Where Does the Good Go

I guess it is safe to say that I have reached the dreaded "depression" phase of this grief thing.  I knew it was coming, everyone warned me it was coming...I've been waiting for it, dreading it like the plague for the past 14 weeks, so I don't know why it has taken me by surprise. 


According to "the experts", grief looks like this...





That is basically what it feels like too..I'm okay! No, I'm not! I'm okay! No, I'm not!


Symptoms of the depression phase include crying, sleeping a lot and then not sleeping at all, lack of appetite, lack of concentration, irritability, and bad hygiene (okay, I do draw the line there, my mom taught me that nobody ever feels better by looking bad, and I believe her).


Basically, none of this is anything I haven't experienced at least once in the past few months, but I think maybe the depression phase is just where is all catches up to you, your body finally just says give me a break!


There is a song called "Where Does the Good Go?", and part of it has been running through my head during this past week...
Where do you go with your broken heart in tow
What do you do with the left over you
and how do you know when to let go
where does the good go


That is kind of what this part of grief feels like to me...where did all of that good go?  What do I do with all of the stuff that comes with this loss...how do I accept a broken heart and what parts of it am I supposed to hold on to forever?


The good news is, according to all of those so-called experts, things get better after this...and I don't doubt they will.  I think that's another part of what makes the depression phase so hard...you know you are on your way to letting a part of your grief go and that can be whole lot scarier than just crying and sleeping too much.


So I am going to try to just take this phase as it comes (easier said than done, I'll admit) and give my body the break (breaks) it needs to heal.  Find out where the good goes.

The Serenity Prayer

"Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the difference"

Joy

I want to remember that first there was joy.
Always, when I remember him, before any bad memory can come back to me, there is a smile on my face.
Even now, three months later, when everything is still raw and painful, it is that way because I loved so much and I had so much joy...
I want to remember that first, and most importantly, there was joy...and that joy will come again.

All You Need is Love

Holidays are hard for me. I imagined that my love of holidays would only increase when I had children. Now even little holidays like Valentine's Day are sometimes just a reminder that I am a long way from where I thought I would be, buying little outfits with hearts on them etc etc. 

I read somewhere recently that a child who has died is sometimes with you like no living child can ever be.  And in a way that's true. I talk to Rip all of the time.  I tell him I love him hundreds of times every day. As time goes on and Parke and I have another child (or ten), they will grow up and go to school, learn to drive, go away to college...just as they should.  They will move away from me physically in a way Rip never will, because he is always with me. 

Now, I am not going to lie, most of the time this is small consolation.  One hundred days out of one hundred, I would rather have my child here on earth.  But I have to miss out on a lot, and I would like to think this time, on this holiday that is all about love, my child still gets to hear that his mama loves him...

A Peace That Surpasses All Understanding

Today, in a few quiet moments before I got out of bed, I leaned my head back, closed my eyes, and started thinking about Rip.  I pictured myself in the delivery room, and someone was laying him in a blanket on my chest.  I could almost feel the soft blanket and the light weight of him in that nook by my chin.

 I stopped myself because none of that ever happened, Rip was taken out of the delivery room before I got to do more than glance at him.  But then I closed my eyes again and let that image come back to me. I can picture him like this, holding him with no wires or monitors between us, this is what he looks like now. 

As time goes on, and I remember more and more about the time Rip was alive, not all of the memories I have are pleasant ones.  Sometimes I lie awake at night and remember a particularly difficult time...I start to panic...before I know it I am back in that moment and my only feeling is one of absolute terror.  But always, always before I reach a point of no return, a voice calls me back that says, "he's okay now, he's okay now, he's okay now."

This picture I have in my mind is perfectly peaceful.  He's okay now.

Just A Couple Days in Paradise...

Our wonderful, fabulous family and friends provided Parke and me with the opportunity to spend last week in Tortola, a little piece of paradise located in the British Virgin Islands.  We spent the week swimming, eating, and sleeping...basically just treated ourselves to some much needed TLC.  Somehow it is much easier to talk about things that need talking about when you are surrounded by warm beach breezes and swaying palm trees.  I think we came back with our souls restored.  Here are a few shots from our trip...

Right outside of our hotel...hard not to believe that there is good in the world when you see beauty like this

We saw SO MANY rainbows on this trip it was crazy...I was thrilled! I am taking them all as signs of good things to come.

I just think this picture is great, very handsome boy. 

Little sun on our faces, ready to face the world again

I think we both felt Rip with us so much of the time, and that made the trip all the better.  My great-grandmother used to say at the end of every blessing "Thank you Lord for everything and everybody"...those were the words that came to mind when I stood on the beach last week.

Recommended

I love to read, always have.  So over the past three months I've read book after book trying to find comfort, these are the books that have given me the most...

Pregnancy After a Loss: A Guide to Pregnancy After a Miscarriage, Stillbirth, or Infant Death by Carol Cirulli Lanham
Believe it or not, this was the first book I read after we lost Rip.  Even though I was clearly nowhere near ready to have another child, this book gave me hope.  My initial reaction to Rip's death was " I can never go through this again." Almost immediately after was, "I want to have more children".  A friend of a friend sent this book to me and it was so encouraging.  The author lost her baby boy at full term and went on to have two healthy children.  Without being unrealistic, the book reminds you that most women go on to have healthy babies after a loss.  And truly, that is all I wanted to hear then and all that I want to hear now. 

Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations For Working Through Grief by Martha W. Hickman
A friend of my mom's who lost a child recommended this book to her and we have both loved it.  Each day has a short message on dealing with grief, which was especially great in those first days of grieving when my attention span was non-existent.  One of the recommendations out of this book was to start writing everything down, and I have been so glad that I did.

Heaven is for Real: A Little Boy's Astounding Story of His Trip to Heaven and Back by Todd Burpo
I can't remember how I heard about this book, I think it is relatively new.  After Rip died I became obsessed with learning about Heaven, finding out more about where my child was living.  This book answered a lot of my questions.  This little boy got a glimpse of heaven, and I think I just felt safer hearing it from a child's perspective...it helped me picture Rip there.

I Will Carry You: The Sacred Dance of Grief and Joy by Angie Smith
Angie Smith lost her daughter in a different way than I lost Rip, but so many of her feelings were the same that it was comforting to read this book and feel like I could relate. I think it always helps to be able to see someone else in a similar situation and say okay, this worked for her or she felt like this too...it makes a situation that should never be normal feel a little bit more so.

Anne's House of Dreams by L.M. Montgomery
Now I will admit, this probably would not do it for everyone, but I have already talked about my love of the Anne of Green Gables series.  When we were in Tortola, I re-read this one and realized that Anne (the character) also lost her first baby.  It was amazing to me that something written 100 years ago could capture the exact emotions that I am feeling today. 

I think in the end, you just want to find some words that make you feel like you aren't the only person in the world that has ever felt this (sad, angry, hopeless, confused, etc. etc.) on any given day, and these books have given me those words.