miss so much, not the death.
Overall, the last week was hard...but maybe not as hard as I expected it to be. As I've said before, I miss Rip everyday so the anticipation of these "anniversaries" is almost always worse than the actual day. Parke and I took some time to be together, and it was nice for me to have time to really concentrate on Rip and all his little life meant and means.
So we made it through a whole year, we made it through all of the worst firsts. My hope this Thanksgiving is that this year will be full of more firsts, but only the best kinds.
I had a much harder time on Rip's birthday, November 11th, than this past Friday. I think there are probably many reasons for that...I can't actually remember a lot of the day he died, either the trauma of it or the drugs from the c-section have allowed me to block some of that day out, which isn't necessarily a bad thing. But mostly I think the day he was born is harder from me because it is his life I miss so much, not the death.
Overall, the last week was hard...but maybe not as hard as I expected it to be. As I've said before, I miss Rip everyday so the anticipation of these "anniversaries" is almost always worse than the actual day. Parke and I took some time to be together, and it was nice for me to have time to really concentrate on Rip and all his little life meant and means.
So we made it through a whole year, we made it through all of the worst firsts. My hope this Thanksgiving is that this year will be full of more firsts, but only the best kinds.
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