Even after I accepted that life was going to go on without Rip, I had pretty much come to the conclusion that happiness was just no longer in the cards for me. I could not conceive that I would actually feel true joy again after losing him.
The acceptance phase for me has something to do with learning how to fit becoming "The girl who..." (lost her baby) into my life. I had to learn how to fit that new piece of my life into what already existed. It is not been easy, but I have found that "The girl who" can be happy.
Because that girl has a beautiful baby boy and a beautiful baby girl on the way. That girl has faith, friends, and family. That girl can still get so cracked up over ridiculous things that her husband can only shake his head.
Happiness is different now...I won't say that it has more meaning (happy is just happy, not complicated ), but I need it more now than ever. I love those gut-busting moments. My great-grandmother said that you have to find you own happiness and it's true. You have to look for and find those happy moments, and I am so glad that I have been able to discover them again.
So while Rip's death has changed me in so many ways, I am at the point now where I able to have comfort and I am able to have joy...and I like to think my son has his hand in that.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Prayers of the People
So, taking a little break from my "stages" post...right when I get to the happiest one too! I think that is part of why I am writing today (and will write an "acceptance" post at some point)...today I woke up so happy...and I freaked out.
Yesterday, I was able to get all of my paperwork back from the doctor outlining my leave when Gracie arrives. The doctor said we would most likely be doing a c-section on December 26th...can you think of a better way to spend the day after Christmas?! Beats any day-after sale I know about.
But as we get closer, and as it gets more and more real, I get more afraid. We are SO close, and I just want this baby so badly. Gracie's birth can't change Rip's loss, but it will be a cause for so much joy. And I am so afraid something is going to come along and take that joy away.
So very selfishly, today I am asking for prayers. Prayers for health, prayers for normalcy, prayers to quiet my mind, prayers to be able to just enjoy this time. I guess I am looking for that whole "peace that passes all understanding" thing. I know so many people have and are praying for us, but it makes me feel like I am doing something to ask for these prayers today...and for someone who likes complete control (and is starting to realize just how little I actually have), that means a lot.
And it sounds cliche, but from the bottom of my heart...thank you.
Yesterday, I was able to get all of my paperwork back from the doctor outlining my leave when Gracie arrives. The doctor said we would most likely be doing a c-section on December 26th...can you think of a better way to spend the day after Christmas?! Beats any day-after sale I know about.
But as we get closer, and as it gets more and more real, I get more afraid. We are SO close, and I just want this baby so badly. Gracie's birth can't change Rip's loss, but it will be a cause for so much joy. And I am so afraid something is going to come along and take that joy away.
So very selfishly, today I am asking for prayers. Prayers for health, prayers for normalcy, prayers to quiet my mind, prayers to be able to just enjoy this time. I guess I am looking for that whole "peace that passes all understanding" thing. I know so many people have and are praying for us, but it makes me feel like I am doing something to ask for these prayers today...and for someone who likes complete control (and is starting to realize just how little I actually have), that means a lot.
And it sounds cliche, but from the bottom of my heart...thank you.
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Down Time
The sadness/depression stage is a complicated one. I've found that people are very shaken by sadness. After Rip died, I cried a lot (still do sometimes) and it would really alarm people. My doctors kept asking if I felt depressed...well, yeah. How else should I feel? The thing is...my child died. Would it not be more alarming if I wasn't sad, didn't feel depressed?
Even though I don't think I was ever unusually depressed, I do remember a time around Christmas when I was driving back from work. A car kind of swerved into my lane and I swerved to avoid it. For some reason, that brought me a huge sense of relief...it was kind of like, "Okay, the sense of self-preservation is still there." I think maybe from that point forward, I realized that losing Rip wasn't going to kill me, and I better do the best I could with the life I was given.
As I've said, the sadness I feel now is pure and sometimes much needed. I miss Rip and that is all there is to it. But sometimes I also feel sadness for Gracie...not that I think something will happen to her, because truthfully I don't, but when you have lost one child unfortunately you always know what it would feel like to lose another.
The bottom line is that sadness does not scare me like it did in the beginning. I know now that it will not overtake me, that while there are always times I will be sad, happiness is still right there. The truth is, I need my down time.
