Yesterday, I read this post by another Mama who lost her baby and it really hit home. These are many of the same thoughts I have been having this year, and she said them much more eloquently than I was planning to, so I asked if I could borrow her words and she graciously agreed.
At times, I have mixed emotions about my blog. Can I be the happy mama who posts pictures of her adorable (if I do say so myself) baby girl and the Carlton dance when the week before I was talking about losing my firstborn? It is certainly a true reflection of who I am on the inside these days, but I do wonder how that will change as time goes on.
A friend once told me that her grandmother, who had five children- four living and one who died shortly after birth, was still talking about the child she lost when she died well into her 80's. And for what it is worth, I found that comforting.
Because I don't want to forget. Not in an unhealthy way...I recently went to dinner with three other women who recently lost babies (weren't we a fun bunch!), and told them that the overwhelming, debilitating sadness about losing Rip is gone. Nothing so extreme, bad or good, can last forever and thank goodness for that. But mothers don't forget their children. Last night I was reading a book by Dorthea Benton Frank and the first line brought tears to my eyes:
"I will tell you the one thing I have learned in my thirty-something years that is an absolute truth: nothing and no one in this entire world matters more to a sane woman than her children"
I don't know what my life will look like years from now (let's be honest, I barely know what I am doing tomorrow). I have the same fears about what my grief might look like then, I don't know if I will be able to write about it, or talk about it. But I agree with good old Dottie Frank, as mothers (and we can use the term sane loosely here), our children will always matter more than anything in this entire world.