Now, am I PROUD of this? Absolutely not. I have visions of her lying on a therapist's couch one day saying something like, "it all started when I was one, and my mother crawled into my crib...I've felt she's been caging me in ever since."
Before you think I've gone completely nuts, over-protective parent style, it wasn't by choice I found myself in this position. It was out of sheer exhaustion. Multiple nights of coughing, a child that (despite the hacking) can scream for hours, who won't sleep in any bed but her own, and maybe a little delirium on my part. At any rate, my 32 year-old rear end found itself folded up in an infant's crib and I got an extra three hours of sleep.
The reason for this confession? I've been reading a lot of blog posts lately that I find disturbing. A lot of "Mommy guilt" posts. A lot of "you are doing it the wrong way" posts. I don't know that they are intended be that way, but that's how they come across.
Don't get me wrong- I love to hear about how other people are parenting. I love to hear about other mamas who made it through natural childbirth, or made it through one whole year of breastfeeding- I am not being in the least bit sarcastic here when I say those are truly amazing feats. My problem is when the word "best" creeps in. As in, this is the "best" way to do it.
For someone like me, who literally had no other choice but to have a c-section, hearing that the "best" way to give birth is naturally feels like a punch in the gut. It brings up all kinds of guilt on top of the guilt that I already have. Who needs that?
And yes, "breast is best", but what happens when your milk goes away months before you are ready for it to? When you are bawling your eyes out every day hooked up to a darn breast pump without a drop coming out, feeling like a defective cow?
Then there are the food issues. We all try to feed our kids healthy foods. But sometimes, when you work full time and your kid gets corn dogs at school? Well, that has to be okay too.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh or jealous, I am! I am jealous of the mom's out there who sound like they have it down perfectly. I guess I am just hoping that maybe we have all spent a night or two in a crib...something we knew wasn't "best" but was the best we could do for that moment.
I guess my point is that all (well, almost all) mothers are doing their very, very best. And the fact that means something different for everyone might just be the best part for our kids.
Off my soapbox now, Gracie wants some high fructose corn syrup (kidding, only kidding).
The c-section, formula, and artificial dyes have finally gotten to her