I think when you are grieving you are always teetering on that line between the hopeful and the hopeless.
Some days, it seems like we have turned the corner...things are looking up, we are moving forward, there is no stopping us now...and then one tiny bump in the road comes along and it feels like the end of world all over again.
Everything just seems so extreme.
While I'd love for life to be "normal" for a little while, I've never been a fan of the whole "there's black, there's white, and then there's the gray area" thing...I feel like I've had enough "gray" to last me a lifetime...but I'll gladly take a little hot pink, please.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Picture It
I am a big fan of The Golden Girls, spent hours watching it with all of my college girlfriends when we should have been in class. Fans of the show will remember that Sophia Petrillo would always start her stories with "Picture it..."
I get where she was going with that now...I think maybe to really believe in your story, to get others to believe in your story, you have to be able to picture it.
I have a very definite picture of what I want the rest of my life to be like, a picture I was never able to have before Rip was born. I did not know what to pray for, I did not know how to picture myself as a mother, I did not know what image to close my eyes and hold on to for dear life.
Now I do.
I believe in this story with all of my heart.
Picture it...
I get where she was going with that now...I think maybe to really believe in your story, to get others to believe in your story, you have to be able to picture it.
I have a very definite picture of what I want the rest of my life to be like, a picture I was never able to have before Rip was born. I did not know what to pray for, I did not know how to picture myself as a mother, I did not know what image to close my eyes and hold on to for dear life.
Now I do.
I believe in this story with all of my heart.
Picture it...
Monday, April 11, 2011
"This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let It Shine..."
This weekend, I went to a bridal shower for one of my very oldest friends...and as much as I wanted to be there for her, I'll admit part of me was dreading it.
I made a lot of bold declarations about the kind of person I wanted to be after Rip died, but sometimes they are hard to live up to...sometimes I feel I am nothing like the person I want to be, much less the person I used to be.
Being with people who have known me almost all of my life this weekend reaffirmed something I have learned over and over again these past five months, I could not do this without support...and there is a special kind of support that comes from the people who have known and loved you since you were a little girl (or boy).
Sometimes I feel like I have lost my light, but being with people who know stories about me from times when I was five..ten...fifteen year old...that is an irreplaceable gift. They are able to give me back some of that light, reflect it into even the darkest places.
Just as I feared, I spent most of this weekend near tears, only this time they were tears of laughter.
I made a lot of bold declarations about the kind of person I wanted to be after Rip died, but sometimes they are hard to live up to...sometimes I feel I am nothing like the person I want to be, much less the person I used to be.
Being with people who have known me almost all of my life this weekend reaffirmed something I have learned over and over again these past five months, I could not do this without support...and there is a special kind of support that comes from the people who have known and loved you since you were a little girl (or boy).
Sometimes I feel like I have lost my light, but being with people who know stories about me from times when I was five..ten...fifteen year old...that is an irreplaceable gift. They are able to give me back some of that light, reflect it into even the darkest places.
Just as I feared, I spent most of this weekend near tears, only this time they were tears of laughter.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
We Go Together
I've been thinking a lot about family and how we are tied together, whether we like it or not...it's a lesson I learned the hard way yesterday.
Because of the circumstances surrounding Rips death, there are some things that Parke and I, as parents and as people, feel we need to know...to put our hearts at peace and to try to prevent others from going through the heartbreak we have experienced.
Unfortunately, that means doing some things, talking to some people, that can make healing wounds fresh all over again.
One such meeting occurred yesterday, and I decided not to participate...I thought by not being there physically, I would save myself the emotions that went along with my presence at such a hard event.
Boy,was I ever wrong.
My mistake was forgetting about my heart. My heart is always going to be with my family, with Parke and with Rip, even if I am not there physically. The thought of Parke going through that meeting alone, the thought of not being there when Rip was being discussed...it was much worse than the reality.
So I learned my lesson, even though some of the things we will have to do over the next months...years...lifetime...will be hard, we're in this thing together.
We are a family, for better or for worse, here or in our hearts.
Because of the circumstances surrounding Rips death, there are some things that Parke and I, as parents and as people, feel we need to know...to put our hearts at peace and to try to prevent others from going through the heartbreak we have experienced.
Unfortunately, that means doing some things, talking to some people, that can make healing wounds fresh all over again.
One such meeting occurred yesterday, and I decided not to participate...I thought by not being there physically, I would save myself the emotions that went along with my presence at such a hard event.
Boy,was I ever wrong.
My mistake was forgetting about my heart. My heart is always going to be with my family, with Parke and with Rip, even if I am not there physically. The thought of Parke going through that meeting alone, the thought of not being there when Rip was being discussed...it was much worse than the reality.
So I learned my lesson, even though some of the things we will have to do over the next months...years...lifetime...will be hard, we're in this thing together.
We are a family, for better or for worse, here or in our hearts.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
We Call Him Brown Dog
If there is an unsung hero in the past year, it is our big, goofy chocolate lab...his name is Doc, but we usually just call him Brown Dog.
When I was in the hospital, the highlight of my week was Sunday afternoon, when I was allowed a thirty minute wheelchair ride out into the fresh air, and the big brown dog would come up for a visit. Although very confused as to why I was not able to get up and play, he soon found that his head fit pretty well in my lap at wheelchair level, all the better to lick knees, face, legs...whatever was within reach.