Even though I don't think I was ever unusually depressed, I do remember a time around Christmas when I was driving back from work. A car kind of swerved into my lane and I swerved to avoid it. For some reason, that brought me a huge sense of relief...it was kind of like, "Okay, the sense of self-preservation is still there." I think maybe from that point forward, I realized that losing Rip wasn't going to kill me, and I better do the best I could with the life I was given.
As I've said, the sadness I feel now is pure and sometimes much needed. I miss Rip and that is all there is to it. But sometimes I also feel sadness for Gracie...not that I think something will happen to her, because truthfully I don't, but when you have lost one child unfortunately you always know what it would feel like to lose another.
The bottom line is that sadness does not scare me like it did in the beginning. I know now that it will not overtake me, that while there are always times I will be sad, happiness is still right there. The truth is, I need my down time.
Monday, August 29, 2011
Raw End of the Deal
The bargaining stage is one that maybe I don't understand very well. I never did the stereotypical "I promise I'll do XYZ, if Rip can come back".
But as I said, I have definitely had moments where I wondered what I could have done differently. Thankfully, even knowing what I know now, I have had a lot of peace that there is nothing else I would or could possibly have known then that would have changed the outcome.
I think one form of bargaining I did right after we lost Rip, and still do to some extent, is turn to books for answers. In the first few weeks and months I read all sorts of books about pregnancy loss, stories from doctors, psychiatrists, other parents...and I think I was really just looking from some answers about why this happened to us. As if something in one of those books could give me the reason I lost my son, why Anne lost Rip. And maybe, on a subconscious level, if I could just figure out the why, there would be some way for me to fix it.
I do find myself doing a lot of bargaining these days on Gracie's behalf. I have absolutely done the stereotypical if...then thing with this pregnancy. I think I have promised everything that isn't nailed down for the healthiness of this child.
And I think she will be healthy, but I don't think it is because of any deal I make...nor do I think we lost Rip because I failed to make the right deal last time. There is nothing I would not have given to get Rip back. Maybe part of the healing during this stage of grief is knowing that there are some deals you just can't win.
But as I said, I have definitely had moments where I wondered what I could have done differently. Thankfully, even knowing what I know now, I have had a lot of peace that there is nothing else I would or could possibly have known then that would have changed the outcome.
I think one form of bargaining I did right after we lost Rip, and still do to some extent, is turn to books for answers. In the first few weeks and months I read all sorts of books about pregnancy loss, stories from doctors, psychiatrists, other parents...and I think I was really just looking from some answers about why this happened to us. As if something in one of those books could give me the reason I lost my son, why Anne lost Rip. And maybe, on a subconscious level, if I could just figure out the why, there would be some way for me to fix it.
I do find myself doing a lot of bargaining these days on Gracie's behalf. I have absolutely done the stereotypical if...then thing with this pregnancy. I think I have promised everything that isn't nailed down for the healthiness of this child.
And I think she will be healthy, but I don't think it is because of any deal I make...nor do I think we lost Rip because I failed to make the right deal last time. There is nothing I would not have given to get Rip back. Maybe part of the healing during this stage of grief is knowing that there are some deals you just can't win.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
The (not so Incredible) Hulk
I am not a confrontational person. Right after Rip died, I just couldn't work up anger. People were angry on my behalf, Parke was angry, my friends and family were angry...but I think of all of the stages anger is the one I have skipped the most. Maybe the worst is yet to come, but there was never a period where all I felt was anger.
Now, don't get me wrong...there have been times of short-lived REAL anger. There have been times that I have been furious with God, angry at the right people, angry at the wrong people...but for me, behind the anger is mostly disappointment and sadness.
Rip got an infection in the hospital after he was born...so far we have not been able to have a meeting with that hospital to explain what they think happened. Does that make me mad...yeah, absolutely. But it's hard to explain that anger- is what they tell me going to change the outcome...no, unfortunately not. But maybe it would help me to know that what happened to us is not going to happen to someone else. I don't blame any one person who worked with Rip, it is more anger at a place...and where does that get me? Again, I think it is maybe more disappointment than anger...it makes me wonder when people will ever learn how much can be gained by the words "I'm sorry".
But I guess I feel like anger isn't going to get me anywhere. I also just can't seem to associate Rip with true anger. He is and always will be such a good thing.
