I realize that is one of the cheesier sayings on Planet Earth, but when it comes to being Gracie's mom that is as close to a description as I can get.
I remember holding a friend's baby when I was pregnant with Gracie, and of course this wasn't too long after Rip died. I turned to my friend and asked, "can you believe that you get to keep her?" My poor friend looked kind of shocked and said something to the affect of they were of course thrilled to have their baby. It was one of those awkward moments as a baby loss mama where you know you've said the- not wrong thing- but not the thing that someone who hasn't lost a baby would have said.
I have no doubt that mama was just beside herself that she got to keep her baby, it just hadn't occurred to her that she wouldn't.
But sometimes when I hold Gracie I still get that rush of pure joy that she is MINE. It's an attitude of gratitude.
I will be doing something like digging my shoes out of my closet and out of nowhere I will hear little feet running towards me and chubby little hands being thrown around my neck and WHOOSH there it is....sometimes I just can't believe my luck. This little person gets to stay with me and I am so thankful.
I don't know if it will always be this way, if when she is thirteen and sassy or sixteen and (god forbid) acting trashy, I will feel so completely thankful. I think so. Its one more thing that knowing the alternative has given to me, as cheesy as it may be, an attitude of gratitude.