After Rip died, I had not stepped foot in my home for over six weeks. My world had been turned upside down. Burying my face into warm brown fur brought back a sense of normalcy that I didn't think I would ever find again.
By December, Parke had to go back to work. My parents had to go back home. All of my friends had lives they had to return to. It was just me and the Brown Dog. He would lie next to me on the nursery floor while I cried and cried. He would put that enormous head in my lap until it was literally soaked with tears. Finally, at the end of the day, we would get enough strength to heave ourselves up, with world-weary sighs, and find our way back down the stairs to face another night.
During those horrible first months, whenever Parke and I happened to be in separate rooms, the Brown Dog would frantically roam back and forth, knowing his job was to comfort but loving us both too much to decide where he was needed most.
Even now, when we are finally starting to see some good days...maybe even some weeks more good than bad...there are nights when I crawl in bed to have a good cry and find a big brown body tucked beside me, eyebrows worrying up and down, tail thumping reassuringly.
There has been someone there, keeping our little family together, and asking for nothing in return...we call him Brown Dog.
When I was in the hospital, the highlight of my week was Sunday afternoon, when I was allowed a thirty minute wheelchair ride out into the fresh air, and the big brown dog would come up for a visit. Although very confused as to why I was not able to get up and play, he soon found that his head fit pretty well in my lap at wheelchair level, all the better to lick knees, face, legs...whatever was within reach.
After Rip died, I had not stepped foot in my home for over six weeks. My world had been turned upside down. Burying my face into warm brown fur brought back a sense of normalcy that I didn't think I would ever find again.
By December, Parke had to go back to work. My parents had to go back home. All of my friends had lives they had to return to. It was just me and the Brown Dog. He would lie next to me on the nursery floor while I cried and cried. He would put that enormous head in my lap until it was literally soaked with tears. Finally, at the end of the day, we would get enough strength to heave ourselves up, with world-weary sighs, and find our way back down the stairs to face another night.
During those horrible first months, whenever Parke and I happened to be in separate rooms, the Brown Dog would frantically roam back and forth, knowing his job was to comfort but loving us both too much to decide where he was needed most.
Even now, when we are finally starting to see some good days...maybe even some weeks more good than bad...there are nights when I crawl in bed to have a good cry and find a big brown body tucked beside me, eyebrows worrying up and down, tail thumping reassuringly.
There has been someone there, keeping our little family together, and asking for nothing in return...we call him Brown Dog.
Monday, April 4, 2011
Lean on Me
One of the hardest parts of these past few months, for me, is watching Parke in pain. It's never easy to watch someone you love hurt, but now, knowing how much pain I am in and knowing he has to experience the same...it can be unbearable. My great-grandmother told me one time that you can't depend on other people to make you happy...unfortunately, you also can't make someone else happy.
But you can make sure other people can depend on you.
I've thought a lot about what that awful grief counselor said to us a few months ago- "Life is all about loss"...and it's just not true. Life is all about people. And inevitably, when you have people, if you are lucky enough to have a lot of people and a lot of love, then you will experience loss.
I would not have made it to this day without my people. I can't take away Parke's pain and he can't take away mine, but I don't think either of us would be standing here today without one another to lean on.
Neither of us would be able to get through this without our people who, knowing they can not take away our pain, still hold us through it.
Life is not about loss. Life is about people. Life is about the people who will love you through your loss...the people you will lean on until you can stand on your own again.
But you can make sure other people can depend on you.
I've thought a lot about what that awful grief counselor said to us a few months ago- "Life is all about loss"...and it's just not true. Life is all about people. And inevitably, when you have people, if you are lucky enough to have a lot of people and a lot of love, then you will experience loss.
I would not have made it to this day without my people. I can't take away Parke's pain and he can't take away mine, but I don't think either of us would be standing here today without one another to lean on.
Neither of us would be able to get through this without our people who, knowing they can not take away our pain, still hold us through it.
Life is not about loss. Life is about people. Life is about the people who will love you through your loss...the people you will lean on until you can stand on your own again.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tell me something good...
It's been a bad week. It happens. But good lord I get sick of them.
I get the whole "why ask why" thing...but why? Why us? Why our baby? Why, after everything we went through, did we still lose? Where was our miracle? What are we supposed to do now?
I try to stay positive, because that is who I am...I am a happy, optimistic person who had something awful happen to me, to my whole family.
But sometimes I get worn out, just physically and mentally exhausted.
And I try to remind myself that just as quickly as things can go wrong, they can go right again...so I am ready for that.
I am throwing it out to the universe...be it rainbows, heads-up pennies, or four-leafed clovers...wherever that good may be, we're right here...and we're ready for you.
I get the whole "why ask why" thing...but why? Why us? Why our baby? Why, after everything we went through, did we still lose? Where was our miracle? What are we supposed to do now?
I try to stay positive, because that is who I am...I am a happy, optimistic person who had something awful happen to me, to my whole family.
But sometimes I get worn out, just physically and mentally exhausted.
And I try to remind myself that just as quickly as things can go wrong, they can go right again...so I am ready for that.
I am throwing it out to the universe...be it rainbows, heads-up pennies, or four-leafed clovers...wherever that good may be, we're right here...and we're ready for you.
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