Words like thankful and relief do not even begin to describe how I feel about yesterday's doctors appointment.
We heard words I have NEVER heard in either of my pregnancies, words like "perfect" and "great". Every scary thing that has been a possibility until now was as ruled out as it ever gets in pregnancy. We left the appointment and I almost did not know how to feel...I am a normal pregnant person, I have never been a normal pregnant person before.
This time last year, at 20 weeks pregnant, I was not allowed to be further than a ten mile radius from a hospital...eight weeks later I was in the hospital for 6 weeks. I was not allowed to walk around, much less walk for exercise. I had to sit at my desk with my feet propped in the air. I would not trade one minute of that time I was on bed rest with Rip, because it gave me time with him that I did not realize I would not have after he was born...but it was scary, and I was about as far from a normal pregnant person as you get.
Today I am wearing 4 inch leopard platform shoes. I got up early this morning and power-walked through my neighborhood. I am meeting a friend for dinner tonight and will keep my legs firmly on the floor. I don't have to get into bed unless I want to. It still feel a little unreal to me to Just. Be. Pregnant.
But I am, just a normal pregnant person, carrying a healthy (and very active...she put on quite a show yesterday) Baby Girl. Relief doesn't even begin to describe it.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What are you so afraid of?
I've realized there are a lot of bogus quotes and cliches when it comes to fear...
"You have nothing to fear but fear itself"...umm, actually I can list on two hands things that I fear, and none of them are fear itself
"Fear not"...easy for you to say
"Fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind"...then why does my stomach hurt?
"What are you so afraid of?"...how long do we have?
"The thing we fear we bring to pass"...don't try to pin this on me
The thing I've realized is that fear is inevitable, at least in my situation. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that I liked: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear".
I am scared to go to the doctor tomorrow. I feel about that fear similar to the way I feel about crying. I don't like doing it, but it is necessary and getting through it almost always makes me feel better.
So, for lack of other options, I am going to "face my fears" and all that jazz. But I don't have to like it.
"You have nothing to fear but fear itself"...umm, actually I can list on two hands things that I fear, and none of them are fear itself
"Fear not"...easy for you to say
"Fear doesn't exist anywhere except in the mind"...then why does my stomach hurt?
"What are you so afraid of?"...how long do we have?
"The thing we fear we bring to pass"...don't try to pin this on me
The thing I've realized is that fear is inevitable, at least in my situation. There is a quote from C.S. Lewis that I liked: "No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear".
I am scared to go to the doctor tomorrow. I feel about that fear similar to the way I feel about crying. I don't like doing it, but it is necessary and getting through it almost always makes me feel better.
So, for lack of other options, I am going to "face my fears" and all that jazz. But I don't have to like it.
Friday, August 12, 2011
The Evolution of Gracie
I've never been a big "music person"...I like music, but I rarely know who sings what, and until now it pretty much served as background noise.
After we lost Rip, I was amazed by how much music helped. There were songs that made me cry, made me smile...just basically got me through whatever emotion I needed to get through.
That trend has continued with pregnancy, so yesterday I put together a "Gracie Playlist" with all of the songs that remind me of the time when she was just a dream, songs that remind this pregnancy, and then songs that give me hope for holding her in my arms.
I wanted to save that list here, in case pregnancy brain takes over and I forget...
After we lost Rip, I was amazed by how much music helped. There were songs that made me cry, made me smile...just basically got me through whatever emotion I needed to get through.
That trend has continued with pregnancy, so yesterday I put together a "Gracie Playlist" with all of the songs that remind me of the time when she was just a dream, songs that remind this pregnancy, and then songs that give me hope for holding her in my arms.
I wanted to save that list here, in case pregnancy brain takes over and I forget...
1. Have a Little Faith- John Hiatt
2. Just Haven’t Met You Yet- Michael Buble
3. Bright Side of the Road- Van Morrison
4. Not a moment too soon- Tim McGraw
5. Rainbow- Jack Johnson
6. The Sound of Sunshine- Michael Franti
7. Let it Be- Beatles
8. Three Little Birds- Bob Marley
9. Wave on Wave- Pat Green
10 Feel My Love- Adele
11 What a Wonderful World- Louis Armstrong
12 Everything- Michael Buble
13 Isn’t She Lovely- Stevie Wonder
14 Baby Mine- Alison Krauss
15 Gracie- Ben Folds
16 Amazing Grace- Leann Rimes version
17 Miss Grace- The Tymes
Thursday, August 11, 2011
You Gotta Believe...
