Saturday, March 17, 2012

Now What Do I Do?

One of my favorite parts of the video Parke took when Gracie was first born is the moment the nurse places her in my arms for the first time.  She snuggles into my neck and I lay my head on hers and for a minute there is just complete happiness...and then I look up and say, " now what do I do?"

I'd spent SO much time worrying and praying and pleading and worrying again just for her to please Lord make it here safely that I'd given absolutely no thought to what came next.  And what came next is the best thing that ever happened to me...but not without some bumps in the road.

I think back on those first weeks and wonder how we ever made it! It was survival of the fittest and sometimes I was not sure I was the fittest...lack of sleep, screaming baby, hormones.  I don't think you can ever be really prepared for what having a newborn is going to be like, but after worrying so long about having a healthy baby I was even more behind the curve when she got here (with VERY healthy lungs).

But we figured it all out, and while I loved her to pieces from the moment I saw her, I can now honestly say that there is nobody on this earth I would rather spend my time with than Gracie Harris a 12 weeks. 

And of course now it is time for me to go back to work.  I will preface this by saying that I both need and want my job, and I knew it was going to be hard to leave Gracie...but I had NO idea it was going to be this hard.  It is another "now what do I do" moments, I just wasn't prepared.

So, I am trying really hard to remember 12 weeks ago, when I could no more imagine taking Gracie out for a walk at the park or over to dinner with friends than I could imagine flying to the moon...and yet yesterday we did both and had a fabulous time.  I am trying to remember those first weeks when the screaming and the hormones were both out of control... how far we have come.

I am trying to remember that even though going back to work will be hard and I may cry myself sick over it (literally...very unpleasant)...three months from now, even three weeks from now, it will all be so different.  I know good and well this is far from the last "now what do I do" moment I have as a parent and that's not the easiest thing in the world for the girl who reads the last chapter first.

But I also know that while there are plenty of things I do not know how to do, the one thing I know how to do best is be Gracie's mama and, while everything else may change, thank goodness that is the one thing that cannot.

1 comment:

  1. Oh Anne, I have been there and I am so sorry you're feeling this way. A coworker joked once that someone should do the first 12 weeks FOR you so you can get maternity leave when your baby is cooing, giggling, sleeping through the night and finally making sense of the world. It's so true. My prayer for you is that you get all the anticipation and anxiety out of the way BEFORE work starts and it's all downhill from here. (I cried the whole month of December with Mac and found that, the Monday after Christmas when I started work, no more tears came.)

    Making it to 12 weeks is a huge badge of honor and a big turning point. It only gets better from here on out, and you girls are going to adjust beautifully to "real" life very soon, I just know it. Thinking of you!