Friday, January 17, 2014

Peace, Love, and Happiness

I haven't written on this blog in almost two months...which I think is the longest time I've ever gone without saying SOMETHING. I've thought about writing a million somethings, but those thoughts usually occur somewhere around 3 am when I am in crazy "see what I can dig up to worry about" mode.

After Rip died, I felt compelled to write. That's not a strong enough was almost like if I didn't write what was in my head that very minute whatever it was would become too big for me to deal with. Writing was a lifeline.

Writing also became a part of me, something I will always be thankful for. I still write, in fact I'm writing for a couple of local publications on the side now, and I truly enjoy it. But that need to put everything on paper seems to have faded.

I guess my life seems pretty normal right now. Almost everything I do is stuff that every other mom I know is doing. There isn't a reason to get it out here because nobody understands it out there.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still different. I still feel my heart sink when somebody says "wait til you have two!" It will always catch me off guard when someone asks how many children I have. I will always have days when I cry because I miss my baby boy.

But most days, I feel peaceful. Well, busy and peaceful. At peace, I guess. At peace with exactly the kind of mother I am, and exactly the kind of family we are. A broken thing that is slowly being put back together, with the cracks still visible to anyone close enough to us who cares to look.

Most of the time I feel love. And I feel God, by my husband, by my friends, by my drama queen of a two year old. That love doesn't look a darn thing like I thought it would four years ago, but it is fought-for love...and that's the best kind.

I am happy. I never in a million years thought I would be. Could be. Its kind of a miracle, really.

Now, this is not to say every day is peace, love, and happiness. Peace is generally not having your two year old smack your face and make a big production over saying sorry. Love is not always having your husband fuss over the new scratches on your car for thirty minutes (its not like I do this stuff on purpose). Happiness is rarely found while cleaning out a crock pot a solid three weeks after making a roast. No, that's all called yesterday.

That's also called normal. Sometimes normal can be even better than peace, love, and happiness.


  1. "that's all called yesterday" hahaha. truth.

  2. Love this post!! Your honesty is amazing and I love it! You write so honestly and its beautiful. And I wanted to let you know you can buy crock pot bags (found near the zip lock bags). You can put that in the crockpot and then it is not a mess to clean up!!! :-) I hope that brought a little happiness! :-)

    1. Ha! Thank you Liza,that's going on the grocery list for sure!!