Thursday, November 8, 2012

But I Did

I thought about not posting this story here, because sometimes I think all of this "talking with God" stuff makes me sound a little off my rocker.  But, you know what they say...if the shoe fits...

The other day I was reliving Rip's birth in my mind.  I do this a lot when I am by myself, driving to or from work. 

Inevitably, my mind will slip into "what if" mode.  What if I'd know then what I know now about having babies.  What if I'd been more forceful, or changed my mind about this or that, or been a better advocate.  Would Rip have lived?  What if I knew then what I know now?

And then, deep inside, where I feel like God speaks without saying a word, I heard "You didn't know, but I did"

There are a few things that I have come to know to be true and believe to be true that brought tears to my eyes and peace to my heart with this statement...

First, we live in a fallen world.  A world where terrible, tragic things happen to innocent, good people.

Second, God is not in the business of killing babies.  The God I have always known is a God of love, deep and abiding love.  Love that I believe to be even greater for little children.

Third, God's ways are not my ways.  This is so hard.  This is why I've spent many many hours on many days asking questions for which there are no answers.  But I can either accept that a God of love has reasons beyond my comprehension or I can continue to struggle against Him.  Some days I choose the latter, and that's okay too.

There are a million ways I can second guess myself as to how I could have made things better, but what if making another decision somehow made things worse? 

I don't have any doubt in my mind that the God Who Knows loves Rip Harris more than maybe even I can comprehend.  And so I have to stop the what ifs.  Because what I didn't know, He did.

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