I love Rip. I love Gracie, and I love Parke. I love my little family. I'm not incapable of anger, I just feel like there are more important things and people to take care of right now.
Now, don't get me wrong...there have been times of short-lived REAL anger. There have been times that I have been furious with God, angry at the right people, angry at the wrong people...but for me, behind the anger is mostly disappointment and sadness.
Rip got an infection in the hospital after he was born...so far we have not been able to have a meeting with that hospital to explain what they think happened. Does that make me mad...yeah, absolutely. But it's hard to explain that anger- is what they tell me going to change the outcome...no, unfortunately not. But maybe it would help me to know that what happened to us is not going to happen to someone else. I don't blame any one person who worked with Rip, it is more anger at a place...and where does that get me? Again, I think it is maybe more disappointment than anger...it makes me wonder when people will ever learn how much can be gained by the words "I'm sorry".
But I guess I feel like anger isn't going to get me anywhere. I also just can't seem to associate Rip with true anger. He is and always will be such a good thing.
I love Rip. I love Gracie, and I love Parke. I love my little family. I'm not incapable of anger, I just feel like there are more important things and people to take care of right now.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Everyone deserves a break now and then
The denial or shock stage I felt right after Rip died was absolutely necessary in getting me through each day, and the kind of denial I go through now serves an equally important purpose.
For me, those first few days of denial kept me sane...it was the bubble wrap stage, where I couldn't feel anything and somewhere deep down I knew that was saving me.
Over the past months there have been moments of real denial. Moments where I think about what could have gone differently, where a different decision could have been made, and maybe this whole thing would have never happened. I have those fleeting moments where I think maybe I can still fix this, there has to be some way to make the outcome different.
But I know I can't.
So for the most part, denial for me now is a choice. Not that I for one minute deny Rip.
When I was younger, and I got into a situation that scared me or made me uncomfortable, I would pretend I was in a play. That is kind of what denial is like for me these days...it's pretending I am just a normal pregnant girl, shopping for normal pregnant girl things. It is allowing people to exclaim over my bump and just taking a moment to be excited with them. It is allowing myself to be the me that other people, who know nothing about my situation, see for a few minutes. It's not so much running away from what has happened, it is taking a break from the bad parts.
In the beginning, I had no control over my emotions. Now, being able to take five or ten minutes to check out from anything painful is one of the biggest ways I have been able to heal. Denial is always talked about as such a negative thing, but I feel like everyone deserves a break now and then.
For me, those first few days of denial kept me sane...it was the bubble wrap stage, where I couldn't feel anything and somewhere deep down I knew that was saving me.
Over the past months there have been moments of real denial. Moments where I think about what could have gone differently, where a different decision could have been made, and maybe this whole thing would have never happened. I have those fleeting moments where I think maybe I can still fix this, there has to be some way to make the outcome different.
But I know I can't.
So for the most part, denial for me now is a choice. Not that I for one minute deny Rip.
When I was younger, and I got into a situation that scared me or made me uncomfortable, I would pretend I was in a play. That is kind of what denial is like for me these days...it's pretending I am just a normal pregnant girl, shopping for normal pregnant girl things. It is allowing people to exclaim over my bump and just taking a moment to be excited with them. It is allowing myself to be the me that other people, who know nothing about my situation, see for a few minutes. It's not so much running away from what has happened, it is taking a break from the bad parts.
In the beginning, I had no control over my emotions. Now, being able to take five or ten minutes to check out from anything painful is one of the biggest ways I have been able to heal. Denial is always talked about as such a negative thing, but I feel like everyone deserves a break now and then.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Life's A Stage
Right after we lost Rip, I paid a lot attention to the "stages" of grief...denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. I kept trying to figure out what "stage" I was in, and how fast I could get to the finish line. As months went by I was told, and learned, that you cycle back through the stages time and time again. I'm still cycling away, but each stage feels so much different ten months later than it did in those first days, weeks, months. I like to write how I am feeling down, it is just my way of seeing progress and figuring out all of these emotions that keep swirling around. So anyway, that's what I am going to try to do over the next few days...but for now, I am just going to enjoy that white chocolate macadamia nut cookie that is calling my name (9:30 in the morning is an acceptable time for that, right?).
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