I will admit, prayer confuses me. One of the first things I am going to ask when I get to Heaven is why some prayers work, when others do not. It is something that I have struggled over and over with since we lost Rip. I've seen prayers work, in my life and in miraculous ways in other's lives...but I always come back to "why not us".
We have our next "scary" appointment on Wednesday ( I say scary, but it is just an anatomy scan...I know I should look forward to these appointments, but they scare the bejesus out of me).These days, I pray almost constantly for Gracie. I ask other people to pray all of the time. But it can be a fight, always wondering why should this time be any different.
I keep praying, and despite everything, I feel like it is the most important thing I am doing for Gracie. Because I always come up with the same answer to all of those questions...you gotta believe.
We have our next "scary" appointment on Wednesday ( I say scary, but it is just an anatomy scan...I know I should look forward to these appointments, but they scare the bejesus out of me).These days, I pray almost constantly for Gracie. I ask other people to pray all of the time. But it can be a fight, always wondering why should this time be any different.
I keep praying, and despite everything, I feel like it is the most important thing I am doing for Gracie. Because I always come up with the same answer to all of those questions...you gotta believe.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sappy
Sappy just about sums me up these days. It is a combination of sad and happy that seems pretty inevitable.
These days there is just a very pure sadness when it comes to losing Rip. I think enough time has gone by so that I am finally strong enough to feel this sadness. I lost what was most precious to me in the entire world, something that is absolutely irreplaceable. There are mornings when I wake up crying for Rip, and there is definitely a release in that. I need to miss him. There are also so many bittersweet moments...knowing that we will be taking down his nursery... knowing that while my feelings for Rip will never change, I will inevitably have less time to concentrate on just him when the new baby comes. Even moments like being at the beach with my family, or going to a friend's baby shower leave me a little weepy. There is just no easy way around missing him, and that is sad.
But I am also so happy. I love this little girl more than I thought possible. She is a little spit-fire, always moving...legs, arms, popping up all over my belly. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, I enjoy lying there and feeling her wake-up so much. I am like some kind of addict...okay, I will get up after one more kick, okay one more, one more...it's a wonder I've made it to work at all. All of this activity is such a blessing, it helps my mind and my heart knowing she is in there growing away. I talk to her all of the time, "we" go shopping and I swear she hops around a little more every time I find yet another adorable dress, hat, bow. I am all too aware that those bittersweet moments...time at the beach, baby showers...would be nothing but bitter without this little bundle of joy. There are smiles in our voices that I was so worried would never be there again. She is truly an amazing Grace.
So a lot of crying, and a lot of laughing. There are worse things than being sappy.
These days there is just a very pure sadness when it comes to losing Rip. I think enough time has gone by so that I am finally strong enough to feel this sadness. I lost what was most precious to me in the entire world, something that is absolutely irreplaceable. There are mornings when I wake up crying for Rip, and there is definitely a release in that. I need to miss him. There are also so many bittersweet moments...knowing that we will be taking down his nursery... knowing that while my feelings for Rip will never change, I will inevitably have less time to concentrate on just him when the new baby comes. Even moments like being at the beach with my family, or going to a friend's baby shower leave me a little weepy. There is just no easy way around missing him, and that is sad.
But I am also so happy. I love this little girl more than I thought possible. She is a little spit-fire, always moving...legs, arms, popping up all over my belly. I can hardly get out of bed in the morning, I enjoy lying there and feeling her wake-up so much. I am like some kind of addict...okay, I will get up after one more kick, okay one more, one more...it's a wonder I've made it to work at all. All of this activity is such a blessing, it helps my mind and my heart knowing she is in there growing away. I talk to her all of the time, "we" go shopping and I swear she hops around a little more every time I find yet another adorable dress, hat, bow. I am all too aware that those bittersweet moments...time at the beach, baby showers...would be nothing but bitter without this little bundle of joy. There are smiles in our voices that I was so worried would never be there again. She is truly an amazing Grace.
So a lot of crying, and a lot of laughing. There are worse things than being sappy.
Monday, August 8, 2011
Dance, Darlin' Dance!
My great-grandmother, Nanoo (aka Louise, Gracie's namesake) had a solution to change. Her advice to my mother growing up was always to "Dance, darlin' dance!" My mom explained to me that by this, she meant no matter what opportunity or challenge came your way, it was your job take it. No matter the outcome.
Yesterday in church we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Lord of the Dance". Listening to the refrain,
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I was reminded of my Nanoo's saying.
I am not a dancer by nature (we have the high school dance team videos to prove it), and up to this point I have almost always taken the easy road out, either because I was afraid things would change, or that they wouldn't.
I would like to think these days I am dancing just a little bit more. Not in a "what have I got to lose" kind of way, because I know now how much can be lost. But more in a "who knows what I will gain" way. I have to believe that there is somebody leading this dance I am in, and the best thing I can do is jump in feet first and keep them moving until it is time to stop. I can almost hear my great-grandmother clapping along.
Hopefully one day when Gracie is facing her own challenges, I can tell her all about her great-great grandmother...and how to Dance Darlin' Dance!
Yesterday in church we sang one of my favorite hymns, "Lord of the Dance". Listening to the refrain,
Dance, dance, wherever you may be
I am the lord of the dance, said he
And I lead you all, wherever you may be
And I lead you all in the dance, said he
I am not a dancer by nature (we have the high school dance team videos to prove it), and up to this point I have almost always taken the easy road out, either because I was afraid things would change, or that they wouldn't.
I would like to think these days I am dancing just a little bit more. Not in a "what have I got to lose" kind of way, because I know now how much can be lost. But more in a "who knows what I will gain" way. I have to believe that there is somebody leading this dance I am in, and the best thing I can do is jump in feet first and keep them moving until it is time to stop. I can almost hear my great-grandmother clapping along.
Hopefully one day when Gracie is facing her own challenges, I can tell her all about her great-great grandmother...and how to Dance Darlin' Dance!
Friday, July 29, 2011
Be Careful What You Ask For
I probably won't write while I am on vacation, so I thought I would finish the week with a funny story. This is a true case of "be careful what you ask for, because you just might get it!"
I know my mother-in-law reads this blog, so I will start by saying that I know she meant this in the best possible way (aka just trying to give me what I'd asked for), and I truly did think it was funny.
So, one of the things the doctor keeps saying is that one of the best signs we can have that Gracie is okay is that she keeps growing on track. So, being the crazy person I am, I have become obsessed with her getting bigger and stronger. I am practically begging this child to kick me so hard it brings me to my knees.
I am also practically begging everyone I see to tell me how much bigger I have gotten. Parke in particular has been very reluctant about doing so (apparently valuing his life a great deal) but after a few weird looks I can usually get my audience to tell me that yes, my belly does look a lot bigger than yesterday...last week...what have you.
The other day I was visiting my mother-in-law and told her about my newest quirk. I proudly put my hand on my belly and she obligingly told me that Gracie was looking large and in-charge. We chatted, caught up on life, and after I while I got up to make my exit. It was as I was walking away, belly to the door and fanny to her face that she exclaimed, "WOW! You really ARE getting huge!!!"
Like I said, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it! Time to get me and my huge self to the beach!
I know my mother-in-law reads this blog, so I will start by saying that I know she meant this in the best possible way (aka just trying to give me what I'd asked for), and I truly did think it was funny.
So, one of the things the doctor keeps saying is that one of the best signs we can have that Gracie is okay is that she keeps growing on track. So, being the crazy person I am, I have become obsessed with her getting bigger and stronger. I am practically begging this child to kick me so hard it brings me to my knees.
I am also practically begging everyone I see to tell me how much bigger I have gotten. Parke in particular has been very reluctant about doing so (apparently valuing his life a great deal) but after a few weird looks I can usually get my audience to tell me that yes, my belly does look a lot bigger than yesterday...last week...what have you.
The other day I was visiting my mother-in-law and told her about my newest quirk. I proudly put my hand on my belly and she obligingly told me that Gracie was looking large and in-charge. We chatted, caught up on life, and after I while I got up to make my exit. It was as I was walking away, belly to the door and fanny to her face that she exclaimed, "WOW! You really ARE getting huge!!!"
Like I said, be careful what you ask for, you just might get it! Time to get me and my huge self to the beach!
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